As modelled by: Kratos in God of War series

The Ghost of Sparta may be hard enough to punch God in the face, but we’re sure he’d sacrifice his first born (erm… if he hadn’t killed her horribly, that is) to get some better kit. Let’s be honest. What would you want to wear for visits to the horrendous hell fires of Hades, the frostbite-baiting breezes of snow-covered caverns or a battle against a 100ft brassed-off statue? Is the answer a good, all-purpose pair of undercrackers? Thought not.

Kratos’ loin cloth might have stood the test against Titans, the Kraken and a giant Gorgon. But we always feel it’s just one more Cyclops’ kick away from crumbling in a pile of flaky fabric. In the end there will be only chaos… and hopefully some titanium-bolstered undies, if our boy’s gonna get through his PS3 debut.

As modelled by: Ivy in Soul Calibur series

Soul Calibur IV is like a considered game of chess or, to be more precise, a game of rock-paper-scissors. With swords. And boobs. And evil sci-fi Sith Lords, burnt like charcoal, but protected by iconic black space suits. Anyway, sword beats armour. High attack beats low block. And… erm, a tiny bodice apparently beats everything.

Ivy’s bold choice of PVC lingerie that looks like it’s being held together by prayers and purple liquorice isn’t just suggestive, it’s seemingly indestructible. In a game dominated by skyscraper-esque swords and hammers that could nail continents together, the flimsiest thong in the world stands strong against a barrage of blades while metal trousers and armour plates shatter. But, while it may be eye-catching, we’d still prefer Siegfried’s suit of armour against Vader’s saber.

As modelled by: Superman in Superman Returns: The Videogame

Seriously, has Supes ever heard the syllables ‘in’, ‘cog’ and ‘nito’ put together? Apart from the Grease-style hair and a pair of specs he’s quite clearly Clark Kent in tightly binding spandex. Not only is he putting his missus and hateful bungler Jimmy Olsen in danger of being targeted by his enemies, he’s put himself in the line of fire for a nice big doze of Kryptonite with his choice of outfit.

The Man of Steel’s suit offers no protection from his Achilles’ heal, with crappy rubber offering no protection from deadly, glowing space rocks. If he ever wants to retire to Krypton he should take our advice and get himself some new duds. Below is an artist’s rendition of the suit that would truly make him indestructible.

Sept 12, 2008

The Top 7... 'That's a Dude?' game characters
It's time for androgyny

Gaming's fittest fatties
Fighting fit fat characters and their bypass-baiting moves

Biggest wastes of a superhero's powers
The super folk forced from the mighty to the mundane