ClassicRadar: What if… Hitler smoked pot?

OK, so anyway, Hitler’s there in his cape, smoking weed and talking about occult shit with Goebbels and Bormann, which by the way is a really intimidating name. It’s like a name you’d give to a robot from the ‘50s with, like, a giant metal pincer for one hand and a drill for the other. Can you imagine if top Nazi officials actually looked like that? That’d be badass. I mean, an evil robot in an even-more-evil Nazi suit? I’d sign up to fight against that shit, no questions asked.

Above: Know what else I’d fight? Elephant shrews. Those things creep me right the hell out 

So I think what we can learn from this is that if Hitler smoked pot instead of doing all that speed, the ‘40s would have sucked a lot less, videogames would have sucked a lot more and our grandparents’ generation wouldn’t have been a bunch of violent, Nazi-punching drunks. Unless Hitler was a dracula, in which case he’d probably just be sending out his army of robot Bormanns to steal shit from museums or whatever. Man, Bormann would suck as a museum thief; he’d just be tripping lasers right and left, and that pincer wouldn’t be able to handle a glass cutter worth shit. He’d be all “BEEP-BOOP MUST ACQUIRE SPEAR OF DESTINY” and all the museum guards would hear him and his giant clanking feet and they’d know, man, he could run but they’d know. They’d know it was him. (From DNA.)

Pretty much his only hope at that point would be to clank into the Egyptology wing and try to awaken a mummy, which would probably work momentarily because mummies can’t really kill robots. I mean, it’d probably strangle and stomp on the guards or whatever it is mummies like to do, but that doesn’t work on metal. But since Bormann’s master was a dracula, they’d kind of have to fight eventually, because you can’t have two monsters like that knowing about each other without a fight breaking out.

Above: That’s not according to me, that’s according to science 

Uh, shit. Um... was I supposed to make a bigger version of that image for this ClassicRadar HD Remix thing? I think I was. OK, shit, sorry, sorry, hold on, let me just blow it up real quick...


So then we’d have this big climactic battle between dracula-Hitler and this mummy, but since Hitler’s been smoking pot instead of ramping up military production, the German army isn’t up to the challenge and the mummy just schools them all. And then at the end it’s fought Hitler to a standstill, and then just as it’s about to throw him off the roof of his castle, Bormann sneaks up behind it and bonks it on the head with the Ark of the Covenant. And Hitler’s all, “but how did you sneak up so quietly?” And Bormann just points to a pair of sneakers that he’s, like, duct-taped to his feet. And Hitler just chuckles and goes, like, “put ‘er there,” and he shakes Bormann’s massive pincer and you just know that now we’ll have a new era of peace and understanding between draculas and robots. Roll credits.

Shit, why doesn’t someone make a game out of that?

Originally posted Apr 20, 2010

Hitler’s greatest hits
Dracula or no, Hitler’s been in a bunch of games. Here are some of them

The secret history of Wolfenstein
Like reading about weird Nazi shit? We’ve written about a whole lot more of it

Top 7… things in… uh, in a… a game?
I forgot what this one was about, but it was pretty funny

What if Hitler had game-inspired facial hair?
What’s funnier than Hitler? Mustard gas, for starters. Huh huh. “Mustard”

7 awesome things I’m going to do when I play Natal
Nobody will be expecting these and it’ll be so cool because they won’t know what to do

10 best underage titties
Holy shit guys there’s a webpage with boobs on it



Gaming’s greatest Draculas 


  • lovinmyps3 - May 16, 2011 5:20 a.m.

    This article is one of my favorites.
  • ack235 - April 21, 2011 10:26 p.m.

    This is frekin awsom!!! if If that Catipilar moustachioed man was sky high, the world wouldve been a hella lot better. To quote FauxFurry. "Put that in your pipe and smoke it"
  • philipshaw - April 21, 2011 11:39 a.m.

    This article was and still is amazing, also nice intro Mikel
  • zigs - April 21, 2011 9:44 a.m.

    Just as funny as second time round xD Fucking hysterical read!
  • jackthemenace - April 21, 2011 9:29 a.m.

    I would buy that game.
  • OtterPopAfterbirth - April 21, 2011 8:16 a.m.

    dear mr. reparaz, awesome article. you guys should have more articles of this form "what if _____ did ______". examples: what if marcus phenix was a vegan? what if solid snake went on dancing with the stars? alright i'm sure you can come up with much better ones. by the way, where'd you get that shirt that just says "drugs"? homemade?
  • JuliePeesgood - April 21, 2011 3:34 a.m.

    Wow... Awesomeness. Pure awesomeness.
  • dphoenix192 - April 21, 2011 3:17 a.m.

    This reminds me of Its a pretty funny comic if any of you haven't heard of it.
  • Bianchi - April 21, 2011 3:11 a.m.

    It's also my brithday lol.....WAIT DOES THAT MEAN IM LIKE HITLER? D: lol just kidding, i liked this article a lot, and lol at the tags? xd
  • HumanMeatPuppet - April 21, 2011 2:59 a.m.

    This is the exact article I read when I had gone through a dry period of GR. It was a huge mistake to ever stop visiting this site frequently. I'd like to commend Mikel Reparaz for finding a newfound love for this site. * On a side note, no I do not smoke weed
  • 8bitBaby - April 21, 2011 2:30 a.m.

    also the WANT MORE section! it's wonderfully chaotic! "Holy shit guys there’s a webpage with boobs on it" XDD
  • 8bitBaby - April 21, 2011 2:28 a.m.

    XDD the broken images. gold.
  • elchetos - April 21, 2011 2:28 a.m.

    Pure awesome sauce!! Like, damn good, man
  • Yaro - April 21, 2011 2:06 a.m.

    Yeah my personal fave. =3
  • ninjaemperor - April 21, 2011 2:03 a.m.

    My favorite article ever.
  • FauxFurry - April 21, 2011 1:54 a.m.

    This article ought to be enough to get them to legalize it. "It just might prevent the next genocidal mad-man from nearly wiping an entire race from the face of the Earth which he is bent on conquering! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!" Of course, someone will call Godwin's Law on the whole thing and then everything will be reset to square one.
  • deadhead8786 - April 21, 2011 1:42 a.m.

    Funny article, and probably true. If Hitler was a potsmoker he probably would have been playing hackey sack instead of planning the murder of millions.
  • Moondoggie1157 - April 21, 2011 1:12 a.m.

    We all know if Hitler smoked herb he never would have picked on the jews... He would have completed art school and picked on the French, like the rest of us normal people. (Yes I know the French fell to Germany, I know my history) Well, he would have picked on either the French or the Dutch and their damned wooden shoes... I kid ;) happy 420, much love friends!
  • MsSmith - April 21, 2011 1:01 a.m.

    Mikel, if you'd ever run for president, I'd vote for you. Then create fake people to vote for you. Then go to jail.
  • geneticallyalteredsupergiraffeejaculatinggrenades - April 21, 2011 1:01 a.m.

    I went back and reread this earlier today. Now it's on the homepage again.

Showing 1-20 of 22 comments

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