8. ABOBO SEES HIS REFLECTION
From: Double Dragon (1994)
It’s always fun to look back on predictions people in the past had about the future, especially when the “future” in question was years ago and the predictions are hilariously wrong. Such is the case with Double Dragon, which in 1994 predicted that by 2007, Los Angeles would be demolished by a quake, cars would run on garbage and Andy Dick would be a weatherman.
Above: Actual movie still
It also predicted that the streets of New Angeles would be ruled by rejects from The Warriors…
And that the only people brave enough to stand up to them would look like this:
Above: This is how 1994 imagined street punks would dress four years ago
And also like this:
Above: Psh. Nice wrist-socks, guys
Does that bad guy in the middle panel look at all familiar? It’s Robert “T-1000” Patrick, who looks damn near unrecognizable as “shadow boss” Kogo Shuko, and probably would like to stay that way.
Above: “Fuck you for reminding people this exists, GamesRadar”
Finally, the movie predicted that by 2007, everyone’s trash-burning cars would have built-in police computers that could identify the person standing next to your car and menacing you. This is how we’re introduced to Bo Abobo (Nils Allen Stewart), a tragic figure who is always played for laughs.
Above: Cool, now you know trivia nobody else cares about
While he starts out as a tough-but-stupid gang leader, Abobo is soon made a test subject in Shuko’s labs and given grotesquely huge muscles (but no new clothes to fit them).
Late in the film, he sees himself in the mirror – apparently for the first time – and has a bit of a moment:
If you’ve ever wanted to see a really bad latex creature cry about its own ugliness in a dingy restroom, well, now’s your chance:
7. KIDS GET MASSACRED
From: Postal (2007)
When it comes to Uwe Boll’s Postal, there are generally two prevailing schools of thought. One holds that everything in the film is funny except for the scene where all the kids get shot, and the other maintains that the only funny thing in the film is the scene where all the kids get shot. We’re part of that latter school.
Above: Look, it’s funny in context. Just trust us for now, all right?
The scene begins in Little Germany, a shitty theme park owned by Uwe Boll (playing himself). As the park unveils an exclusive shipment of must-have dolls, Postal creator Vince Desi unmasks himself and rushes Boll for making a shitty movie out of it.
This leads to what may be one of the best images ever committed to film:
Above: YES DESTROY HIM THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE
Also, Chris Coppola is there.
Above: Apparently he insisted on wearing his street clothes for this scene
Just then, Desi pulls a gun, and as nominal hero Postal Dude tries to wrestle it away from him, it goes off…
… killing this guy…
… which enrages these cops…
… and gives Boll an excuse to start shooting…
… which then draws fire from these terrorists, who were there to steal the dolls:
Now, see, what’s funny about what comes next is that all these armed guys are shooting directly at each other, and the only people they manage to kill are the only people they weren’t aiming at. Which is to say all the kids in the theme park.
Above: We like to think that the french-fry statue is the real culprit here
Oh, and Boll gets shot, too. In the balls.
Above: See, we told you it was funny
Still don’t see the humor in it? Maybe you should watch it for yourself, then: