10. LORDS OF MELODRAMA
From: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007)
For the record, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale is about these guys:
Who spend a lot of time fighting these guys:
While this guy is king…
And these guys plot to take over:
We’ve already ripped on the awful camp performances of Ray Liotta and Matthew Lillardonce before, but they bear repeating, because this is a rare instance where the most awful thing in a movie is also its most watchable thing. Embarrassing as it is, watching Lillard hurl himself around the set while Liotta tries to use every muscle in his face is hard not to laugh at, and when the two are onscreen together the result is at once dramatic shit and comedy gold.
Because we’ve already used an earlier scene with these two once before, we’ll instead focus on a different meeting, during which Lillard rolls around on the floor begging for an antidote that Liotta gives him in dramatic slow motion. Also there’s a lot of wailing. Watch it, it’s funny:
9. BACK TO BACK
From: Far Cry (2008)
“Wait, what?” said most of our American readers just now. “Uwe Boll’s Far Cry actually came out?”
It did indeed – in Europe, at least, where Boll’s films are better “appreciated.” The film version of Far Cry takes a few liberties with the game’s plot, moving it from its trademark tropical setting to the cheaper-to-film pine forests of Vancouver. It also casts Til Schweiger as Jack Carver, who has been made German for the purpose of casting Til Schweiger.
Also, Udo Kier is in it and he does this:
So, right, the scene. Far Cry, like several other Boll movies, features Chris Coppola as an unfunny comic-relief fat guy who whines a lot. This time, he’s named Emilio the Food Guy, because – get this – he likes food.
Above: To be fair, he also gasps and squeaks a lot when he eats
Naturally, Coppola gets kidnapped by Carver and turned into his sidekick, ensuring we’ll see plenty more of him as the film wears on.
Above: Oh Christ no
Later, we’re treated to several scenes during which he’s chained back-to-back with Schweiger, which as it turns out is an ideal setup for his shameless brand of wailing and physical embarrassment.
Above: Oh wow, one of them actually did something kind of funny at the end there
It’s uniquely horrible, but also strangely compelling. To see it for yourself, check this out: