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FIFA vs PES: The comparison you've never read before

Footie games aren’t traditionally known for their feminine touch. And this year’s FIFA and PES installments are really no exception. Look a little harder, though, and you’ll see a couple of examples of the XX chromosome being crammed in. Among the crowds of dead-eyed geriatrics, PES has a few women strewn throughout its stadiums. And, while they’re not exactly Soul Calibur's Ivy, at least they give us some respite from staring at Wayne Rooney’s HD pimples.

There’s a complete lack of any fairer sex-sponsored action in FIFA. And, for a company famed for its PR skills, the choice to paste Ronaldinho’s horse-like bonce onto the opening menu and then bombard us with his fugly face for hours on end with no female respite was a belter.

The winner is…

Andrea Pirlo

Score: 2-2

Yep, while Konami might have included a few homely looking women into their game, they just can’t compete with the effeminate elegance and graceful flowing locks of one Andrea Pirlo. The rudder of the Rossineri’s midfield, the classy schemer’s gentle Italian features, luscious lips and dreamy eyes make this a no contest. Score one for real football and a million points against for the shattered remains of our manhood.

Just a word of advice, EA. This is not 2006. Nor is it a lethargic England World Cup qualifier. We’re not a desperate, patronising press pandering to Peter Crouch. And not all of us want to celebrate a 25 yard screamer with a dance that was out of fashion before a certain wall in Berlin crumbled. So please, can you stop squeezing the effing robot into your football games?!

While we may not be fans of goal celebrations of the more mechanical mould, we’re all for a bit of man love when we net a last gasp winner. And while FIFA lets you control your scorer post net bulge – admittedly great when you want to gloat over a friend for an excruciating eight seconds – nothing compares to PES’ montage of manly ass pats, excited gyrating and disturbingly sexual, pelvis-thrusting player piles.

The winner is…

PES

Score: 2-3

With neither of the PS3 games supporting trophy support this is going to be an entirely 360-centric round. And PES gets off to a strong start with a massively patronising achievement for playing your first Champions League game. You don’t have to win or score or any of that irrelevant rubbish, oh no. Just simply turning up and being happy to be there – regardless if you get crushed by Chelsea or mangled by Man Utd – is enough for 20 delicious gamer points.

It should come as no surprise, though, that the publisher that perennially peddles games that reward you just for closing the disc tray and pressing A comfortably beat the offside trap to win this round. Despite having a far more imaginative set of achievements than PES – like beating a five star team with a half star team or rewarding you for bicycle kicks, volleys and lobs – it still manages to take the insultingly easy cake. And switching the play from one side to the other with a simple cross field ball is enough to stuff your gamer score with an extra five points and give FIFA the round. Surely we should have been awarded something for having to touch the Shrek-style features of one Mr. Rooney when we picked up the box?

The winner is…

FIFA

Score: 3-3

Final score: FIFA (3) - PES (3)

So there you have it; the contest ends in a six goal thriller, but ultimately, no side could net the winner. It looked like PES might sneak it, but FIFA scored a last gasp equaliser to tie this completely irrelevant and nonsensical face-off. Stay tuned for next season’s head-to-head where categories will answer such burning issues as which pack shot features the most unappealing player scowl, what game is more likely to get you a job as a canteen worker at your local Championship side and which 6 foot striker looks best in a sun dress. Feel free to insert your favourite, tired football cliché to round this article off – we suggest something along the lines of ‘football is the real winner’.


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12 comments

  • Menagerie - November 24, 2008 4:20 p.m.

    Oh god, the ranting goes on. Yes, Dirk Kuyt is fugly. Yes, andrea pirlo makes is effimante enough to play for the Italian female side... And yet you jibber-jabbered your way out of choosing a true and worthy winner! Which of course is none of them. Even though i strongly favor FIFA, mostly because Dirk Kuyt actually does look inhuman in aforementioned, both games are nothing like watching proper football, or even playing it yourself. Not that they won't soon be so. And FYI, guys, you SUCK at using that trick stick. Going for the fanciest move every time is sure to make you eat grass. Doing the simple, sexy, ass-wiggling dummy moves will have you through the defence in no time!
  • bluenosejock1 - October 28, 2008 11:29 a.m.

    Isnt it ironic that East end park is next to a cemetry lol
  • Tronto13 - October 25, 2008 8:21 a.m.

    I've always been on the Fifa side and still am, theres just a certain something about pes that doesnt click.
  • FanDee - October 23, 2008 9:58 p.m.

    I have been a PES man for years,but this year its FIFA all the way. It really has improved and is better than this years PES. In my opinion.
  • And_ROOS - October 22, 2008 9:46 p.m.

    Sorry, i stopped reading after i saw; "making prolific players, like David Bentley and Daniel Alves, look like generic extras from a 1970s skin flick." Prolific players like DAVID BENTLEY? David FKN Bentley? Do you actually watch football? Not only is Bentley anything but prolific, he is as generic as they come. For years he ran around with a shaved head and a stupid little goatee.
  • Y2Ken - October 22, 2008 2:19 p.m.

    Oh and (apologies for the double post) I do enjoy a bit of man-love... especially the one where the goalscorer slides on his front, two players appear to pin him down on either side, and then another lies atop him and proceeds to thrust vigorously into said goalscorer. Poor bloke, he only wanted his team to win the game...
  • FanDee - October 21, 2008 8:07 p.m.

    Hate to rain on the parade but derek lyle is a striker,and i should know because he played for my team Dundee last season!
  • Y2Ken - October 22, 2008 2:17 p.m.

    I'm a PES man myself, but I do enjoy playing FIFA from time to time. Nevertheless, it's nice to see someone finally agreeing with my opinion that despite FIFA ostensibly looking 'better', PES does have better player likenesses. I will be buying PES, and as I'm not exactly rich right now, that probably means I won't be picking up FIFA, unless I can get it preowned for a tenner somewhere - although this is quite possible with yearly sports games.
  • Dave Meikleham - October 22, 2008 9:30 a.m.

    Ahhh. Thanks for that FanDee. It's been cheerfully corrected. It's still Murdoch scoring in the video, I just got him mixed up with one Mr. Lyle for some reason. As far as what I think is the better game? Well, for me, FIFA is the Man City of footie titles. It' got the look of a title contender, it's easy on the eye and it's definitely improving; it's just not quite there on the pitch yet. PES, though, is Chelsea. Not always pretty to look at, but a champion on the field.
  • Tomsta666 - October 21, 2008 9:53 p.m.

    Nice read, it raised a chuckle :) But you pussied out of choosing a winner! SEABASS FOR LIFE, YO!!
  • curryman - October 21, 2008 6:02 p.m.

    personally im a pes man... my best friend would disagree. XD
  • jokast - October 21, 2008 5:47 p.m.

    1rst one.-I will buy both of them , tough that I like winning eleven(PES) the most

Showing 1-12 of 12 comments

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