FIFA vs PES: The comparison you've never read before

It’s a tough life being a keeper. Aside from earning millions for catching and parrying a cow hide-sewn sphere, dating supermodels and owning Bruce Wayne-shaming motors, they really are the Ringo of most football teams. With most goalies being underappreciated, taken for granted and ignored for the blokes who can write number one singles/score goals (just like the Liverpudlian drummer), we thought it was time they got to shine further up the pitch. That’s why we decided to stick the boys who guard our onion bags up top for a game.

These aren’t just any random keepers, though. Oh no. These are goalies who aren’t even good enough to get on the bench for a newly promoted SPL side and plucky (but still a bit rubbish) Belgian outfit. Watch below as Hamilton’s and Standard De Liege’s second choice keepers score a couple of crackers worthy of any Champions League final.


The winner is...


Score: 2-1

Hats off to Soubry for putting an extremely tasty volley past Cech. But we have to give this one to FIFA. Not good enough for the Accies' first team, that doesn’t stop Sean Murdoch from lifting the deftest of chips over a despairing Edwin van der Sar at the Theatre of Dreams. After all, the home of the Premiership and European Champions just isn’t daunting when you’ve grown up keeping net in Scottish play parks.

Let’s be honest, there’s no way Konami’s Antlion Coliseum and other crude collection of bizarrely named stadiums can compete with FIFA’s pixel perfect recreations of Anfield, the Emirates and Old Trafford. To their credit, Seabass and his team have made some headway with their digital arenas, and their replication of Wembley is both admirable and authentic. Well, as authentic as you can get without the boo boys, irritating Great Escape drums, and some stony-faced Italian grimacing from the sidelines.

The winner is…

The real life East End Park

Score: 2-1

Sure, you might be able to fit more people into your back garden than Dunfermline’s ground. You’ll get more sophisticated cuisine in a bin than the half-time hospitality here. And you’d find a more raucous crowd at a funeral than the Pars' stadium. But just look at that poly count on the Norrie McCathie stand. It’s a thing of Fife-forged beauty. And no matter how well FIFA’s nailed Stamford Bridge’s spotlights, there’s just no beating the hundreds of individually animated Dunfermline fans that pack out East End every second Saturday.

FIFA’s concoction of analogue stick-based trickery is as organic as the fruit and veg we’re all being guilted into buying. Smooth, realistic and as graceful as a Russian ballet, the transitions from pirouette to flick-flack are handled beautifully. But while FIFA’s showcase of showboating tricks may look incredible in Be a Pro and the pre-match menu kickabout, they’re about as much use as a pair of Teflon-coated goalie gloves in real games.


Unintuitive, overly long and an almost certain ticket to eating turf, the animation of FIFA’s tricks simply go on too long to make them a useful tool for beating your man. And the combination of convoluted flicks on the stick are no match for a good old fashioned R2/right trigger shuffle.

The winner is...


Score: 2-2

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  • Menagerie - November 24, 2008 4:20 p.m.

    Oh god, the ranting goes on. Yes, Dirk Kuyt is fugly. Yes, andrea pirlo makes is effimante enough to play for the Italian female side... And yet you jibber-jabbered your way out of choosing a true and worthy winner! Which of course is none of them. Even though i strongly favor FIFA, mostly because Dirk Kuyt actually does look inhuman in aforementioned, both games are nothing like watching proper football, or even playing it yourself. Not that they won't soon be so. And FYI, guys, you SUCK at using that trick stick. Going for the fanciest move every time is sure to make you eat grass. Doing the simple, sexy, ass-wiggling dummy moves will have you through the defence in no time!
  • bluenosejock1 - October 28, 2008 11:29 a.m.

    Isnt it ironic that East end park is next to a cemetry lol
  • Tronto13 - October 25, 2008 8:21 a.m.

    I've always been on the Fifa side and still am, theres just a certain something about pes that doesnt click.
  • FanDee - October 23, 2008 9:58 p.m.

    I have been a PES man for years,but this year its FIFA all the way. It really has improved and is better than this years PES. In my opinion.
  • And_ROOS - October 22, 2008 9:46 p.m.

    Sorry, i stopped reading after i saw; "making prolific players, like David Bentley and Daniel Alves, look like generic extras from a 1970s skin flick." Prolific players like DAVID BENTLEY? David FKN Bentley? Do you actually watch football? Not only is Bentley anything but prolific, he is as generic as they come. For years he ran around with a shaved head and a stupid little goatee.
  • Y2Ken - October 22, 2008 2:19 p.m.

    Oh and (apologies for the double post) I do enjoy a bit of man-love... especially the one where the goalscorer slides on his front, two players appear to pin him down on either side, and then another lies atop him and proceeds to thrust vigorously into said goalscorer. Poor bloke, he only wanted his team to win the game...
  • FanDee - October 21, 2008 8:07 p.m.

    Hate to rain on the parade but derek lyle is a striker,and i should know because he played for my team Dundee last season!
  • Y2Ken - October 22, 2008 2:17 p.m.

    I'm a PES man myself, but I do enjoy playing FIFA from time to time. Nevertheless, it's nice to see someone finally agreeing with my opinion that despite FIFA ostensibly looking 'better', PES does have better player likenesses. I will be buying PES, and as I'm not exactly rich right now, that probably means I won't be picking up FIFA, unless I can get it preowned for a tenner somewhere - although this is quite possible with yearly sports games.
  • Dave Meikleham - October 22, 2008 9:30 a.m.

    Ahhh. Thanks for that FanDee. It's been cheerfully corrected. It's still Murdoch scoring in the video, I just got him mixed up with one Mr. Lyle for some reason. As far as what I think is the better game? Well, for me, FIFA is the Man City of footie titles. It' got the look of a title contender, it's easy on the eye and it's definitely improving; it's just not quite there on the pitch yet. PES, though, is Chelsea. Not always pretty to look at, but a champion on the field.
  • Tomsta666 - October 21, 2008 9:53 p.m.

    Nice read, it raised a chuckle :) But you pussied out of choosing a winner! SEABASS FOR LIFE, YO!!
  • curryman - October 21, 2008 6:02 p.m.

    personally im a pes man... my best friend would disagree. XD
  • jokast - October 21, 2008 5:47 p.m.

    1rst one.-I will buy both of them , tough that I like winning eleven(PES) the most

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