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Fantastic video game weapons vs their real-life equivalents

Lightning guns

In games:

 

Are you all about the killing, but nothing about the aiming? Then a lightning gun is for you, my friend! Lightning is a people-friendly type of ammunition. It’ll arc towards any organic matter in the room and give it a great big friendly hug of excruciating neuro-electrical buggery. Fire a quick jolt into a friend’s arse for a gigglesome hearty jape, or try an extended burst to cause burning, death, and the probable bursting of eyeballs like stamped grapes.

In real life:

Scary fact. This shit actually exists. And unsurprisingly, the US military has it. Kind of. A company called Applied Energetics has come up with a method of directing lightning by using lasers to ‘carve’ channels of ionised oxygen in the air, which they can then blast electricity down. Obvious, yeah? Yeah.

 

It’s been tested as a way of disabling roadside bombs at long range, but despite apparently taking out 90% of targets, hasn’t yet been fully cleared for use in Iraq.

In a real-life deathmatch:

We assume this thing could flatten a man just as easily as an explosive ambush, but being vehicle-based again, it’s not overly practical. But if you got lucky while camping, it could be very effective. And absolutely hilarious.


Mechs

In games:

 

There is no more reassuring oasis on the battlefield of the future than the sight of an unattended mech with the keys still in the ignition. Where once you were a pathetic, weedy girly-man, all squishy and liable to break at any moment, you are now a useless fleshy lump encased in a shell of cold, hard, mechanical killing. Try out the attached chainguns, or just tear bodies into more manageable pieces with your bare, titanium hands. The possibilities afforded to your soulless, unfeeling robo-killing are endless!

In real life:

Giant robots are hard to make. Giant robots that can walk on two legs without acting like a drunken baby deer on a ski slope are even harder. Giant robots that can do that with the deftness and versatility required on a battlefield while firing steaming huge great guns with enough recoil to knock a house unconscious are bloody ridiculous. But also so awesome that we can’t believe they won’t exist one day soon. And neither can this guy. Ignore the cheap robo-skates work-around and just imagine how hard you’d win at life if you turned up to work in it.

In a real-life deathmatch:

Slow-ass homemade rollerbot with Nerf cannons versus man with rocket launcher does not win.


Power-armour

In games:

 

Okay, so you like the idea of mech functionality, but all that clunky, stompy smashing just doesn’t suit a dainty little ballerina-type like yourself. No problem! There’s a graceful, prancing alternative just for you! Strap on a suit of man-sized, powered battle protection and not only will you be harder, faster, stronger and really popular whenever friends are moving house, that shiny skin-tight plating will really lift your buttocks.

In real life:

Of all the entries in this article, power-armour most convincingly wins the “Holy shit, we’re living in the future” award. Berkeley Bionics has created a leg and back exoskeleton to allow soldiers to carry cripplingly heavy loads with zero effort. And making that look like a baby walker, Japan’s Tsubuka University has not only developed a full body suit, but designed it to look like proper anime power-armour. The goddamn legends.

The HAL5 uses electrodes on the wearer’s skin to measure and react to bio-electrical signals sending instructions to the muscles. The suit works out what the user is doing and copies, augmenting the strength of the action by up to ten times the original force. Obviously the potential applications for physically impaired people are amazing, as are the ways rescue workers could use it in disaster areas. But let’s face it, anyone who doesn’t try to jump over the clouds and punch out a plane when they first put it on is a broken-souled crazy and not to be trusted.

In a real-life deathmatch:

If you were already respectably strong, you could probably throw your opponents around like ragdolls. If they can add some decent armouring and similarly functioning gloves for squishing heads, we’ll put in a pre-order tomorrow.




Guns that don’t shoot bullets
Shark gun, lightning gun, black hole gun, electric ninja star gun, lava gun…


Videogames versus the real world
30 comparisons that prove how brazenly bizarre and weirdly wonderful our hobby can be


10 reasons why having a real bionic arm would be the best thing ever
It's good for more than just swinging

34 comments

  • pyrestriker - February 23, 2010 12:55 p.m.

    Hmm... Makes me wonder if anyone has successfully developed the Ripper from the Unreal Tournament series. A gun that propels circular saw blades with the option to attach a shrapnel grenade to the blade so it explodes on impact? Heck yeah.
  • PBDB - February 20, 2010 10:07 p.m.

    You said ludicrous speed with no spaceballs reference? For shame!
  • 4fromK - February 18, 2010 8:53 a.m.

    'guano loopy' made me chuckle
  • pastycaucasian - February 17, 2010 10:53 p.m.

    I would love to use those weapons in real life against someone, but my like they would back fire on me.
  • bonerachieved - February 17, 2010 7:36 p.m.

    WOWZAS! i would love to have that suit
  • NanoElite666 - February 17, 2010 5:27 a.m.

    So then... We stick with the power armor for now. Then, when the mechs are up to snuff, we take all the rail guns and lightning guns and such and stick 'em on the mechs. And then we have Armored Core.
  • halomech15 - February 17, 2010 12:28 a.m.

    This is why I love America. We get all the coolest stuff.
  • psycowolf - February 16, 2010 11:05 p.m.

    damn..good artical. only thing im worried about is the power armer. if it ends up being used like in the fallout series and only medical ways it would benifit people in so many ways. but, as allways, there is a posiiple downside. the mechs might in some sick wierdo fantisy trying to f al humanity will make the mechs controle us, not us controle mechs. another downer is that what if people become to dependent on bionical/robotic/mechanical power armoer/suits that just makes the human body useless. i mean what would be the point in strength training or speed training or anything that would involve working out physical body to see whos better when every one could just get a mech and everyone be same. that would ruin sports, and if that ever happened what would be the point of having olympics or life? im sorry if i sound like a downer but seriously, what if that happens.
  • Metroidhunter32 - February 16, 2010 9:43 p.m.

    This article was fun
  • peterpottorff - February 16, 2010 9:23 p.m.

    Mechs FTW
  • DriveShaft - February 16, 2010 8:48 p.m.

    Best weapons would probably be taken from the Rathchet & Clank series x] A gun that turns people into sheep? Hell yes.
  • SumthingStupid - February 16, 2010 8:36 p.m.

    The mech part reminded me of Lost Planet a lot
  • Amnesiac - February 16, 2010 5:03 p.m.

    I look forward to the day when I pilot my Japan-made mini-Metal Gear to and from work.
  • jackthemenace - February 16, 2010 1:45 p.m.

    power armour- me likey!
  • oryandymackie - February 16, 2010 10:51 a.m.

    I just want to kill things. 'Kay?
  • speno93 - February 16, 2010 9:16 a.m.

    yeah i agree with skynet. The next step from that HAl exoskeleton is real replacement limbs that read your nerves and muscle movemnt in order to recreat a real arm. And that will lead to a bionic arm, which as you guys have stated before, would be awesome.
  • Vagrant - February 16, 2010 2:53 a.m.

    That minefield lightning thing was really interesting.
  • CH3BURASHKA - February 16, 2010 2:46 a.m.

    HAL5 seems awesome, yet dangerous in the wrong hands. I sincerely wonder whether or not such an exoskeleton will be available to plain consumers, and not reserved just for military and construction consumption.
  • skynetiscoming - February 15, 2010 11:42 p.m.

    Hopefully the HAL will lead to the end of missing limbs so we can have robotic ones that read our brain waves instead of fake plastic ones. :/ Great article BTW.
  • matt588 - February 15, 2010 11:29 p.m.

    so how does the power armor displace the weight? the only way the suit in the video can work is if the suit has it's own spine(or machine equivalent) I wasn't as impressed by holding 100lbs (or what ever 40kg is) because that means the 1st thing crack is the long bones of the arm. call me when the suit has jump/ landing jets; hmm, seems like jump jets would have made this list recaptcha: "cramps found" fitting for my comment

Showing 1-20 of 34 comments

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