Cute game worlds that would be hell to actually live in

Mario Party's board game world

On the surface...

Hurray! Every day is one big party. What could be better than taking part in a constant stream of good-natured, perennially colourful events with a variety of charming Nintendo characters who all love each other? Seriously, the only thing you'd have to worry about is always having fun.

Above: Shy Guys and big-ass flowers. What's not to like?

Beneath the surface...

It's a world where you ALWAYS have to have fun. Think about that for a second. You can't ever stop having enforced fun. It's like living in a Bill Murray-free Groundhog Day, minus the amusing suicide jokes.

And those seemingly carefree events? They're worse than the shit gladiators were put through during the Roman Empire. At least Maximus got some down time between all the tiger maulings with the sweet embrace of death. The poor bastards in Mario Party are subjected to a never-ending cycle of emotional torment, electrical punishment and constant humiliation. So the next time you see someone playing Mario Party, punch the cruel asshole in the face.

Above: Those heartless dastards

Pikmin's uncharted planet

On the surface...

An enchanting extraterrestrial utopia built on cooperation, loyalty and loads of really purdy shrubbery. After Captain Olimar crash lands on the mysterious planet, the local indigenous wildlife rally to his cause to help him rebuild his ship and get him back home. Brings a tear to the eye socket, don't it?

Above: A pink petal-filled paradise full of joy and helping hands

Beneath the surface...

That touching bond between the indigenous Pikmin and Olimar is essentially a form of thinly veiled slave labour. That prick captain has manipulated the populace into risking their lives against a host of ferocious predators for a few lousy screws and rotor belts.

And after weeks of toil and death what are the exhausted slaves rewarded with? A massive party with Pikmin hookers and space champagne? A nice thank you flan? A warmly worded card? Eh, no...

Above: Don't let Nintendo keep publishing this sick filth. Protest against Pikmin 3 today

LittleBigPlanet's universe

On the surface...

Above: You adorable little bugger

Cute and kooky, right?

LBP houses a joyful world full of infinite charm and inventiveness. It's also got the most adorable character since Gizmo who can be customised into something even cuter thanks to a huge variety of cuddly costumes.

Beneath the surface...

In reality, you're completely at the mercy of user-generated content, which means all that infinite inventiveness goes into creating levels consisting of one thing: giant cocks. And, if you're really unlucky, posters of the Spice Girls and Justin Bieber. And you'll no doubt have to endure all of this while dressed as a sodding Xmas tree.

Someone get Websters on the phone. The definition of hell needs changing right this millisecond.

July 7, 2010


  • metalrichdog - January 3, 2011 8:18 a.m.

    ok the pikmin thing about protesting pikmin3 is screwed up. the game is very fun.
  • christopheblaize - August 10, 2010 3:30 p.m.

    dude this sh*t is halarious
  • redalert3 - July 19, 2010 7:45 p.m.

    here's a good idea, evil cute planet. try that for a sequel
  • redalert3 - July 19, 2010 7:44 p.m.

    well, one thing for sure is that every mario game is terrible to live in. Oh, but don't forget rabbids go home, on the inside, it looks nice and the rabbids are all fluffy and white, but when in the game, thw humans try to kill you with flamethrowers and dogs with raibies. also there are countles times where you are above a bottomless pit, being held up by a fan spinning you 100 mph, and you can only hold on to the shopping cart for dear life. There are tons of evil, yet cute looking games out there.
  • EvilInkarnate - July 16, 2010 9:38 a.m.

    Ahhhh Pikmin 3. When will it happen?? I lol'd at the end of the Lil' Big Planet one. Spice Girls and Justin Bieber. That kids screwed when his balls finally drop.
  • Cwf2008 - July 9, 2010 7:22 a.m.

    excuse me i think i need to go to the hospital. i may have broken some ribs from laughing too hard...and possibly bruised my butt from laughing myself off the chair
  • Lycanthrokeith - July 9, 2010 2:41 a.m.

    RE: Katamari - Not to mention being jammed to the sticky ball, suffering nausea and vertigo from being constantly rolled and turned and bashed against things, before finally being shot out into the cold airless vacuum of space to face an uncertain fate inside said black hole. RE: Pikmin - See Penny Arcade, who took a close up look at those "adorable" little Pikmin, and determined them to be basically walking space piranha.
  • philipshaw - July 8, 2010 10:43 a.m.

    Only Meiks would think like this,quality work
  • GameManiac - July 8, 2010 2:31 a.m.

    I swear, when I read the title of this article, I thought it was a spin-off of the "Top 7 Gory Deaths in Cutesy Games." The pictures with Mario committing suicide, Olimar abandoning his pikmin, and Viva Pinata hell...LOL gold.
  • V13Dragongal - July 8, 2010 1:41 a.m.

    Wow..I'll never think the same way about Mario party again.
  • hardcore_gamer1990 - July 8, 2010 12:53 a.m.

    I remember Pikmin having being mentioned as cruel somewhere before this list, but can't remember where... Meh, probably Zero Punctuation. I notice that was Pikmin 2 you used for the photos, too... BTW, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO RUIN MY FANTASIES ABOUT LIVING AS A SACKBOY?! YOU MONSTERS! :'( ReCaptcha: "behalf arousing"... Completely disturbing
  • enlargedhousecats - July 7, 2010 9:15 p.m.

    hey, that genitalia is from spore!
  • mubobi7593 - July 7, 2010 8:07 p.m.

    ^ At least someone else caught that. :P OT: Great article!
  • Conman93 - July 7, 2010 7:16 p.m.

    What about Windwaker. If u don't have a boat, ur fucked!
  • Fuzunga - July 7, 2010 7:02 p.m.

    Those heartless dastards.
  • mightyboosh - July 7, 2010 6:03 p.m.

    LBP screen shot has got some seriously scaley penises
  • presc1ence - July 7, 2010 5:57 p.m.

    i take it you mean exstinguishes not distinguishes? lol! very amusesome article!
  • DoctorCrazy - July 7, 2010 5:53 p.m.

    I love the picture with old Private Ryan. I bet it was a nice porch too.
  • KnightDehumidifier - July 7, 2010 5:14 p.m.

    Oh wait, what about Kirby's world? While everything is all cuddly and cute, there is sentient spike orbs, cannons firing every which way, an adorable yet vengeful king, a shadowy relentless warrior, and let's not forget that almost every Kirby game has an underlying nightmarish fiend hellbent of dooming the cheerful land.
  • DustyRooster - July 7, 2010 5:09 p.m.

    Great job Meiks!!! Your photoshop skills are a sharp and funny as ever. The paragraph about Viva Pinata after the photos, had me laughing louder at work than I should.

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