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The Top 7... Gory deaths in cutesy games

Disturbing images you were never meant to see

Words: Joe McNeilly, GamesRadar US

The bright colors and delirious sounds of cutesy games often gloss over ultraviolent gameplay. The sadistic deaths visited upon characters in these kiddie games are always hidden behind candy and rainbows. But violence without gore is like a cheeseburger without cheese. Sanitizing violence to make it “kid-friendly” hurts society more than it helps, and teaches unrealistic life lessons. We want to set things right, so we’ve re-imagined death in seven cutesy games that tried to cover up the gore. Here’s what death might actually look like if portrayed realistically in these games, thanks to our resident artist Mr. Tyler Wilde.

Dog Attack
In the corny world of suburban America, a paper route is a coming of age for a young man. Then video games came along, and suddenly kids were wasting quarters on a video game about delivering papers rather than earning money doing it for real. Though cartoony and whimsical in presentation, Paperboy’s deaths would be excruciatingly painful to a real boy. Leave it to videogames to turn a quaint rite of passage into a vicious bloodbath.

Relive death in Paperboy:



 
21 Comments
Order Comments: Newest First | Oldest First
Phantom-swordsman  - 1 year 1 month ago 
Yeah, I think killing an adorable paper animal and feasting on their entrail's
Phantom-swordsman  - 1 year 1 month ago 
Yeah, I think killing an adorable paper mache animal with a shovel and then feasting on its entrails I think rare followed the basis of theater "Tragedy & comedy".
The_Zanger  - 1 year 17 days ago 
lol
Ranger6667  - 11 months 27 days ago 
Pikmin is not funny. That game made me cry.
nik4ever  - 10 months 6 days ago 
Fireball deats in Super mario bros weren't that gory.
nik4ever  - 10 months 6 days ago 
stomping Gumbas was...
barrage7667  - 9 months 12 days ago 
nononononononoNO!!! the most gory death by far is getting killed by rolling saws in crash bandicoot i mean COME ON!!!
infiniti101  - 7 months 17 days ago 
hehehe. Toasted koopa.
ericgirasole  - 7 months 12 days ago 
kirby doesnt suck them up he eats them and pokemon bascially tear each other apart i mean picture a big huge dragon using the move flamethrower on ya or a fucking groudon stomping on yu jesus christ
The1337Lord  - 4 months 12 days ago 
The picture of Kirby makes him look like a crazy mass murder.....Maybe he is a mass murder!
Hellwilder  - 4 months 10 days ago 
You forgot sackboy from LBP!
He is perfect for this
CreeplyTuna  - 3 months 5 days ago 
keep this away form little cjildren lol
CreeplyTuna  - 3 months 5 days ago 
*children
bonerachieved  - 2 months 14 days ago 
This is frickin epic haha, kirby's photo shop pic is definately my favorite, props to whoever did it!
GameManiac  - 2 months 14 days ago 
Goddamn! No one deserves being torn apart like how Mario was under the hands... er, mouth of Kirby. No wonder Nintendo keeps their games mostly appropriate.
gangjute8  - 2 months 12 days ago 
@The1337Lord

You act like he MIGHT be one. We wipes out several planets worth of cute animals in each game, even if they run away, he chases them down and eats them.
ulmxn  - 1 month 26 days ago 
dear god im scarred for life. Kirby why?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!
Vader999  - 1 month 21 days ago 
:D
LOL Kirby!
Never underestimate a moe cannibal!
Chippie17  - 1 month 10 days ago 
the funny thing is im 14 and ive played paper boy ha
elpaulo  - 1 month 7 days ago 
I shall never look at kirby the same way again.
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