DVDstruction

There's a whole lot of singin' goingdown this week on your PS3... and what's left of your 360's heap of high-def obsolescence. Wait, where you going?! It isn't all bad. Just... mostly. Even more so, since Paramount's abrupt HD DVD cancelations have taken Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street as a casualty of the format war. Which really sucks, 'cause nobody rips off Tim Burton like Tim Burton.


Above: Depp, slanty attics, and barberism - the similarites abound

We suppose you could settle for *shudder* astandard-def version, but you may just want to save that moneyfor surviving relatives, because you’re doubtlessly on the verge of suicide.


August Rush

Some praised this whimsical flick, about an orphaned boy reconnecting with his family through the mind-melting power of pure axemanship, as a new fairy tale for the ages. Unfortunately, most others denounced it as melodramatic pap featuring a punishable amount of Robin Williams. (Which isn't that much these days.)

Cynical critics ripped it to shit, but it bears all the earmarks of a fable that’s likely to eventually find an audience on DVD and TV airings, having been praised for it’s stunning cinematography and musical contributions by Kaki King. It’s been said that the soundtrack is so much better than the movie, people automatically assume Whitney Houston's in it.


Above: "GOOOOOD MORNING VIETNAAAAAM!!! That was me."


Alvin and the Chipmunks

No offense to Jason Lee and David Cross, but we’d rather sit on our own balls and sing our own high pitched version of Funkytown than watch this forced revival of nature’s cutest cover band. Seriously, how did this thing make like 400 million dollars?!

We like shrill voiced crowd pleasers as much as the next game site, but that’s whatCoheed and Cambria’s “Welcome Home”is for. In other words: The Chipmunks are a Rock Band vocal effect away from being completely pointless.


Above: Audiences lined up to do exactly what Alvin is doing


Unbreakable

Oh, thank the Lord Almighty for Unbreakable, the sole high-def release this week you won’t be ashamed to carryaround the mall. Before M. Night Shymalan was writing his way out of endings, he orchestrated an immaculate performance out of Bruce Willis, and what could be Samuel L. Jackson’s defining hair style. (Sorry Tarantino) And most comic book fans would agree that modern superhero adaptations could learn a thing or two from this beautifully crafted origin story.


Above: This ain't canon, bitch!

Unlike his character in The Sixth Sense, Willis plays a loser security guard impervious to death (even if his single weakness couldgethim killed by Dorothy Gale.) Unfortunately we get to see him commit a single heroic act before the flick ends in a cliffhanging Twist-stravaganza! And for a further kick to the cinematic groin, it teases an epic trilogy that’ll probably never, ever happen. Here's hoping for Unbreakable: The Animated Series.

Coming up next week in high-def DVD: The Star Wars Holiday Special, Song of the South, and a 0%chance of lame ass April Fools nonsense.

Apr 1, 2008