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E3 08: The Most Excruciating Moments

 

The folks at Microsoft got to gloat about Gears of War 2 and Final Fantasy XIII, but they also had to make utter fools of themselves in front of millions of people. Was "act like a circus clown" a part of the contract? That's the only explanation for some of this nonsense.


You're in the Movies... and you look like a moron

You're in the Movies proves that anyone - not just Nintendo - can make an hour-long distraction in the guise of a motion sensitive minigame. Nothing at E3 2008 was more awkward than watching three older Microsoft executives demonstrate the useless shenanigans for a live audience. They ran around in virtual clown pants, swatted pathetically at virtual insects and shook their virtual bon-bons in the virtual shower.

The whole thing was about as comfortable as catching your parents in bed. Which is somewhat appropriate, as those are the only people who will ever want to play this game with you.



Do two stolen ideas make a right?

Everyone suspected the Xbox Live Miis... err, avatars were coming, but who knew Microsoft would steal something from Sony as well? The new dashboard is uncluttered, uncomplicated... and totally unoriginal when compared to the PlayStation Network.

Ironically, the two ideas - one from Nintendo and one from Sony - combine to make Xbox Live much less interesting. Who can seriously look at the empty grey space below and be excited?

 



Resident Evil 5 makes us squirm... again

Remember when Resident Evil 5 was accused of racism? We're happy to report that, during the gameplay we witnessed on Monday, the zombie enemies included all sorts of colors and races. Controversy averted!

Problem is the "bad guys" now had something else in common; every one was a shuffling sad sack in tattered clothes, half-heartedly swinging a dirty shovel, pipe or simple wooden board in your vague, general direction. While none came close to really threatening the player, and some actually retreated away from him, he just kept on plugging them with bullets.

Great. Murdering hunger and disease ridden poor people is WAY more fun than murdering Africans. Thanks.

 



Scene It? Never again, we hope.

Multiethnic, multi-aged people gesticulating wildly and having entirely too much fun on a couch together? This must be a trailer for the new Wii title we won’t buy, right?

Nope - turns out Microsoft is capable of churning out this particular brand of torture as well. In the trailer for Scene It? Box Office Smash, a random guy out of central casting stumbles upon a party game, which for some reason has been left running on a dozen electronic store HDTVs. Soon a decrepit yet adorable grandmother and a stuffy store manager have joined in the "fun."

Can Xbox 360 party games truly transcend differences between strangers, bringing us all together in a peaceful utopia? Keep dreaming, Microsoft.



Next up - Sony! 

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15 comments

  • Lycanthrokeith - April 24, 2010 8:26 p.m.

    What exactly was this "Game that makes you feel like you're right in the middle of a butt"? No jokes, I really want to know what he was referring to.
  • Cwf2008 - November 8, 2009 8:19 a.m.

    Amazing. Nintendo was the first company to flip off gamers, then they brought down Microsoft...and Sony just has their head in their ass
  • NinjaWithNoseHair - August 1, 2009 1:03 a.m.

    Jack Tretton FTW!!!!!!!!1!!11!!!!!!!!1!!!!
  • QMRFILMS - June 6, 2009 4:46 a.m.

    wow, the WII music video was so bad, i actually felt like killing myself. couldn't even finish it. thanks alot, nintendo.
  • oryandymackie - June 1, 2009 11:49 a.m.

    Wii: Miyamoto is thinking "I'm a highly paid Nintendo genius! I shouldn't be miming to an imaginary, damn, I don't even know what this instrement's supposed to be!" Microsoft: "Dancin' Gal is thinking "How long do I have to freestyle and whoop for? The audience aren't in such a party mood" Sony: Jack Tretton: "I knew I shouldn't have left tea lying near my lines, Oh God why did I spill tea over my lines?"
  • ironman5 - May 28, 2009 11:52 p.m.

    All of that was scary. Microsoft, Sony, and Nintendo = fail. Especially Nintendo
  • SirBonkers - May 28, 2009 5:15 p.m.

    Wii is just sooo lame!!!!!
  • Turkeykilla7 - June 1, 2009 8:21 p.m.

    The Wii really did suck. It was fun for like a month or so and then it just got lame. The game controls were the worst >< Spining in circles on FPS was gay sauce. Even Zelda wasnt as peasurable because we had to use the nunchuk. Next system let us use a regular game pad, and give us more virtual console games. Id love to play some of the SNES games like Super Double Dragon or Zombies ate my Neighbor. GIVE US MORE!!!!!!!!!
  • Hellwilder - May 30, 2009 5:45 p.m.

    lol at Wii Music. They look sooooo STUPID ... I think I should've bought a PS3...
  • QuickDEMOL1SHER - May 26, 2009 10:28 p.m.

    Right in the middle of the Butt. LOL
  • Dr.Salvador - May 26, 2009 4:56 p.m.

    nintendo have changed gaming forever... theyve fucked it up.
  • mastersword369 - May 26, 2009 1:06 p.m.

    At least Nintendo will do better at E3 2009... right?
  • StupidTownColonStupidStateColon - May 25, 2009 9:57 p.m.

    The only way I saw this article is through a link. Wii music is cringe-inducing.
  • AnonymouZ - May 25, 2009 7:39 p.m.

    damn... i wonder if they let normal people in those things, would they have survived the BOOS*. xD *not the nintendo ones
  • skarysly - December 12, 2008 8:56 a.m.

    Skary.

Showing 1-15 of 15 comments

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