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ClassicRadar: What if… Hitler smoked pot?

While all that sounds great, no World War II means no World War II videogames, or at the very least really sucky ones. This would be terrible for gaming; I mean, can you imagine what Wolfenstein would be like? It’d probably be about B.J. Blazcowicz running around, like, investigating why Hitler’s so interested in acquiring an ancient historical relic and whether the purchase is compliant with international antiquities law. Maybe at the end, he’d have to fight with a mechsuit-wearing bureaucrat who looks kinda like Hitler, armed only with a strongly worded letter of censure from the League of Nations. Meanwhile, Call of Duty would just be about standing around on the French border and occasionally checking the papers of people driving in and out of the country. It’d be about as exciting as those train simulators Japan is always so crazy about.


Above: Some people would argue this counts as a game. Preposterous! 

In fact, that’s probably the real reason that Einstein never went back in time to kill Hitler, even though he totally could have.


Above: Clear proof from the documentary Command & Conquer: Red Alert 

Dude, Einstein was a pimp. Did you see that show Sliders? I heard Einstein wrote it and then like some grave robbers discovered the scripts for it in his tomb, but then Einstein had turned into a dracula after he died and he killed them all and the CIA covered it up. And that’s why there’ll never be real change in this country, because all the government ever cares about is trying to keep people from finding out about the draculas.


Above: Holy shit, dude, draculas 

Huh. Come to think of it, there’ve been a lot of games about draculas, right? There was that one with the whip, that one with the giant Tom Waits… we could probably do a list article about this. Oh, and there was that one where the draculas were in the rain, too! I think it was called Resident Evil or Castledracula 64 or something. You should probably be writing these down.


Above: Oh, and then there was the one where you could totally see that dracula chick’s tits! It’s so cool that we don’t have to censor nudity in article images anymore 

Man, what if Hitler had been a dracula? That would have explained a whole hell of a lot. All sittin’ around with his cape and dracula trophy, ordering the extermination of gypsies while Goebbels laughs maniacally and tries to eat flies and rolls a monster blunt. Shit, I think we’re really on to something here. You think the CIA would, like, try and kidnap us if they knew we were talking about this? Oh shit dude, what if the CIA is reading this right now?

Holy crap, did a car pull up just now? Did you hear a car? I think I heard a car. I’m going to go to the window and look. Wait, do you think they’ll see me looking out the window and open fire? Oh god, I’m scared. I’m not ready to go to prison and they’re going to know what we’ve been talking about and what we’ve been doing. Why did I even tell you about the Hitler dracula thing? For all I know you’re working for them. Are you working for them? If you’re a cop you have to tell me.


Above: If you’re lying to me, this dog will know

Jesus, brah, quit hogging all the damn Cheetos.

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22 comments

  • batmanboy11 - April 21, 2011 12:50 a.m.

    Hells yeah, love this article!
  • Pillowfort - April 21, 2011 12:54 a.m.

    Mikel will you go to prom with me
  • geneticallyalteredsupergiraffeejaculatinggrenades - April 21, 2011 1:01 a.m.

    I went back and reread this earlier today. Now it's on the homepage again.
  • MsSmith - April 21, 2011 1:01 a.m.

    Mikel, if you'd ever run for president, I'd vote for you. Then create fake people to vote for you. Then go to jail.
  • Moondoggie1157 - April 21, 2011 1:12 a.m.

    We all know if Hitler smoked herb he never would have picked on the jews... He would have completed art school and picked on the French, like the rest of us normal people. (Yes I know the French fell to Germany, I know my history) Well, he would have picked on either the French or the Dutch and their damned wooden shoes... I kid ;) happy 420, much love friends!
  • deadhead8786 - April 21, 2011 1:42 a.m.

    Funny article, and probably true. If Hitler was a potsmoker he probably would have been playing hackey sack instead of planning the murder of millions.
  • FauxFurry - April 21, 2011 1:54 a.m.

    This article ought to be enough to get them to legalize it. "It just might prevent the next genocidal mad-man from nearly wiping an entire race from the face of the Earth which he is bent on conquering! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!" Of course, someone will call Godwin's Law on the whole thing and then everything will be reset to square one.
  • ninjaemperor - April 21, 2011 2:03 a.m.

    My favorite article ever.
  • Yaro - April 21, 2011 2:06 a.m.

    Yeah my personal fave. =3
  • elchetos - April 21, 2011 2:28 a.m.

    Pure awesome sauce!! Like, damn good, man
  • 8bitBaby - April 21, 2011 2:28 a.m.

    XDD the broken images. gold.
  • 8bitBaby - April 21, 2011 2:30 a.m.

    also the WANT MORE section! it's wonderfully chaotic! "Holy shit guys there’s a webpage with boobs on it" XDD
  • HumanMeatPuppet - April 21, 2011 2:59 a.m.

    This is the exact article I read when I had gone through a dry period of GR. It was a huge mistake to ever stop visiting this site frequently. I'd like to commend Mikel Reparaz for finding a newfound love for this site. * On a side note, no I do not smoke weed
  • Bianchi - April 21, 2011 3:11 a.m.

    It's also my brithday lol.....WAIT DOES THAT MEAN IM LIKE HITLER? D: lol just kidding, i liked this article a lot, and lol at the tags? xd
  • dphoenix192 - April 21, 2011 3:17 a.m.

    This reminds me of hipsterhitler.com Its a pretty funny comic if any of you haven't heard of it.
  • JuliePeesgood - April 21, 2011 3:34 a.m.

    Wow... Awesomeness. Pure awesomeness.
  • OtterPopAfterbirth - April 21, 2011 8:16 a.m.

    dear mr. reparaz, awesome article. you guys should have more articles of this form "what if _____ did ______". examples: what if marcus phenix was a vegan? what if solid snake went on dancing with the stars? alright i'm sure you can come up with much better ones. by the way, where'd you get that shirt that just says "drugs"? homemade?
  • jackthemenace - April 21, 2011 9:29 a.m.

    I would buy that game.
  • zigs - April 21, 2011 9:44 a.m.

    Just as funny as second time round xD Fucking hysterical read!
  • philipshaw - April 21, 2011 11:39 a.m.

    This article was and still is amazing, also nice intro Mikel

Showing 1-20 of 22 comments

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