Well, the reality is that there may not be a whole lot of social benefits to gaming, since for a number of years it ran in direct opposition to anything social or beneficial. Granted, we may now play Mortal Kombat with a friend in Vietnam, but you can’t really say that it’s elevated the art of communication. The opposite is far more likely.

No, we aren’t calling gamers sweaty and mush-mouthed misanthropes, if only because -NEWS FLASH - nerds aren't the only people online anymore. Broadband connections, dirt-cheap microphones and the shroud of anonymity have turned in-game chat into a glorious cesspool of juvenile blather.

Above: Dude, come over to my house. It’ll be so bad

Instead of facilitating camaraderie or heightening group participation, social gaming is little more than an outlet excitable youths to scream the N-word, the F-word (the double-G one) and far, far worse: “n00b.” And that’s only when they’re not engaging in rampant Furry Sex, widely considered the lowest form of communication in all the heavens.

Have you ever vocalized words like “LOL” or “FAILZ!” in a non-chatroom situation and not felt like a complete asshole? Of course you haven’t. But there it is, clinging to your vernacular like a dorky deer tick, and you have gaming to thank for it.

Social Benefitness: You’re not the only one screaming racial obscenities

By contrast, women have a lot to impart to a young man’s social upbringing. Just about every genial scenario with a member of the fairer sex will only help you with the next one. Why? Because unlike the diversity games present, most women are exactly the same.

Above: What worked once will probably work repeatedly

Once you think of the fairer species as something along the lines of a nebulous, all-encompassing Gamerscore, then you‘re headed in the right direction. (Although, you’d be wise to avoid the term “Achievement Whores”.) Each and every social conquest adds to your overall tally, regardless of make, model or genre. Whatever you pull off with the wrist-cutting goth chick will, in some manner, be transferable to an encounter with the status-seeking debutante.

Social Benefitness: Every random battle adds experience (Gaming metaphor - look it up)

The ladies eke out a win with societal grace.

Depending on where you’re willing to put a Wii remote, getting any sexual gratification from a game is a nil prospect. Even if you can manage to engulf that vibrating Rez peripheral, the game’s developers never had that kind of satisfaction in mind during the design stages.

Above: Mildly satisfying

Sure, we’ve all stood at attention while admiring Lara Croft’s birth canal as she sexily swims through a tunnel, but any satisfaction that may come about rests entirely in your own hands. It’s not that games can’t titillate, but barring a USB-compatible living doll, games are mainly a catalyst to sexual gratification, and at best, a digital version of the Sears catalog.

Sexual Gratificationness: Not very comfortable.

Congratulations, women! Bouncing back from the temporary upset that occurred during the Roman Empire, the ladies have reigned supreme as the leading object of sexual gratification for over 1500 years. They’re just that good! As of this writing, a biological female offers unsurpassed interactivity and ergonomics without peer.

Above: That’s pretty tempting

If your current model isn’t working for you, there are numerous trade-in options out there, even if most update themselves more frequently than PlayStation firmware, thus giving the gals a much longer shelf life than any console on the market. Seriously, when it comes to sexual gratification, we can’t say enough nice things about women.

Sexual Gratificationness: You can have sex with ‘em.

For now.

Sorry ladies, videogames have bested you 5-3 in the contest virtually no one was asking for. Maybe if you lower your standards, we might give you a fair shot in another year. But as it stands right now, games hold a higher place in our heart. Now please shush, there’s a cutscene on.

Jul 30, 2008