Winner: Vampire Rain
Microsoft | 360

You’d think "Splinter Cell with vampires" would literally print money, but Vampire Rain redefines your concept of Hell with a painful mishmash of awful stealth gameplay and criminally unfair enemies. As soon as you’re spotted - which happens regularly - the Nightwalkers (which are either vampires or irritating Goth teens with names like “Raven”) almost immediately destroy you. Two hits and you're worm chum - meanwhile, it takes a whole clip to neutralize a vamp.

Even without cheap deaths, this game still takes a dump on your chest since Rain apparently forgot the recent advances in technology that let us hop over small ledges without a button tap or aim lower than waist-level.

Nitpicky features aside; Rain does an excellent job of threatening your sanity with a shit-ton of cutscenes and unintentionally hilarious dialogue. While you sadly can’t earn an Achievement for shattering the game disc, you can take solace in knowing that Rain’s indefinitely “TBA” for the PS3.

Scratched disc: Escape from Bug Island
Eidos | Wii

This entomological bore-athon vomits the worst parts of survival-horror; namely awful controls, uninspiring nasties (giant mongoloid grasshoppers!) and putrid N64-era graphics. Hey Japan, 1998 called: they want their awful ideas back.