Mission 11: Uncle Vlad
We're about to unveil a fairly significant spoiler, so those of you who haven't played up to this point in the game might want to stop reading now.

When Niko finds out that Vlad's (probably) been sleeping with - or at the very least stalking - Roman's girlfriend Mallorie, it sends Niko over the edge, and he decides to teach the loan shark a lesson. After he strode into Comrades Bar to confront Vlad, a couple of flunkies rose to stop Niko - and although we could have shot, stabbed or Krav Maga'd them out of our lives, it was actually much easier to just run straight past them. Our attempt to keep casualties to a minimum successful, we tore after Vlad, piled into Roman's cab and - after taking a few hits from Vlad's guards, who'd followed us outside - we sped after him.

Above: These guys look intimidating, but you can dodge them pretty easy

So far, so good - we'd made it to the final stage of the mission without committing any major crimes. Sadly, though, there's just no way to get through this one unless Vlad dies - and the fact that he won't lift a finger or even move to defend himself means it's impossible to trick him into accidental suicide. No, if he dies, it's got to be by your hand... which doesn't mean you've got to go the prescribed route and shoot him in the face, execution style.

Instead, we put the gun away and simply walked into Vlad to see what he'd do. As it turned out, the big tough loan shark was actually pretty easy to push around, and after a few feet, he fell over backwards, tumbling into a slit in the collapsed pier. He caught himself on a guardrail, but after a few seconds he half-heartedly let go - although, in the process, his ankle got caught and he was suspended upside-down.

Above: Whoa! Might want to watch your step there, Vladdy boy

Above: Oh, sorry about that. Don't, you know, pull yourself up or anything

Above: Huh. This is kind of a pickle

Above: Wow, seriously?

With no peaceful way to dislodge him, we were left with one alternative: shooting him in the toe to knock him loose, at which point he fell into the water and drowned.

Above: Sorry, Vlad - your big toe is forfeit

Technically, it was the water that killed him, not Niko - but he still wouldn't have died if we hadn't shot him loose. We tried this a couple more times, but even shoving him cleanly into the water - at which point he'd either swim away and drown, or just tread water and drown - still left Niko as the killer who'd pushed him in. The game might not count it as a kill, but we know who's responsible, and it looks like there's no getting past this point without committing the worst crime there is. Busted.

CRIMES COMMITTED: Murder

... and that's it. That's as far as we got. It's fitting that the Uncle Vlad mission forces you to commit an unpardonable criminal act, since it symbolizes your transition from the small time to the slightly less small time. but unfortunately it also ends the experiment. If your intention is to get through the game without killing anyone, you can't make it any further than this with a clear conscience - and even if you think the fat bastard had it coming, you can't write a killing off as self-defense when the victim doesn't even do anything to defend himself.

On the bright side, though, now that we're done with the goody-goody pretense, you're free to go apeshit blowing up cars in Star Junction. Isn't that a relief?

May 9, 2008