Dating advice from the real Sonic the Hedgehog

Valentine's Day is hard. Single? The pressure's on to find someone. Already dating? Well, you better be preparing the most specialest date in the history of all dates. Even if you're married, the expectation is that you'll pull off something so romantic that everything will feel like the first time. That's why you need a ringer when Valentine's Day rolls around. Someone cool. A fixer of epic, amorous proportions.

We went to the fastest thing alive for some tips on how to do Valentine's Day. That's right: this is dating advice from Sonic the Hedgehog. As in @sonic_hedgehog himself. The real deal. Sonic took time off from planning new games, new movies, and a massive 25th anniversary celebration to talk wooing, grooming, and booming. Well. Not booming. He'd prefer to stay away from that subject.

So I'm seeing this special someone and we're planning our second date. The next day we're both free is Valentine's Day, though. How do I make sure... we're not moving too fast?

11/10 times, we’ll tell you that going “too fast” is impossible. 1/100 times, though, you should probably approach things at a moderate pace.

Oh, and if we haven’t mentioned it, we’re not very good at math. Please don’t ask us any math questions.

What should folks do to get that first date? How do you actually ask someone out?

Surprisingly, this one is relatively easy - all you have to do is save the world once or twice. Prevent all of life from certain destruction, and suddenly, bam: you’re just cruising through Palmtree Panic Zone one day and pink hedgehogs are all over you.

Of course, just keep in mind that being popular also means you’ll attract some attention you may not want. And the fan art? Oh, let’s never talk about the fan art, please.

What's Sonic's ideal first date?

Chili Dogs. Sonic SatAM marathon. Collect gold rings. More chili dogs.

Let’s also be honest: If the person you want to date can’t accept your chili dog and/or gold ring obsession, they’re probably not the right fit. This way, you don’t waste any time confirming that the two of you will get along perfectly.

What should people wear on a first date?

Alright, listen, we’re gonna level with you. We don’t actually wear clothes much, if ever, beyond the shoes and gloves.

There was that scarf for a little bit, but that was kind of a phase. Not really feeling that as much these days.

‘Course, we do have some opinions on what you should wear on a first date, because “nothing” is probably not the best answer:

Option 1: “The Sanic”: Khaki shorts and a Hawaiian T-shirt. In this garb, you are required to say “bruh” after every other word. Sunglasses recommended, even indoors.

Option 2: “The & Knuckles”: Tuxedo / fancy dress. Black or dark blue preferred. If you go this route, you need to pretend you have an accent. British is ideal, but Australian will do if you sporadically shout “THROW ANOTHER SHRIMP ON THE BARBIE MATE” in the middle of dinner, preferably at the most inconvenient times.

Now, some people will tell you this isn’t even something Australians say or do, but that’s not true. Those people probably aren’t even Australian. How would they know? Everyone will love it. Trust us.

Dinner and a movie out OR dinner and a movie at home OR no dinner, no movie, and straight to the action?

Start with dinner.

Plans rudely interrupted by Dr. Robotnik taking over the world.

Tell your date you’ll be right back.

Call up your best bro Tails.

Traverse through 16 acts and 8 zones.

Narrowly avoid death at least 22 times.

Collect hundreds of golden rings & all seven chaos emeralds.

Turn into Super Sonic.

Destroy the Death Egg.

Save the World.

Return to dinner just in time for the main course.

That’s pretty much how we’d do it.

What about couples who've been together for a really long time? How do you and Amy make sure Valentine's Day stays caliente after 25 years?

Amigo, no hablo francais. Anyway, let’s set the record straight on Amy here. We’re not a thing. Just because somebody draws adorable (or creepy) fan art of us together on the internet doesn’t make us a thing.

Of course, if you want to keep your relationship fresh, it’s important to mix things up sometimes. Like, for example, maybe a surprise trip to the beautiful slopes of Ice Cap zone, or a summer vacation to Green Hill. Or maybe you spice things up with some physical activity, like… running. Lots and lots of running.

What's the worst thing you've ever done on a date? What's the absolute worst thing that's happened to you on date in return?

OK. So, this technically never happened, alright? OK, good:

Once, we saved this human girl from pretty much certain destruction, but she ended up having feelings for us. Awkward, right? Probably should have left her to fend for herself. One thing led to another, and the next thing we know… wait, actually this answers your next question!

That same date, this jerk comes up and just flat out kills us. Talk about rude, right?

Anyway, the year 2006 was just a bad one for us and dating. We try to forget it ever happened, and technically, it never did.

So your date shows up and they're a mess. Food stains, unkempt hair. The whole shebang. How do you gracefully suggest your special somebody needs to up their grooming skills?

“Someone took a page from Deviantart, I see”, usually goes a long way towards fixing this for the next date.

How much cologne/perfume is too much?

Ew. You want some other dude’s scent on you? We’re not really about the cologne. For the ladies, perfume – if you want, go for it. Just be careful not to layer on too much, or the hedgehog of your dreams will probably go running very fast in the other direction.

If you like it, when do you put a ring on it?

When you can actually almost afford a ring that isn’t candy.

When your significant other has completed Sonic 3 & Knuckles with all the emeralds.

When you’ve been through some serious stuff together, like saving the world and rescuing woodland critters.

When you’ve given yourself enough time to actually get to know them. (But for real, this one is important.)

Tails seems like a pretty decent wingman. What should all wingmen and wingladies keep in mind?

Tails is probably the best wingman the world has ever known. Beyond that title, he literally flies a plane, and nothing impresses the ladies like showing up to your date from the top of your own personal bi-plane. Shout out to you, Tails.

If you’re a wingman or winglady, remember the end-game: You’re here to help your bud clear Friend Zone Act II and head towards the boss fight. Your sacrifice and determination makes this world a better place, so kudos to all the wingmen and wingladies out there.

I got dumped harder than Tails accidentally dropping you into some spikes after picking you up for no reason. How can I finally get over my ex?

We’d recommend spin-dashing, but this will probably result in a number of assault charges and a 200-foot restraining order issued against you.

This one will vary per person. Maybe you just have yet to meet that beautiful hedgehog who will make you realize how lucky you were to have not stuck around with your old ex. Maybe time (or traveling around through it) will slowly patch up your heart.

Or maybe you’re like us, and binge-watching X-files while eating entire gallons of Ice Cream is how you cope with major challenges in life.

There’s no wrong answer, and plus: ice cream is delicious.

So it turns out my partner hates video games. What should you do if you feel your partner isn't supportive of your dreams?

It’s over. It’s all over. Advertise your partner on craigslist and try to find them a new home. They can’t stay with you.

Are you mad that Lightning stole the Louis Vuitton contract out from under you?

To be fair, that was actually Big the Cat competing for that contract, and he still almost won. We firmly maintain that those videos would still have been 10x better with him in them instead of Thunder, or Tifa, or whatever that girl’s name was.

Sonic, do you believe in life after love?

After love? After love?

We’d quote more, but our lawyers will probably freak over the chance that Cher is going to come after us. So, we’ll wrap-up with this:

Whether you’re celebrating Valentines Day or Nation Singles Awareness Day (shout out to all the single peeps reading this), just remember that there’s always a new zone to clear ahead, golden rings to collect, and maybe even a Chao to raise. Whether you play the game of life 1P or 2P, have fun and enjoy the experience.

And if, somewhere along the way, you find the one – then just make sure you go fast, all the way to their heart.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I've been playing games since I turned four in 1986, been writing about them since 1987, and writing about them professionally since 2008. My wife and I live in New York City. Chrono Trigger is my favorite game ever made, Hum's Downward is Heavenward is my favorite album, and I regularly find myself singing "You Won't See Me" by The Beatles in awkward situations.
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