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ClassicRadar: The 16 most awesomely bad videogame movie moments

13. MEAT LOAF IS AN OVERACTING VAMPIRE

From: Bloodrayne (2005)

Among those who actually watch videogame movies, Bloodrayne is widely considered the point at which director Uwe Boll’s films went from mind-bendingly unwatchable to just sucky. Starring Kristanna Loken as Rayne, a half-vampire out to kill other vampires, the film loped aimlessly through half-heartedly gory scenes of medieval Eastern Europe, culminating with the worst performance of Ben Kingsley’s career.


Above: “For this I turned down Cleaver?” 

Before that, though, we get to see C-list rock god and occasional actor Meat Loaf put on a silly wig and lounge around with a bunch of naked Czech prostitutes as hedonistic vampire lord Leonid.

When a servant of villain Kagan (Kingsley) stops into Leonid’s lair on his way to deliver an unconscious Rayne to his master, Leonid decides he’s having none of it and demands he keep Rayne as a gift.

Loaf’s performance here is uniquely terrible, creating a leering, odious presence that gives new meaning to the phrases “hammy acting,” “hampire,” “ham-fisted,” “hambeast” and “we’re insinuating Meat Loaf is fat.”

No, that’s it. You should really watch it, though:


 


12. DRUGS ARE GOOD

From: Max Payne (2008)

Part fantastically boring police procedural, part revenge fantasy and all terrible movie, Max Payne was hailed as “the first great videogame movie” right up until the point that anyone saw it.


Above: “My movie’s good, right? SAY MY MOVIE’S GOOD” 

The most frequently asked question when the first trailers for Max Payne came out was, “what the hell are those winged things?” The answer is that they’re hallucinations brought on by Valkyr, a mysterious drug that turns its users into homicidal maniacs… apart from a small percentage who magically become psychotic, nigh-invincible super-soldiers.

After swimming out of a freezing river where he was left to drown by his enemies, Max has a simple choice: lie around and die of hypothermia, or drink the vial of Valkyr stuck conveniently in his pocket and see what happens. Shockingly (to absolutely no one), Max turns out to have the super-soldier genes, and what he experiences as a result is nothing short of hilarious.

Go on, see it for yourself:


 


11. CHURCH INVASION

From: Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)

Widely regarded as one of the worst-ever sequels to a fairly decent videogame movie, Resident Evil: Apocalypse is notable mainly for turning RE3’s Nemesis into a big, turdy-looking Terminator.

It also brings back RE film heroine Alice (Milla Jovovich), who has the audacity to not only have goofy superpowers, but also to interact with game-series regulars like Jill Valentine (Sienna Guillory). When the two meet up, Jill and her comrades are pinned down in a church by a mediocre CG effect that’s supposed to pass for a Licker.

When suddenly…


Above: NYEORRRRRM SKRRRRSH 

And then…


Above: VROOM VROOOM 

And…


Above: WHOOSH 

When suddenly…


Above: EEEEERRRRRRTTT 

And inevitably…


Above: BLAAAAOW PSSSHHH 

That is, until……


Above: THWPP THWPP THWPP 

GOD.

Just watch it already:


 

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48 comments

  • Sjoeki - July 13, 2011 9:56 p.m.

    So hard to pick a favorite!! It's all oscar material!
  • stephenrobinson - July 13, 2011 8:46 p.m.

    It makes me wonder if the likes of, Ben Kingsley, Ron Perlman, Jason Statham, Ray Liotta and Burt Reynolds were threatened in some way to be in an uwe bollocks movie
  • grayguwapo - June 16, 2011 4:08 a.m.

    hahahaha... i never thought of watching street fighter that way... i will watch it again as a comedy as it makes more sense that way...
  • metalgatesolid - March 12, 2011 6:40 p.m.

    I just have to say i Love the way you guys write about things like this. Very funny. Agree with all of them. Lets be honest though the only decent videogame film is Silent Hill.
  • TheMadderHatter - March 11, 2011 10:27 p.m.

    This article: Still hilarious, and truly a classic collection of perfect abominations. Half the comments on this article (i.e., WAAAH YOU HURTED MY FEELINGS ABOUT A MOVIE): Facepalm. Although, they really seem to fit in with those scenes...
  • DIStroyinmasses - March 11, 2011 8:44 a.m.

    o dear, FAR CRY, i wana kill the fat guy allready!
  • Imthedoctor - March 11, 2011 2:49 a.m.

    the screen shot of the cheesy mortal kombat CGI battle made my ******* day xD
  • talkraider - March 11, 2011 2 a.m.

    Holy crap the video player is bad. Half the videos wouldn't play.
  • soren7550 - March 10, 2011 10:56 p.m.

    Seeing the screenshots of Uwe Bowl getting hurt made my day.
  • bass88 - March 10, 2011 10:24 p.m.

    I actually dropkicked a rabid dog that was hurtling towards me so the Resident Evil scene isn't so stupid for me. It was when I first saw it but nowadays it's almost like a perfect reenactment of that day.
  • beema - March 10, 2011 5:56 p.m.

    I love that 90% of the movies on here are by Uwe Boll. I can't believe that turd burglar actual was somewhat glorified on an episode of No Reservations. Also, there's a Postal movie!? WTF?
  • Pottyaboutpotter1 - March 10, 2011 4:44 p.m.

    How dare you slate the resident evil movies! All they are is action packed romps which the cast and crew intend them to be. They don't try to be like the games they distant themselves by setting up a new continuity so people who don't play games can still enjoy them. That and they're just fantastic films. all 4 of them!
  • Sonneilon - March 10, 2011 3:40 p.m.

    Oh, wasn't the Doom movie based on Doom4? And Mortal Kombat1 was deemed good mainly because it was compared to StreetFighter which sucked all over. Seeing how, back then, those were the two biggest fighting games, it was about which movie would be most 'faithful'. Mortal Kombat won out because it was darker, it had better action sequences, characters were fairly faithful and the story was better.
  • Sonneilon - March 10, 2011 3:36 p.m.

    I remember when MK2 came out. Saw it in theaters. Everyone thought the writers (and director) were on crack for that animality scene. Sub-zero's entrance was, let's face it, bizarre. Still, it was nice to look at Kitana and Sonya. Being a casual gamer, I wouldn't have recognized the relation between movie and game. Far Cry in particular. I wonder how many times that has shown up on SYFY.
  • Ariaka - March 10, 2011 8:19 a.m.

    Another case of I was around to see this when it was new XD Go GR, Happy Birthday! ^_^
  • CatrParrot - March 10, 2011 5:58 a.m.

    I forgot how crappy the special effects were in Annihilation. And why the overabundance of somersaults? At least the first movie wasn't as bad.
  • Thezombiesarepeople2 - March 10, 2011 5:02 a.m.

    Ok... umm... just a couple things I disagree with here: 1) Resident Evil movies were awesome and are awesome. 2) Hitman wasn't THAT bad, and the action scenes were sick. 3) DOOM would have been good if it had actually followed the story. It had a pretty good script and special effects and stuff, considering when it was made. 4) The scenes from Koopa Visits Brooklyn and Postal made me crack up so hard I almost crapped my pants. No joke.
  • 2cute2Bcruel - March 10, 2011 3:46 a.m.

    This list is full of funny. I'm so glad that Resident Evil: Apocalypse got nailed for being the awful piece of dumb that it truly is. What I think is far worse than the church scene is Jill's unnecessary F-bomb directed at Alice right afterwards. OoC much?
  • TDUBBS - March 10, 2011 2 a.m.

    Why does the villain in Far Cry look like Lorne Michaels?
  • tifanity - March 9, 2011 10:37 p.m.

    I don't know why people bash the Resident Evil movies so much. You all want a predictable movie just like the game? Then why even watch? They went a different direction and I think it worked. It isn't even that bad of a movie considering there are a total of four and another in the works. To me the worst has to be House of the Dead and Mortal Kombat 2.

Showing 1-20 of 48 comments

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