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Game characters that deserved to die


The deceased: Eli Vance - Half-Life 2: Episode 2


How they bit it

Poor old Eli gets the back of his head sucked out by an Advisor (Half-Life’s most mysterious and dastardly alien assholes) while trying to protect his daughter Alyx.


Why they deserved to die

Because if he’d just curbed his peg-legged, pipe-wielding heroics for 34 seconds he, Alyx and Gordon would have been saved by DOG. And, more crucially for him, the contents of his tasty brains would be nestling safely in the back of his head, rather than being digested in some fat-assed grub thingy’s stomach.

How they could have saved their skin


The deceased: Nino - The Darkness


How they bit it

Gets so involved in a shootout as he’s hanging out of his vehicle, he fails to notice a truck approaching in the opposite direction. Said truck promptly shut-uppas the wiseguy’s face for good.

Why they deserved to die

For not listening to his teacher in grade school. The first lesson on any well run field trip is keep all your appendages inside the vehicle at all times. Had he listened back then, he’d have known he should have been popping all his caps from the safe confines of the passenger seat. Instead, in the spirit of Mafioso self murder, he chooses to discharge his weapon while his top half hangs out the car, all the while flaunting with oncoming, incredibly conspicuous lorries.

How they could have saved their skin

56 comments

  • D0CCON - February 14, 2010 2:40 a.m.

    I beat Half Life 2 episode 2 one day before I read this. So glad I managed to avoid that spoiler.
  • gamefreakl1996 - February 14, 2010 1:28 a.m.

    lol, i pissed myself laughing when the first Carmine died, repeating what he said over and over "Guys, my gun wont reload, dammit, stupid gu-sniped" and i know thats not how it goes, but it was funny as hell watching
  • Cwf2008 - October 29, 2009 5:59 a.m.

    Congratulations you guys couldnt take a joke so they removed the entire section about the Carmine getting Beserkered
  • Megajamz - October 28, 2009 11:31 p.m.

    never realised how very much alike the advisor is to the brain alien in starship troopers..
  • JoeMasturbaby - October 28, 2009 9:14 p.m.

    shouldve included the lady from GTA: Chinatown wars. the bitch dies on the first mission and there are no other female characters in the game.
  • EmmaXII - October 28, 2009 1:12 a.m.

    The half life death was sad D: *beware colossi rights movement below* WHY DO THE COLOSSI DESEREVE TO DIE! Theyr jst wondering around minding their own business wen sum JERK (wander is awesome btw) cums around and stabs them (where it hurts) til they die and god knows there too god dam slow to do anything about it! And all 16 awesome thing die to bring back ONE ded gurl!
  • Josh1664 - October 27, 2009 11:44 p.m.

    Carmine dint deserve to die !!, he was a legend lol, he was even back in the second due to popular demand ha ha ha, carmine forever !
  • SilverWerewolf - October 27, 2009 8:32 p.m.

    Nino's death = Ouch. Eli = *shudders* I loved the mean-faced, ruler-carrying teacher in Nino's savior shot. She made me chuckle for a bit.
  • TheLonelyDancer42 - October 27, 2009 8:02 p.m.

    Carmine dies because he is a red-shirt. That's the whole joke. Carmine is a shade of red.
  • bonerachieved - October 27, 2009 3:46 p.m.

    You guys used conker's bad fur day! Sweeeeeet, that game can be put in so many articles. good work guys take care!
  • Dondada - October 27, 2009 5:10 a.m.

    Someone went a lil crazy with the photoshop dont ya think.
  • noobeater - October 26, 2009 10:15 p.m.

    lol you guys are dicks keep running on bout carmine, one person said it so im sure they got the message. i myself thought it was a great article and gears is utter crap anyway :D
  • Rattlehead - October 26, 2009 9:09 p.m.

    I'm suprised the scientist who said "I'll help! Only I know everything!" right before walking into a bunch of trip mines wasn't on here
  • pastycaucasian - October 26, 2009 5:26 p.m.

    It's better for them to be dead then me.
  • michelkeepertje - October 26, 2009 10:05 a.m.

    Little mistake in my comment, Ganondorf should tear the wings of, my bad!
  • michelkeepertje - October 26, 2009 10:02 a.m.

    If there's one gaming character who deserves to die, it's Navi, Zelda fans know him/her/it/whatever-it-is as the anoying fairy from Ocarina of Time, repeating the same stupid messages and when you try to ignore the fairy, you repeatedly hear: "Hey! Hello! Hey!" It's freaking annoying and through the entire game I wished Ganondorf would there the little wings of this annoying bastard! Great article by the way, loved the picture about getting mocked in heaven!
  • Tymiegie - October 26, 2009 3:54 a.m.

    very funny article. Loved the badass toaster bit.
  • Coolbeans69 - October 25, 2009 6:32 a.m.

    lol with all the things about the carmine deaths being a "tradition" in the gears series id like to see epic studios make it so he doesn't die in the next game. Btw it wasn't one of the carmines that ran into the berserker but great article anyway
  • Heyexclamationpoint - October 25, 2009 1:36 a.m.

    If crows were good enough for Hitchcock, then they're good enough for me.
  • KankerRam - October 25, 2009 1:19 a.m.

    what the hell, Carmine brother 2 was killed by the worms stomach acid. The guy that runs into a Berserker is just some random gear.

Showing 1-20 of 56 comments

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