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ClassicRadar: The sexual politics of the Mushroom Kingdom

Bowser

As for the big guy, he's just loving this. And from a big evil bastard's perspective, why shouldn't he? His original plan to kidnap Peach twenty-three years ago has turned into the gift that keeps on giving. He just wanted control over the kingdom, but what he ended up with turned out to be far more satisfying.


 

He might not be sitting on a throne overtly ruling with an iron fist, but he's got absolute power in a way far more appealing to a vindictive lizardy git like himself. He's got Peach coming running to him like the secretly needy primadonna cheerleader runs to her gruff jock boyfriend for all kinds dubious 'approval'. A staged kidnapping attempt every couple of years allows him to secretly keep his dirty, claw-tipped fingers in all manner of pies without alerting suspicion, despite his bizarrely turning up at every kart race and party and acting like an old buddy. (What, you think after all that practice his schemes would still be legitimately failing two decades later? And you never wondered about the lack of animosity?) And most satisfying of all, he gets to see the perpetually cock-blocked plumber come blindly charging in to 'save' Peach, and gets to watch him walk away actually thinking he's won. Every. Single. Time

Oh how Bowser laughs after the end credits roll, and it's all thanks to Stockholm Syndrome. What a delightful little psychological disorder it is.


Luigi

Let's get one thing straight. Luigi is far from the incompetent bumper pack of clumsy he's been portrayed as recently. In fact he's one of the most sharp and on-the-ball people in the Mushroom Kingdom. Things have changed a lot since he and his brother first set out to rescue Peach. Back in the good old days they were a team, going up against it all together and soundly kicking the collective arses of Bowser's finest as brothers. Oh those days. Those glorious, halcyon days. They could do anything back then, and the whole world was one big playground for them to share in victory.

Now however, he just sees Mario as a bit of a tit.

You see Luigi cottoned on to the situation far more swiftly than his brother did. For SMB1 and The Lost Levels he was in it just as deeply as Mario was (Though he did wonder about Peach after she sent them back to the start to rescue her all over again after they clocked World 8-4), but after spending some quality time with the princess in the US version of Super Mario Bros. 2 the cracks in her personality really began to show. When she got herself kidnapped again for SMB3 as a direct reaction to Mario's rescue of Daisy in SML, Luigi saw right through it, and by Super Mario World he was, to use a technical term, sick of the ho's bullshit.

He knew that holiday for the three of them was a mistake. She wanted to go to Dinosaur Land? Yeah, nice one Peach, no potential danger there. Of course he didn't see the kidnap coming before they even got on the plane. No siree. But seeing how far Mario had been sucked in by that point he went along for the ride, probably hoping he could use the shared time on the inevitable mission to make his brother see sense. No such luck. Maybe it was her increased resolution or the way she flashed her expanded colour pallete at him, but whichever cheap trick Peach used to keep Mario interested, it worked, and he remained as devoted as ever. Shortly afterwards, Luigi reluctantly gave up and left Mario to it. He'd tried for years, but now Peach was hijacking his life as well as that of his sibling. Luigi walked away, and that's why he hasn't been playable in a core Mario game since Super Mario 64. He knows what she's up to and he just won't play up to it any more.


Above: Mario suddenly notices that Luigi is pointing at him and whispering "dickhead"

Yeah, he popped up in New Super Mario Bros., but only to quickly snatch a little quality time with his much-missed sibling in multiplayer while he wasn't being distracted by Peach. He still had a run around the main game, but he made sure to only turn up for that after the whole farcical quest was over so as to avoid getting pulled into it. And it was the same with Super Mario Galaxy. He even went as far as pretending to get lost and captured a few times to put people off asking him to help.

Luigi has perhaps lost more than anyone as a result of Peach's whorish ego-trip. We feel for the guy and we hope he's managing to move on.

29 comments

  • PatHan-bHai - March 1, 2013 11:07 a.m.

    u guys should join the CIA or the FBI :3
  • kianbung - April 9, 2011 3:28 p.m.

    Over the top? Looks legit to me. Peach has always come off as an attention whore to me.
  • lovinmyps3 - March 24, 2011 1:33 a.m.

    This is possibly my favorite GR article. A hilarious expose on the secrets of the Mushroom Kingdom.
  • GR_DavidHoughton - March 22, 2011 1:57 p.m.

    m1bayluv41510: Crap, Super Mario Bros. 2 being a dream! I totally forgot to factor that in. It's clearly Mario's subconcious painting a picture of the world he wishes for, where Peach is a useful and caring human being rather than a lazy emotional sponge. Good catch.
  • m1bayluv41510 - March 22, 2011 10:42 a.m.

    I always suspected something shady was up when she got snatched from dino island on a "vacation"(shes royalty LIFE IS a vacation..and dino island over the bahamas?). seriously shes been kidnapped so much that shes actually a honorary citizen of colombia, and wasn't SB2 just a dream? That would explain why peach was actually useful..also the toadstols are passive-agressive little bastards that should be shot on sight..
  • zzzonked - March 21, 2011 7:12 p.m.

    i remember how much i loved this article when it first came out, and i love it even more now. seriously dave, behind of mice and men this is the best thing i've ever read.
  • jackthemenace - March 21, 2011 4:50 p.m.

    I remember this! It was one of my favourite articles when it first came out, and i still loe it now. Classic Radar.
  • EnragedTortoise1 - March 21, 2011 2:02 p.m.

    ...and this is why GamesRadar is my most visited site, to this day. Luigi for-the-mother-futching-win.
  • wladodragovic - March 21, 2011 1:20 p.m.

    Push button A To select B world.
  • super0sonic - March 21, 2011 10:21 a.m.

    You guys tweeted about this about 4:00AM my time. So I am commenting. Also I read this back when it first posted. It's silly and I like it. Also gamesradar is pure ass to post on from iPod.
  • quincytheodore - March 21, 2011 6:37 a.m.

    Wow I never thought someone would write this elaborate take on Mario.. I have new-found albeit probably misguided respect..
  • SenorSlaughter - March 21, 2011 5:37 a.m.

    Can we please get a pt. 2 to this. What dose Rosalina play in this?
  • gamefreakl1996 - March 21, 2011 2:08 a.m.

    I love it when you over analyz stuff :D recaptcha:sousio Labor:
  • 8bitBaby - March 21, 2011 1:46 a.m.

    DRAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! recaptcha : clarts power
  • FanofSaiyan - March 21, 2011 12:59 a.m.

    Where do Wario, Waluigi, the Koopa Clan (all 7 of them) and Rosalina fit into this? Maybe expand upon this inital article with more character bios? While you guys are at it why not explore the Sexual Politics of the Kingdom of Hyrule?
  • TyrannosaurusTexMex - March 21, 2011 12:41 a.m.

    I remember this article!
  • bobbybroccoli - March 21, 2011 12:09 a.m.

    Plus the toads were in New super marion bros wii going after the princess. Two years can really wreck an articles quality.
  • bobbybroccoli - March 21, 2011 12:06 a.m.

    Good flashback, but a bit out of date. Yoshi was in Super mario galaxy 2. so he might think better of poor mario now.
  • fernando90chazari - March 20, 2011 10:32 p.m.

    What if some one will remake "Fable"Story out from "Super Mario"??
  • philipshaw - March 20, 2011 9:48 p.m.

    Classic stuff

Showing 1-20 of 29 comments

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