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Fanboy wars throughout the ages - Settled at last!

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For as long as there have been games, war has raged. Generation upon generation of fanboy has thrown himself upon the flames of battle in the name of his chosen machine. Not for him, the petty civilian conceits of fear, self-preservation, logic or coherent sentence structure. For the holy pride of the electronic device he happened to choose to buy, the fight is all, and he will use any weapon in his arsenal, be it graphics, storage medium or the word “gay” to attain victory.

Too long have the playgrounds and internet forums run red with the haemorrhaging common sense of these brave if misguided warriors, so we’ve decided to settle things once and for all. We’ve gone through the five generations before this one and used inarguable scientific methods to determine each winner. Our judging criteria may seem ludicrous and arbitrary, and they may well be. But remember, this is fanboy war we’re talking about here, so our methods are completely authentic.


Gamecube vs. PS2 vs. Xbox

 

Before you complain, we're leaving the Dreamcast out of this console tournament for two reasons. Firstly, it came out early enough to be out of step with the rest of the generation and died soon afterwards. Secondly, we all know that the DC is the best thing ever, so it's completely unfair to put these three also-rans up against it.

Arguably the last traditional console war before the big competitors started branching off in their own directions, last gen was a fierce battle. Sony obviously had the rock solid brand domination of the original PlayStation behind it, and a cool factor that could have made a cryogenically frozen Fonzie on a skiing holiday look positively sweaty. And the Xbox of course had raw, elephant-punching power and the mighty Microsoft dollar.

Nintendo's machine was far more technically capable than many give it credit for, had one of the best first-party line-ups ever seen from one of the best first-party developers (albeit a much smaller overall catalogue than the other two) and the then-unbreakably loyal Nintendo fan massive. The PS2 and Xbox had started to branch out into multimedia functionality, but the GC had a controller that looked weirder than a sumo gymnast but felt comfier in the hand than a hamster made of cushions.

So who really won? Truly, it's a difficult argument to settle in traditional terms, so lets cut straight to the fanboy science.

 

 

Even using cold, hard fanboy logic, a clear winner is hard to deduce, so we're going to bring another factor into play. One which throughout the ages has been the great reckoner. One which is universal to almost any hardware of any age as long as it uses a screen and has buttons. Yes friends, we're going to decide this based on which system can run Doom better.

The PS2 only had the PS1 version, which was fast and slick, but a bit gritty looking:

The Xbox not only had a good version of Doom, it could run BLOODY DOOM 3:

The Gamecube had no Doom:

 

Verdict:

 

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65 comments

  • TheHouseofQuark - January 13, 2011 8:29 p.m.

    The ps2 dominated the xbox, everyone knows that
  • RonnyLive19881 - February 23, 2010 3:17 p.m.

    "Nintendo's machine was far more technically capable than many give it credit for, had one of the best first-party line-ups ever seen from one of the best first-party developers (albeit a much smaller overall catalogue than the other two) and the then-unbreakably loyal Nintendo fan massive. The PS2 and Xbox had started to branch out into multimedia functionality, but the GC had a controller that looked weirder than a sumo gymnast but felt comfier in the hand than a hamster made of cushions." Beautifully written *sniff*
  • TheGodEmperor - September 24, 2009 3:35 a.m.

    in order of what SHOULDA won PS2 -> PS1/N64 (too tough too call, I'd prolly say PS1 cause of FF7 and 9 alone but also the awesome MGS games, Siphon Filter, Spyro, Legacy of Kain games + Soul Reaver being of course in that, etc) -> SNES (WTF WERE THEY THINKING? that's the best) -> NES Who gives a shit about if each had a better looking doom? There's more to a console than Doom...fagtard writer of this article lol
  • Taloh - September 23, 2009 11:17 p.m.

    None of my consoles won :( (PS2, PS1, Sega Genesis) I am young in the ways of the wars. I got in at the tale end of the Genesis days.
  • FLEXO94 - September 23, 2009 12:22 p.m.

    FINALLY ITS OVER FOR GOOD
  • oufour - September 22, 2009 9:05 p.m.

    bull! any one can tell you the ps2 won the last console war. the gamcube was underated, and the xbox deserved a bit more recogniton, but you can't deny the truth. i don't even like doom.
  • Stabby_Joe - September 20, 2009 10:53 a.m.

    Ahh yes, Doom! Better use landmark game to decide between landmark consoles haha!
  • super0sonic - September 20, 2009 6:26 a.m.

    Wow that Spectrum doom is like... wow. I wonder were games would be now if that came out then.
  • chiefpacman - September 20, 2009 4:09 a.m.

    Plus I think you guys are missing the point of the DOOM comparison. It showed the graphics for each system, becuase almost every system had it (In the GC's case it showed its lack of games).
  • tuto11025 - September 19, 2009 9:06 p.m.

    Judging success of a console over a damn game (doom)? ps1, ps2, just swept the floor with the competition and the others are the nes, snes and the ps3 is likely to do same too...bunch of gaybox fanboys...i'm very dissapointed in this page
  • nhoj687 - September 19, 2009 7:58 p.m.

    i miss my DC now :(
  • Red - September 18, 2009 6:54 p.m.

    "Secondly, we all know that the DC is the best thing ever, so it's completely unfair to put these three also-rans up against it." That is the most correct thing anyone has ever said. Go David Houghton. reCaptcha: Schwartz taunted
  • Solid_Gabriel - September 18, 2009 5:28 p.m.

    Xbox over PS2 MY ASS!
  • GwaR - September 18, 2009 4:34 p.m.

    The Doom meter! The measure of all greatness has returned! Awesomeness. I especially love that the younger respondents have no idea why Doom is the ultimate measuring stick. Old farts that grew up worshipping Doom FTW!
  • Yeager1122 - September 18, 2009 12:42 p.m.

    alright then....
  • noobastar - September 18, 2009 7:17 a.m.

    Doom?? @___@ Besides there are even pokemon, final fantasy vii and a lot more for the NES... (seriously)
  • dweller - September 18, 2009 3:19 a.m.

    I once thought there would never be a system without Doom. This proves it's pretty close.
  • araknafire - September 18, 2009 3:08 a.m.

    PS2 won, everybody knows it. except GR ofcourse
  • ChrisAntistaSmellsLikePizza - September 18, 2009 12:28 a.m.

    This is amazing, I haven't lol'd this hard in a long time.
  • gmilf71 - September 17, 2009 11:18 p.m.

    BUH-WUH? HOWD THE XBOX WIN? Whatever. the only one that i reconized that i agreed with was the NES winning.

Showing 1-20 of 65 comments

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