No matter what you play, games take time. Whether it’s to get better, or sink a void of your life before you give that fight club another go, games demand a chunk of your existence. You can pass the time with a handheld on your way to work, or plop your ass down on the couch where the only way you’ll conceive of moving is for A) food, B) dump or C) sex. But considering we’re comparing games to ladies, you can forget C as a likely possibility.

Unless you’re what the games industry considers a “casual gamer” or someone who has much better things to do (read: pick up girls), you’re probably steeped in some mind-fapping RPG or masculine FPS, wherein more time spent playing is roughly equal to your enjoyment and immersion.

Above: 111 hours in GTA: San Andreas

And like girls, some games aren’t worth your time (remember what we said about quality). Other times, your temporal investment reaps some kind of reward - was that a deep story? How leveled-up is your brute warrior? Gamerscore high enough? Any other stunning achievement that is only important to yourself and a handful of your IRC chat friends?

Point is, you get better at games the more time you spend playing. And it’s your prerogative how much gaming you value. Would that time have been better placed towards the fairer sex? Up to you, virgin.

Timeliness: Roll over every once and a while to avoid sores

The difference here is that you don’t actually consider time spent obtaining games as time played. When a title offers 80-plus hours of play, they’re not considering the commute to the mall, and your duration in line to pre-order the latest Petz expansion. But think of it this way: Hitting the bars, clubs and other places single girls frequent are ample times to “level up” your skills before the climactic boss battle with the Beast with Two Backs. Try refining your skills by being the coolest version of yourself you wish you were. Is your hand down her pants? Then you win!

Above: Be prepared to lose a lot of this

Spending time with a girl is another beast. Let’s consider you’re past the crucial “bag and shag” moments. You’ve landed a lady friend and now you need to put in what people refer to as “quality time”. Roughly ¼ (if you’re lucky) of this will be spent doing something that makes you happy. The rest will be lost in a sea of favors, mall expeditions with purse-holding and money spent taking her special places. Buck up chap, because your reward for hanging in there surpasses any gold star a game might sheepishly dole out.

We’re talkin’ chores meals, or a host of sexual perversions she may be ready for. Yes, leveling up your Patience stat brings about more tangible riches than bragging rights at the latest murder simulator. It really doesn’t matter if you know the ins and outs of Super Metroid to see Samus in a bikini by game’s end. While you’re nursing your thumb blisters, your best friend will be tempting you to smell his fingers.

Timeliness: Patience is a virtue

You always know within the first 30 minutes whether or not you want to trade ‘em in. It takes forever to figure out the core gameplay mechanic of women.

We’re talking two costs here: actual money spent and how it affects you. Games are typically in the $30-60 range. Remember: games won’t judge what kind of job you have or where you got your money, whether it’s internet games journalist, blimp repairman or glory hole. It’s all the same to GameStop. If you’re a lunkhead, we boiled it down to this simple formula: Cash = game.

Above: A cautionary tale

The other cost will usually have a direct effect on your personality and bodily appearance. This aspect is most handy in weighing all the choices you’ve made with your tragic life. Did you neglect scrubbing your balls for an extra head shot in Call of Duty 4? You may not care for your funky sack, but the world is cringing from your odor. So let’s try another example - have you spent enough time with World of Warcraft to wake up one morning as a thirty-five-year old in a shit-smeared studio apartment? Now we have your attention.

These might be the most extreme examples of what cost gaming may have to you, but you gotta ask yourself if that pocket monster you’ve chased for the last two hours was worth it over chatting up that blonde number from Accounting. If you’re alone in your apartment, cock in one hand, hot pocket in the other and staring into the middle distance, you might need to change.

Costliness: Goodbye self-preservation

Same thing - actual money spent versus how it affects you. Let’s get the latter out of the way first. If you’re OK shopping for condoms and tampons or don’t mind holding a purse, then you’re already more mature than we suspected. However, don’t forget that the more “time” you spend with a lady, the more it might change you. Have you found you’re watching Grey’s Anatomy a lot more? Cuddling more often? Wearing expensive clothes? Don’t cuss as much? Dieting now? Running more? Bottom line - you’ll change.

Above: If you can identify these people, turn in your man card

As for money, be prepared to be bled dry. Dates include most if not all of the above: restaurants, movies, bowling, theatre, clubs, pool, vacations, comedy, meals, bike rentals, ice cream, presents, any and everything remotely fun. If you make it through a weekend with more than twenty bucks in your wallet, we salute you. If you can’t pay for most of these things, find a better job.

The success of the Sex and the City movie shouldn’t be baffling to you. Ladies know they want an older man who owns property in a large city, dresses stylishly in suits with brand names and is hung like an elephant. It’s not until their fifth Cosmo that they’ll realize they ain’t getting that and will promptly settle for whatever plump reprobate they meet in a smoky lounge, but we digress.

We didn’t even get into the inevitable times when you have “the talk.” Be prepared to lose at least a year off your life span for every time you need to avert a relationship disaster or listen to how bad a boyfriend you are. Worse than smoking, cancer and a punch in the throat combined, “the talk” saps all life force and eradicates any leftover will to live. Short answer: yes we still like you and no we’re not ready to commit. When we both realize life isn’t fun anymore, then we’ll move in together.

Costliness: Just be on the lookout for your balls tucked away neatly in a purse.

You’re generally safer playing a game, with what little self-esteem you have rightly intact.

Padded gamerscore and bragging rights is just the cusp of the bounty gamers reap with their entertainment medium. No one mentions just how beneficial hand-eye coordination is anymore, but we’ve since stopped dropping dinnerware and can now effectively write our names correctly without pissing ourselves - so we’ll chalk that one up to game playing.

Above: Ladies don’t provide this much awesomeness. VROOOOM

Also, did you know games make you smarter? It’s true: according to the survey we conducted with no one, games test your problem solving skill set. Is that a zombie shambling down the street? Shoot ‘em in the head. Need to get by that flaming wreckage? Whip out your Gravity Gun and take care of it. Hooker giving you lip? Shooting them in the face is a likely and reasonable solution (we kid!). And so on.

Games even give your introverted self a kick in the nuts by introducing your life to socializing. Granted, you may be muttering slurs over Xbox Live, but at least you’re doing it with people. Strumming a plastic guitar might even get you to take up the real thing. And combing your digital horse’s mane in whatever DS/Pet cute-sim you purchased can make you think twice about equestrian wrangling.

Rewardness: Fun, fun, fun.

Four words: stanky on your hangdown. That said, only chicks (and dudes if you play your cards right) will satisfy your carnal desires. And unless Nintendo releases an attachable vag-pounder for the Wii, then women will remain your best bet for sexing. However, remember to treat the ladies with respeck, or you’ll taste the wintery freshness of mace.

Negating obvious sexual fulfillment, ladies will reward you according to your aforementioned treatment. Don’t worry - it’s not like a game. You can’t accidentally drop a lady in the toilet (we’ve tried) or erase her memory (also regretfully tried). The time you spend chatting her up or playing pool might lead to untold riches. You also might learn a thing or two about the opposite sex, which will in turn assist you when you’re looking for a new girl after being inevitably dumped for a hotter, richer guy.

Yes, thankfully, you might change ever so slightly to become a more mature, yet thoughtful human being. Rather than caring about your own shlubby ass, you’ll probably evolve into a man and integrate yourself into society. However, that’s a different kind of fun - the kind that comes peppered with responsibility and growing up. Actually, that’s not fun at all. Growing up kinda sucks.

Rewardness: Girls can satisfy in ways games cannot.

At least there’s escapism involved.