They’ve added bumpers now, but the next thing you know, they’ll be adding little makeup mirrors and obligatory turn-signals to your game controllers. We encourage you to melt any unused buttons off your controllers in protest*, and the only buttons you should use are “point,” “shoot” and “punch in the face.”

Aside from the unmanly, difficulty-curbing extra functions the bumpers provide, such as blocking, slowing down, spin-moves and turbo boosts, there’s also the name issue:

Above: “Bumpers”

A.The same word we use for the metal guard used to soften the impact of car crashes.

B.Cushions to ensure even the most uncoordinated of us can succeed at bowling, which sissifies a great American pastime.

C.The least cool type of stickers are often bumper stickers

*melting may have an adverse effect on your warranty.

Eventually you will need to use two hands.

Don’t care about saving puppies or helping old folks? Good, you’re on the right track! A notoriously awful story can usually be fixed by turning down the sound and recruiting a friend to read the script for Rambo: First Blood when characters are speaking. If your friend doesn’t want to, he’s too prissy to be your friend. Men shouldn’t need an excuse to read the First Blood script.

If you have ever uploaded a video of yourself playing a game on YouTube and replaced the music with modern rock, you made the internet worse.

Philosophically, this is what it’s all about. And literally, you might as well just hand in your man card if you aren’t doing this first.

Nov 13, 2008

25 Annoying Things About Non-Gamers
The clueless habits, mistakes and assumptions that drive us insane

The Top 7... Stereotypical gamers we hate
They shouldn't exist, but they do - avoid these gamers at all costs