ClassicRadar: What if… Hitler smoked pot?

And what does this have to do with videogames, exactly?

OK, so anyway, Hitler’s there in his cape, smoking weed and talking about occult shit with Goebbels and Bormann, which by the way is a really intimidating name. It’s like a name you’d give to a robot from the ‘50s with, like, a giant metal pincer for one hand and a drill for the other. Can you imagine if top Nazi officials actually looked like that? That’d be badass. I mean, an evil robot in an even-more-evil Nazi suit? I’d sign up to fight against that shit, no questions asked.

Above: Know what else I’d fight? Elephant shrews. Those things creep me right the hell out

So I think what we can learn from this is that if Hitler smoked pot instead of doing all that speed, the ‘40s would have sucked a lot less, videogames would have sucked a lot more and our grandparents’ generation wouldn’t have been a bunch of violent, Nazi-punching drunks. Unless Hitler was a dracula, in which case he’d probably just be sending out his army of robot Bormanns to steal shit from museums or whatever. Man, Bormann would suck as a museum thief; he’d just be tripping lasers right and left, and that pincer wouldn’t be able to handle a glass cutter worth shit. He’d be all “BEEP-BOOP MUST ACQUIRE SPEAR OF DESTINY” and all the museum guards would hear him and his giant clanking feet and they’d know, man, he could run but they’d know. They’d know it was him. (From DNA.)

Pretty much his only hope at that point would be to clank into the Egyptology wing and try to awaken a mummy, which would probably work momentarily because mummies can’t really kill robots. I mean, it’d probably strangle and stomp on the guards or whatever it is mummies like to do, but that doesn’t work on metal. But since Bormann’s master was a dracula, they’d kind of have to fight eventually, because you can’t have two monsters like that knowing about each other without a fight breaking out.

Above: That’s not according to me, that’s according to science

Uh, shit. Um... was Isupposed to make a bigger version of that image for this ClassicRadar HD Remix thing? I think I was.OK, shit,sorry, sorry,hold on, let me just blow it up real quick...


So then we’d have this big climactic battle between dracula-Hitler and this mummy, but since Hitler’s been smoking pot instead of ramping up military production, the German army isn’t up to the challenge and the mummy just schools them all. And then at the end it’s fought Hitler to a standstill, and then just as it’s about to throw him off the roof of his castle, Bormann sneaks up behind it and bonks it on the head with the Ark of the Covenant. And Hitler’s all, “but how did you sneak up so quietly?” And Bormann just points to a pair of sneakers that he’s, like, duct-taped to his feet. And Hitler just chuckles and goes, like, “put ‘er there,” and he shakes Bormann’s massive pincer and you just know that now we’ll have a new era of peace and understanding between draculas and robots. Roll credits.

Shit, why doesn’t someone make a game out of that?

Originally posted Apr 20, 2010

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After graduating from college in 2000 with a BA in journalism, I worked for five years as a copy editor, page designer and videogame-review columnist at a couple of mid-sized newspapers you've never heard of. My column eventually got me a freelancing gig with GMR magazine, which folded a few months later. I was hired on full-time by GamesRadar in late 2005, and have since been paid actual money to write silly articles about lovable blobs.
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