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Footie games aren’t traditionally known for their feminine touch. And this year’s FIFA and PES installments are really no exception. Look a little harder, though, and you’ll see a couple of examples of the XX chromosome being crammed in. Among the crowds of dead-eyed geriatrics, PES has a few women strewn throughout its stadiums. And, while they’re not exactly Soul Calibur's Ivy, at least they give us some respite from staring at Wayne Rooney’s HD pimples.
There’s a complete lack of any fairer sex-sponsored action in FIFA. And, for a company famed for its PR skills, the choice to paste Ronaldinho’s horse-like bonce onto the opening menu and then bombard us with his fugly face for hours on end with no female respite was a belter.
The winner is…
Yep, while Konami might have included a few homely looking women into their game, they just can’t compete with the effeminate elegance and graceful flowing locks of one Andrea Pirlo. The rudder of the Rossineri’s midfield, the classy schemer’s gentle Italian features, luscious lips and dreamy eyes make this a no contest. Score one for real football and a million points against for the shattered remains of our manhood.
Just a word of advice, EA. This is not 2006. Nor is it a lethargic England World Cup qualifier. We’re not a desperate, patronising press pandering to Peter Crouch. And not all of us want to celebrate a 25 yard screamer with a dance that was out of fashion before a certain wall in Berlin crumbled. So please, can you stop squeezing the effing robot into your football games?!
While we may not be fans of goal celebrations of the more mechanical mould, we’re all for a bit of man love when we net a last gasp winner. And while FIFA lets you control your scorer post net bulge – admittedly great when you want to gloat over a friend for an excruciating eight seconds – nothing compares to PES’ montage of manly ass pats, excited gyrating and disturbingly sexual, pelvis-thrusting player piles.
The winner is…
With neither of the PS3 games supporting trophy support this is going to be an entirely 360-centric round. And PES gets off to a strong start with a massively patronising achievement for playing your first Champions League game. You don’t have to win or score or any of that irrelevant rubbish, oh no. Just simply turning up and being happy to be there – regardless if you get crushed by Chelsea or mangled by Man Utd – is enough for 20 delicious gamer points.
It should come as no surprise, though, that the publisher that perennially peddles games that reward you just for closing the disc tray and pressing A comfortably beat the offside trap to win this round. Despite having a far more imaginative set of achievements than PES – like beating a five star team with a half star team or rewarding you for bicycle kicks, volleys and lobs – it still manages to take the insultingly easy cake. And switching the play from one side to the other with a simple cross field ball is enough to stuff your gamer score with an extra five points and give FIFA the round. Surely we should have been awarded something for having to touch the Shrek-style features of one Mr. Rooney when we picked up the box?
The winner is…
Final score: FIFA (3) - PES (3)
So there you have it; the contest ends in a six goal thriller, but ultimately, no side could net the winner. It looked like PES might sneak it, but FIFA scored a last gasp equaliser to tie this completely irrelevant and nonsensical face-off. Stay tuned for next season’s head-to-head where categories will answer such burning issues as which pack shot features the most unappealing player scowl, what game is more likely to get you a job as a canteen worker at your local Championship side and which 6 foot striker looks best in a sun dress. Feel free to insert your favourite, tired football cliché to round this article off – we suggest something along the lines of ‘football is the real winner’.
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