If the game in question wasn’t a tentpole release or a total longshot in need of some creative voice work, it likely ended up here – a collection of N64 and Game Boy Color titles that impressed next to no one and disappeared into the ether of time (but not in a cool poetic way, just boring).
Mega Man 64: Some consider the Mega Man Legends series a classic in its own right. Others think it’s the first misstep the franchise took that ultimately led the situation it’s in today. However, we can all agree it looks like shit today.
Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire: Lucas actually treated this product launch like a mini-movie, with a full John Williams soundtrack, novelization, specific toy line and, of course, a headliner N64 game that aged horribly.
Rocket: Robot on Wheels: Charming platformer from Sucker Punch, who went on to create the equally disarming Sly Cooper series and, most recently, inFamous for PS3.
Tonic Trouble: On the other end of the spectrum is this, a Rayman spin-off that critics mauled and consumers ignored. Included because it’s apparent how bad Ubi wanted Ed to become a new star – listen to how many times the guy says “Ed this” and “Ed that.”
Fighter Destiny II: Giving in to the surely roaring demand to Fighters Destiny, Imagineer and Ocean (both of which are essentially out of the games business now) spat up a sequel that no one played. Remarkable only because someone nobly tried to make a decent N64 brawler.
Ready 2 Rumble Boxing: Best known as a Dreamcast launch title, it also appeared on N64 and PSone. It was so-so then and just plain dreadful now.
Shadow Man: As far as N64 games go, this was a genuinely dark, disturbing and downright grisly adventure that kept us entertained for weeks. The PS2 sequel had stiffer competition and a struggling Acclaim to overcome.
Mary Kate & Ashley Pocket Planner: Be grateful this is no longer a viable franchise to milk. “Club Acclaim” barfed up untold numbers of MK&A games in a short span, most of them as shameful as the non-game planner seen above.
Tomb Raider: Nothing like its console sisters, the GBC version was a beautifully animated 2D platformer that performed surprisingly well. Though the guy voicing doesn’t sound like he knows what guns or tombs even are.
Bionic Commando: Before 2009’s next-gen letdown there was a 2000 re-imagining that also died on its feet. How can this idea be so hard to get right?
Warlocked: A Game Boy RTS? With decent visuals and animation? Pity this didn’t light up the charts, as it’s easily one of the system’s best (and most ambitious) games.
Star Craft 64: Same as with Command & Conquer – not sure why devs insisted on porting major PC RTS titles to a cartridge system, but hey, here it is.
Star Wars: Episode I Pod Racer: The film may make a tiny bit of vomit rise into your mouth, but this balls-to-the-space-walls racer really sold the idea of pod racing. If it weren’t for the hopelessly blurry graphics we’d still play this today.
Castlevania 64: We’ve grouped these two games together because the display another common trait these voiceovers have – terrible puns at the last minute. Castlevania needs a gag, huh? Better whip it… whip it good!
Spider-Man: The first Spidey game in some years, and the first to get the formula in place for today’s successful sequels (like say Web of Shadows). Ends with a very era-appropriate internet joke about webmasters. Timely!
Like all companies interested in taking your money, Nintendo changes its advertising slant once in a while, usually when there’s something new to promote or when sales are slowing. In this case, it was the Game Boy Color’s last year in power (mere months before the GBA took over) and they needed to move units fast. So, we got this.
Final page: Late ‘90s, early ‘00s commercials that range from classic to zomgwtfbbq
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