1. Peach is in another castle - Super Mario Bros. and Part 3

What happens:
We’re cheating with two entries here, but they’re related so bear with us. After defeating Bowser at the end of every castle level, Toad would be there welcoming us with the infamous phrase: “Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle!” It sucked, but we pressed on. Through hell or high water, we will find that princess. Eight castles of despair later and when you finally save her, she tells us that another quest is available.

Above: Our earliest memories

No, goddamnit. We’re done playing games. We just killed the same dragon eight times and we’re ready for some serious foreplay. We’re not down for saving you again. We suspect some nastiness eventually took place off camera, but we really hate it when we’re made to play hard to get. Like Han Solo in Star Wars, we didn’t sign up for this mission not expecting a reward of some sort.

Above: What a hilarious bitch

Blue Balls:
Fast forward to Super Mario Bros. 3 and once again, after defeating Bowser - this time with demented offspring - you find the princess alone in the corner. “Thank you. But our princess is in another castle!... Just kidding! Ha ha ha! Bye bye.” AHA HA HA HA HA. Our pain and suffering to save your ass… look, it’s not even about the sex anymore. Joking about how experiencing more hell makes you seem like the most wicked of ice queens. (And it’s probably the least sexy thing you could say to a person who’s just committed genocide to play in your warp pipe.) She should be lucky we didn’t leave her to the Hammer Bros. Those guys are freaks in the sack.

But wait - there's more! Scan our Top 7 Compendium for other sexually awkward exploits of your favorite videogame characters.

Apr 28, 2008