Best action survival horror thriller

Winner: Silent Hill 5
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Silent Hill 5 will feature more dreary locations within the mysterious, multi-layered town of Silent Hill and plenty of nurses that we definitely wouldn’t include in sexual fantasies. This entry is not being developed by the usual developer, Team Silent, but is instead a production of The Collective, a team that has largely dealt with creating games based on movies and TV shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Let’s hope they don’t use that horrid Silent Hill movie as reference material.

Silent Hill 5 wins this one because - wait, why do we have to justify completely speculative awards? Silent Hill 5 wins because we said so.

Runner up: Resident Evil 5
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The information we have about Resident Evil 5 so far is fairly cryptic. We’re in a desert where “something happened,” the enemies are not zombies, but are clearly very angry and bloodthirsty, and the game will contain an “obvious evolution of the gameplay.” If it’s so damn obvious, why don’t we know what it is?

2^nd Runner up: Alan Wake
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Imaginary creatures jumping from a writer’s page and (horrifyingly) into reality? We’ve never heard of such a premise, especially not from Wes Craven or Stephen King. We’ve also definitely never heard of any kind of mysterious rural town, especially not in any game series placed higher on this list.

Sarcastic jabs aside, Alan Wake looks great, and we like Remedy, which is why it deserves the much sought after recognition of 2^nd runner up for the best 2008 action survival horror thriller.

The biggest problem we have with the game thus far is the name “Alan Wake.” We were already tired of Remedy’s character naming convention after Max Payne, and they’re at it again, if a bit more subtly.

Alan Wake. A. Wake. Awake. Brilliant.

3^rd Runner Up: Alone in the Dark 5
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Oh yeah, it only helped start the bloody genre, after all. We don’t know much about this title except that it will take place in New York’s Central Park and children shouldn’t play it, as it may cause an early onset of puberty.

4^th Runner up: Dead Space
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Monsters really love dark metallic corridors, which is why space ships designed by the same engineers who brought us diesel submarines make a perfect habitat for these slimy, slobbering abominations. Thanks to Dead Space, however, we happen to be equipped with some sort of device that involves plasma, which we all know is excellent for dismembering sci-fi abominations.

 5^th Runner Up: Left 4 Dead

What the hell, can we try some new genres this year?