4. Last Alert
1990 | TurboDuo

For whatever reason, Japanese gamers of the '80s really dug Rambo. Or at least their game industry did, pumping out dozens of near-identical action games starring shirtless, bandanna-wearing commandos who all bore a suspicious resemblance to Sylvester Stallone. But Last Alert was special. Not only did it feature anime-style cinematics - a rarity for the "yarr let's blow things up" genre - but thanks to the magic of CD-ROM, it was able to dress up those cinemas with vocal performances, all of which were terrible.

From the confusing backstory about "the Lloyd government" to the weird revelation that a giant skeletal Jesus is staring at the planet, apparently at the behest of the mysterious Chairman Steve, Last Alert is already plenty stupid. But it's the flat, disinterested-sounding amateur voicework that makes it a treasure of awful presentation. And then the story proper starts, and we're treated to lines like "I thought we'd always do things togethuh. Even when we die!" If you've ever wanted to see what the exact opposite of Metal Gear Solid is, here's your chance: