Of course we used UFC 2’s character editor to make these monstrosities

With a misuse of facial sliders and a careful application of wholesale moral deficiency, I’ve created a roster of the ugliest fighters to ever stumble into an Octagon. It's a case of either cranking everything up to 11 or reverse-cranking it down to -1 and then marvelling/recoiling at whatever monstrosity UFC 2’s tremendously versatile character editor spits out.

You can protrude lips, cauliflower ears, and stretch tattoos over limbs before tweaking the opacity to turn entire body parts different colours. My weight divisions are now a circus of lost souls, and if you manage to stomach the following grotesqueries long enough to draw inspiration, you too can turn your game into a dark carnival of sin. So without further ado, let’s roll out the freaks.

Bad Baby Bell

The rare victories of Bad Baby Bell are dampened by the “Ouch, ahh,” noises he makes when teammates hoist him on their shoulders and touch his raw, sunburned skin. Crowds have come to admire his thin line of facial hair which joins with his head hair and creates a perfect circle to frame his delicate, baby-like features. His look has garnered a cult following. Fan fiction has been written about that neck bow. Those nipples have a Tumblr page.

Steve Wang

The biggest head in all of fighting and, indeed, the world, some believe Wang is actually an elephant who some joker painted pink and taught to stand on two legs. That's ridiculous. Wang is clearly just a hideously misshapen person who science will study for generations to come. What Wang loses in life, we gain in learning to harvest the power of weathering a thousand consecutive blows to the face.

Konkey Dong’s Bungle Jeat

Konkey Dong is all things to all men. Some say he looks like Peter Griffin, others a hick Michael Moore. What’s for certain, however, is you do not want 220lbs of it straddling you. The belly fat ripples, the chest hair grows sodden with sweat, and the low-hanging forehead ridge can only be described as ‘boobey brow’. It's like someone attached an invisible string to Konkey Dong’s face’s major muscle groups and pulled them together.

Bam Bam Brabera Brown

Hailing from Brasilia, Brazil, Brabera can't pronounce her birth name, which is actually Barbera, so it feels mean to call her that. This is a woman who was brought up fighting, went to school fighting, enjoys leisurely walks fighting, and quiet time with a book fighting. Her face bares decades of uninterrupted punches, but what's amazing is she’s only 18 years old. A hot prospect, then, and definitely one to watch.

Constance Ferrari

This green-maned Scottish-born lass bears the bone structure of an Easter Island statue. She's tattooed a giant X target on her face as if to say, “Go on then, hit me, take a swin-OW! What did you do that for?” She's lost every single one of her 277 fights by first-round knockouts, but she keeps getting offers from the UFC because, well, by this point she can’t exactly get an office job.

Cheeky Lopez

Fighting solely for the rights of blue people everywhere - Blue Man Group, Cookie Monster, The Smurfs - Cheeky Lopez decided to get back at the bullies who chided him after a childhood paint accident by hitting the gym. He's a decent fighter, but no one can take him seriously because he looks like a giant blueberry.

Wrong Wright

His parents used his entire existence as a setup for a lame pun, so Wrong Wright didn't get off to the best start. With a dye of the eyebrow and a concessional tattoo across his belly that simply reads ‘Apologies’, he’s writing wrongs in his own unique way. He’s a talker too, spitting fire during the weigh-in, as well as actual spit.

Ghost Dog

Ghost Dog saw Brock Lesner’s phallic chest tattoo and went one further. Ignoring all pretence, his soon-to-be-iconic triple arrows point straight to his nethers. There's no ambiguity - those ARE his privates. Say what you will about Ghost Dog, like how he looks like a cast iron skillet covered in hubba bubba, or a botched restoration of a 19th century Spanish portrait, but you simply cannot ignore him. Or his crotch.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

In 2012 Ben began his perilous journey in the games industry as a mostly competent writer, later backflipping into the hallowed halls of GamesRadar+ where his purple prose and beige prose combine to form a new type of prose he likes to call ‘brown prose’.
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