6 - Army Men
Number of games in series - 25
Average score from Metacritic - 5.3
Were you even aware there were 25 dismal Army Men games? We sure as hell weren't, and it's our job to know that kind of stuff. In our defense, it could be that we did know and subsequently blocked every memory of playing these games. As the series drug on it only became more derivative and unnecessary, garnering lower and lower scores until the franchise died in 2004. Wait... there was another Army Men game last year? You mean this nightmare isn't over? Who is still picking this sludge up off the poorly tiled Wal-Mart floor?
Much like Armored Core's giant robots, the idea of green and tan army dudes shooting each other is a tantalizing one. Who wouldn't want to relive the days of backyard wars that time forgot? The myriad developers responsible for these atrocities, apparently. None capture the magic of slamming a one-pose private through the dirt and then melting him with a magnifying glass, even when the in-game stories involve DNA splicing, portals to the real world and one girl officer who conveniently has human-toned skin. The countless spin-offs did nothing to help, with such confusing names as 1999's Air Attack and 2000's Air Tactics. Just try and figure out how many Army Men games there really are - we had a devil of a time counting them, as many games share the same box art but are totally different items. If our "25" is off by a few, just send us a letter.
Next time you see one these on a shelf, please leave it there. We don't want anyone anywhere thinking we condone Army Men: Major Malfunction.
Above: They keep coming and we keep sending 'em back
5 - Dynasty Warriors
Number of games in series - 14
Average score from Metacritic - 6.6
The first game in this way-too-long-running series was a one-on-one fighter featuring major characters from the epic Chinese novel Romance of the Three Kingdoms. Since then it has ballooned into a third-person smashfest featuring those same characters trouncing their way across a war torn China. You take control of a general and hack, slash and bash through hundreds of enemy units until there's no one left standing. Fling bodies around with your powerful weapons and mercilessly trample any who stand in your way. Sounds fairly fun, right?
Well, it was in 2002 when this series was already in its third installment. Then came the deluge of games we're still swimming away from - Dynasty Warriors 4, Dynasty Warriors 4: Xtreme Legends, Dynasty Warriors 4: Empires... do we need to keep going? Repeat that same list with part five too, plus a spinoff series Samurai Warriors and an upcoming game combining Samurai with characters from the Dynasty series. Each the exact same thing as the one before it - run around, hit the attack button one trillion times, move to the next bland level, repeat 50 times.
As with Armored Core, the changes to each entry are extremely minor and could fit into one downloadable patch or, at the very least, should not require an entirely new release. One of the games added elephants and considered it a big deal for cripes' sake. But as before, there's a staunch fan base that sucks up each and every one of these. If the average press review is a 6.5 or 7, the fan reviews generally land in the 8 and 9 range. Are we all playing the same games? You could program a robot to mash on the attack button, step left, hit the special attack button, repeat, and probably get through most of the series. Tie it all together with music right of a Midwestern air show and you've got one tired, played-out franchise.
Publisher Koei keeps churning these games out, but has recently decided to stray from China and head to England - Bladestorm: The Hundred Years War comes out later this year and looks to play much like the Warriors games. We're ready to be surprised, but if it ends up being another cut-and-run o-rama, count us out.
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