It’s a tough life being a keeper. Aside from earning millions for catching and parrying a cow hide-sewn sphere, dating supermodels and owning Bruce Wayne-shaming motors, they really are the Ringo of most football teams. With most goalies being underappreciated, taken for granted and ignored for the blokes who can write number one singles/score goals (just like the Liverpudlian drummer), we thought it was time they got to shine further up the pitch. That’s why we decided to stick the boys who guard our onion bags up top for a game.
These aren’t just any random keepers, though. Oh no. These are goalies who aren’t even good enough to get on the bench for a newly promoted SPL side and plucky (but still a bit rubbish) Belgian outfit. Watch below as Hamilton’s and Standard De Liege’s second choice keepers score a couple of crackers worthy of any Champions League final.
The winner is...
Hats off to Soubry for putting an extremely tasty volley past Cech. But we have to give this one to FIFA. Not good enough for the Accies' first team, that doesn’t stop Sean Murdoch from lifting the deftest of chips over a despairing Edwin van der Sar at the Theatre of Dreams. After all, the home of the Premiership and European Champions just isn’t daunting when you’ve grown up keeping net in Scottish play parks.
Let’s be honest, there’s no way Konami’s Antlion Coliseum and other crude collection of bizarrely named stadiums can compete with FIFA’s pixel perfect recreations of Anfield, the Emirates and Old Trafford. To their credit, Seabass and his team have made some headway with their digital arenas, and their replication of Wembley is both admirable and authentic. Well, as authentic as you can get without the boo boys, irritating Great Escape drums, and some stony-faced Italian grimacing from the sidelines.
The winner is…
The real life East End Park
Sure, you might be able to fit more people into your back garden than Dunfermline’s ground. You’ll get more sophisticated cuisine in a bin than the half-time hospitality here. And you’d find a more raucous crowd at a funeral than the Pars' stadium. But just look at that poly count on the Norrie McCathie stand. It’s a thing of Fife-forged beauty. And no matter how well FIFA’s nailed Stamford Bridge’s spotlights, there’s just no beating the hundreds of individually animated Dunfermline fans that pack out East End every second Saturday.
FIFA’s concoction of analogue stick-based trickery is as organic as the fruit and veg we’re all being guilted into buying. Smooth, realistic and as graceful as a Russian ballet, the transitions from pirouette to flick-flack are handled beautifully. But while FIFA’s showcase of showboating tricks may look incredible in Be a Pro and the pre-match menu kickabout, they’re about as much use as a pair of Teflon-coated goalie gloves in real games.
Unintuitive, overly long and an almost certain ticket to eating turf, the animation of FIFA’s tricks simply go on too long to make them a useful tool for beating your man. And the combination of convoluted flicks on the stick are no match for a good old fashioned R2/right trigger shuffle.
The winner is...