TRANSCRIPT FOR "THE LAZLOW SHOW" ON INTEGRITY 2.0 RADIO STATION ON GRAND THEFT AUTO IV. The content herein is copyright Take-Two Interactive Software Inc. and Rockstar Games, written by Dan Houser and Lazlow. Transcript made by Harwin, 2008. Version 1.40 Be forewarned that the following contains explicit suggestive content, aimed at a mature public. That said, a couple of notes on the following transcript: - Words or phrases enclosed within brackets "[]" are those that I was unable to discern from the talk show. Most of them contain whatever came to mind. I strongly encourage you to send me an e-mail if you know what it is that is being said. I need special help on the "film crew" section of the show. There's a line in the dialogue in which I have no idea what the guy is saying. - Words or phrases enclosed within parentheses "()" are parts of overlaying dialogue in which the other person is saying something at the same time. If you feel there's a mistake of any kind, even for parts that I didn't mark within brackets, please send me an e-mail to ardente_climhazzard(at)yahoo.com The latest version of this document can be found on the following sites: http://www.ign.com/ http://www.gamefaqs.com/ http://www.neoseeker.com/ http://www.supercheats.com/ Credits for contributions are at the end of the document. =============================================================================== PART I =============================================================================== ANNOUNCER: He's getting older, but not wiser. It's Lazlow on Integrity 2.0. LAZLOW: All right, you're listening to the Lazlow Show, only on Integrity. We're broadcasting live from the streets of Liberty City. Nobody does live radio anymore, nobody apart from me. I'm your host Lazlow. It's been a long time, Liberty City. Too long for--for both of us. Kinda had a dry spell there, you know. Liberty City is like a woman, you know. You love her, you hate her, you come crawling back to her so she can step on your dreams... But--but I do love the women here, you know, the chicks in Liberty City have higher expectations than the slobs in Vice City, and they're not as paranoid about you slipping in some GHB to their drink. This is the media event of the century, because I'm bringing radio back to the people. It's Radio 2.0. It's the future, you know. You don't listen with your ears, you--you listen with your soul. We're gonna be doing a radio show, and a podcast about the radio show and a blog that's about the podcast that's about the radio show. It's--it's media intermingling, uh, like, uh, like one of those magazine ads that have [all- different] ethnicities. You know, I'm getting under the city's skin, you know, into the fatty layer with the--with the warm pillow of a [gunt] to rest your head on. You look up and you go "where's my dignity?" With this radio show I'm making a difference and--and it's all in association with our sponsor ZIT, 'cause we can spot the song you're looking for. You're listening to the radio, you hear a song, call ZIT, 948-555-01100. Yeah, that's right, I'm walking the streets doing a show. This is live, people! Huh! THIS IS RADIO! PEDESTRIAN WOMAN 1: Can you keep your voice down? You're talking too loud. LAZLOW: Hey! Easy, honey! I--I'm on the radio. PEDESTRIAN WOMAN 1: Who cares what this is? Shut up! LAZLOW: Yeah? Can you wear a bag over your head? You're ugly. Go play some Sudoku and die peeing on yourself. You don't talk to the media like that. This is radio! In--in association with my mega-awesome sponsor ZIT. This is about people taking the city back from the media bearance. I'm literally walking the streets of Liberty City, interviewing people, getting questions answered, you know, discovering why people want to live in a crime-infested overpriced dump without trees. Ah, excuse me, sir, ah, can I speak to you for a minute? PEDESTRIAN MAN 1: What do you want? LAZLOW: Well, I want you to-- PEDESTRIAN MAN 1: Hey--hey, I'm not like that. I'm not a [knob goblin]. LAZLOW: H-hey, listen, easy. OK? You're not my type. I prefer, you know, unconscious chicks or--or MILFs with--with stretch marks. Besides, listen, dude, hah, I'm famous. Do--do you want to be famous? PEDESTRIAN MAN 1: No way! I don't want the paparazzi taking pictures of me naked doing coke. LAZLOW: Sorry, bro, you're a little too late. You just made radio history. You're the very first guest on Integrity 2.0. This is history, my friend, the Lazlow Show, here, making media history like--like when they shot the president on that episode of 72. "Oh, I've been up for three days, I'm--I'm really moody, I'm trying to fight terrorism." You know, how come nobody on TV goes to the bathroom? PEDESTRIAN MAN 1: What are you talking about? Have you been drinking? LAZLOW: Ah--ah--ah, yeah, a--a little. But--but, listen, quiet. OK? I'm talking. Let the host talk. People will remember this show, they'll remember this time, because, you know, I'm finally re-inventing radio. I'm--I'm like Lazlow Marconi, you know. I've tried blogging, porn, I've tried Vinewood, ah, gloryholes, facefuls of pills. But screw that. You know. I'm not about dependency anymore. It's finally about me, you know, I'm--'cause I'm a good- looking guy. I got a six-pack. Huh! Look at that, huh? PEDESTRIAN MAN 1: Oh, c'--dude, don't show me your stomach. That's disgusting. LAZLOW: Hey! Come back here! I--I'll show you my gluts! PEDESTRIAN MAN 1: N--leave me alone! LAZLOW: C'mo--c'mon, you've made history! PEDESTRIAN MAN 1: Go away! LAZLOW: You're like the John Wilkes Booth of radio! What is wrong with the people of Liberty City, you know. Don't they want to be famous? Excuse me, madam, ah, look--listen, you're live on the radio, have you got anything to say? PEDESTRIAN GIRL 1: What?! Oh, my God. LAZLOW: T--take your time, honey. This is the reality of live entertainment, l--like when I put on a fat suit and go and feel up tourists. You know. Or that thing that got me indicted. Are you finally ready? PEDESTRIAN GIRL 1: What are you talking about? LAZLOW: No, it's--no, it's OK, t--take your time. No problem. You know. Imagine you're a stud about to impregnate a prize race horse, you know. I'm kind like the Seabiscuit of radio. PEDESTRIAN GIRL 1: Did you just call me a horse? LAZLOW: N--not really, but, now that you mention it. I'm just getting metaphorical on sort of an equestrian sense, you know. You know. 'Cause I've written fantastic poetry. You know. I bet you look at me and you're thinking "wow, what a guy", you know, "how can I coax this filly into a moral congress? Can this man make a video with a horse?" You know, lust, it's an idea, you know, like freedom, like--like girls with leg braces falling down stairs, like--like dark matter. You know. Like--like shaking it when you're done at the urinal, but it doesn't really help. So tell me, what's on your mind here in Liberty City? PEDESTRIAN GIRL 1: Yeah, um, oh, my God, am I on the radio? LAZLOW: Do you not realize that? This is a microphone, stupid. PEDESTRIAN GIRL 1: OH-MY-GOD, you're an a**hole. LAZLOW: No. Actually, I'm a DJ. But--but I don't spin records, you know. I spin words, in the minds. Uh, let's go over here to this guy sitting there, you know, eating--eating lunch outside, ah, what do you think is the problem with this city? PEDESTRIAN MAN 2: The problem with this city? Man, look around you. Look at these women. Look at the--look at these skirts. Look what they're wearing. They wear these things and they don't want you to touch them? All of a sudden a cop is after you. All of a sudden their boyfriends are coming after you. Why? Do you want to show me parts of your body? I wanna touch them. Let me touch them and I'll go away. I don't want to have babies with you, I just want to touch for a little while. Is that a crime? LAZLOW: A--a--actually, s--sort of yeah, yeah, you (OK) can't just go grabbing, you--women's, ah, buttocks. PEDESTRIAN MAN 2: What about lightly? LAZLOW: No! PEDESTRIAN MAN 2: Hey, we--we're people too. We're part of society. And all we're doing is, we're just grabbing for a little while and letting go. LAZLOW: Yeah. PEDESTRIAN MAN 2: Nipples. Necks. Buttocks. (OK, I got--) Thighs. (--I got you) Front. (OK. Listen. Give me the microphone back!) Feet. LAZLOW: Listen, I agree with you. I mean, the fashion is in big trouble in this city. I--you know, women, uh, sometimes, like you say, are--are so attractive, you--you--you can't help but--but bite them. PEDESTRIAN MAN 2: Yeah. LAZLOW: Uh, and--and then there's other women that are wearing like those lime-green-and-orange rubber clog sandals, ugh. I--I mean, you kno--women are wearing tit curtains now that-(oh, yeah)-that make them look pregnant. I mean, you know. (yeah) Men wearing women's jeans. (ohh) I--I mean, you get in trouble (hmm) for hanging outside the women's clinic now (hmm) to cruise on chicks. PEDESTRIAN MAN 2: You got in trouble for that? LAZLOW: What happened to freedom in this city? You know, I mean. The mayor is shutting down the porn stores, you know, banning smoking, trying-- trying to outlaw fun. PEDESTRIAN MAN 2: But there's more places you can go, man. You can find some--some more places to--to find women. LAZLOW: Like...? PEDESTRIAN MAN 2: Schools. LAZLOW: Could you really not rub your junk (why not?) and--and talk about (why not?--) schools? PEDESTRIAN MAN 2: Let me just do it for a little while. LAZLOW: Dude, listen. PEDESTRIAN MAN 2: Schools... LAZLOW: Stop. Listen, dude. (ohhh) OK, just--fi--finish up. I don't wanna be-(there we go)-I just don't wanna-(there we go)-I just don't wanna be-(that's it, that's all--)-OK-(--I wanted to do and there it is)-OK. I-(there we go)- don't wanna give you blue balls on my radio show. (ohhh) You know. (what a day) I mean, I'm talking about the glory days in life. You know, I mean. If you think back to when--when sixteen-year-olds could drink and listen to metal music, you know, and you could smoke in bars, you--you get in high-speed accidents, you go "dude, I lost my right arm" and your friends would say "dude, who cares? you can drum". You know, I mean, it's like I--I--I-- PEDESTRIAN MAN 2: You--you--think--you--you could do it with your sister? LAZLOW: Dude, shut up. I'm trying to do a fuc*ing radio show here. You know what? I mean. Things were so much simpler before I got divorced, you know. But, this really isn't about me. It's about (uhh) you, the people on the streets, uh, (yeah) this guy, uh, (mmhmm) rubbing his junk. You know. I mean--it's about a revolution, you know. Anyway, this is Radio 2.0. It's in association with ZIT. You know, 'cause nobody has been this edgier or--or even stupided to--to take on the media, you know. This is the number-one media investment of our time. You go out, you talk to the real people of Liberty City, you know, and then you've got everything set up and then the fuc*ing a**holes at the Bank of Liberty deny your loan the day that [the rent] on your studios. PEDESTRIAN MAN 2: Oh, dude, they're the worst. So, you know the little plastic window thing? I put my junk right through the little hole on the window. LAZLOW: Ahh--you know, my life is an amusement ride, a--and it needs to be on the radio because, you know, in life it's like you wait in line all day for this ride called life, you--you sweat, you hate yourself, and then it's over in 45 seconds and she looks at you, she says "you know? I have to go" and she sort of get--leaves the room awkwardly and--and you just wish that once you could share a bed with someone who wouldn't get creeped out by the pictures of my ex- wife on the nightstand. I gotta take a break. -------------------------------|COMMERCIAL BREAK|------------------------------ =============================================================================== PART II =============================================================================== ANNOUNCER: Telling you like it is on the tough streets. Here is Lazlow, trying to reclaim his integrity. LAZLOW: Alright, you're back, it's the Lazlow Show on Integrity. Integrity is the name of the station. I'm out here walking the streets of Liberty City, doing a live radio show, meeting the real citizens of the city, you know. Getting urban, you know. Like--like a music video, and I'm in slo-mo, and--and there's just girls dancing around me. Ah, excuse me, young man, ah, do you want to be on the radio? PEDESTRIAN MAN 3: Young man? You trapped in the Seventies? Nobody says "young man". What else you gonna say? "Fresh"? LAZLOW: Look--whatever, homeboy. Listen. Tell me what the kids are into. I gotta connect with the kids. Not my private parts, you know, but--that's for online--but, what are you out doing? PEDESTRIAN MAN 3: Yo, I'm delivering weed. LAZLOW: But, you--you're only like thirteen. PEDESTRIAN MAN 3: Exactly. I won't go to prison. That's what my cousin told me. We work for flyhighpizzapie.com You want a smoke? It's good sh*t. I got Purple Goat, Widow's Laughter, Blueberry Nightmare, Amsterdam Amnesia and some [?] Vagina. It's all good. It's good sh*t. Blow your head off. Only three hundred dollars a quarter. LAZLOW: Damn! Ain't this city is some overpriced sh*t. Look, I don't need fancy brand names for reefer. Yeah--commercialism is destroying the grit of this city. You know, when you can catch an STD from a--from a him/her. You know. Look at Star Junction. People singing to each other and fisting puppets, instead of having gun fights and shooting horse. Get out of here. You know, this show is not gonna be like the one I did at that--that radio station in buttfuc* nowhere. I spent the last few years of my life in a gin martini getting shafted by the cruel fates of slow career suicide. The city makes you angry. Makes you wanna rip a--rip a fool's head off. You know. Bite people on the cheek for talking on the fuc*ing mobile phone on the train. You know, bite people walking too slow up the stairs of the subway. You know. Bite people that are more successful than me. It--it's like I'm radioactive. Why can't I have a girl half my age like all my friends that are in the media? Huh? Someone young and dumb. You know, I've taken a lot of risks. Ju--just like this. You know. I'm--I'm back. They say you can't keep a good guy down. You, sir, can you keep a good guy down? PEDESTRIAN MAN 4: Sure, but I don't wanna go down, man. You can go down on me. Heheh. LAZLOW: Oh, wow. Easy, fella. You know. I'm a raging heterosexual. Ask my ex-wife. That's why they call me Jack Rabbit Jones. What is wrong with this place? You people are freaks. PEDESTRIAN MAN 4: Hey, a**hole. I'm not a freak. LAZLOW: Right. Whatever. You know, there may be a lot of freaks in Liberty City but the biggest freak in town is back. Me. Excuse me, ma'am, my name is Lazlow, am I the biggest freak you've ever met? PEDESTRIAN WOMAN 2: Are you kidding? You should meet my husband. He wears my underwear when he thinks I'm out of the house. LAZLOW: Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. You know. I mean, I've worn panties. PEDESTRIAN WOMAN 2: Damn. You've got some problems, son. LAZLOW: Hey, it's not weird if a chick asks you to do it. Then it's hot. Listen, I'm--I'm kind of divorced. PEDESTRIAN WOMAN 2: No wonder. You gotta be a man, Lazlow. LAZLOW: Yeah? Listen, are you and your husband up for maybe some webcam action? You know, you ca--you can pay to watch me dance online. I--I can do like the windmill nude. PEDESTRIAN WOMAN 2: Breakdancing? Are you kidding? Get away from me, please! LAZLOW: Fine! You know, you probably don't even have a blog. Maybe it's this moustache and my sexually-suggestive T-shirt that freaks people out. You know. I'm just trying to do a radio show. But--but actually, that's what's great about Liberty City, you know. You spend two hundred dollars on a vintage T-shirt, you wear five-hundred-dollar designer hip-hop pants and--and limited edition neon high tops that some teenager scribbled on with a marker and--and you're on the cusp of fashion, at least that's what everyone tells me. This moustache once got me laid. Yeah--yeah. She was a slow girl, kind of deaf in one ear, but man, you give her ten dollars, she was yours in an alley for ten minutes. Love to eat pennies that girl. Excuse me, sir, hey, I'm doing a radio show here. It's kinda like a--like a social networking site where--where nobody cares about you or your stupid profile. Le--lemme ask you, what's your favorite website? PEDESTRIAN MAN 5: I--I--I like, um, the top three or the top one. It depends on what--what--which one you wanna go by--by which chart. It's ah--I can't stop checking electrictit.com, I mean. There's this one thing where there's teenagers lipsynching-- LAZLOW: Oh, the viral videos, yeah. PEDESTRIAN MAN 5: Yeah. And th--th--there's a whole bunch of, ah, like teenagers and they're lipsynching a song in a bedroom and it's like a high school talent show, but I--I--I can't get arrested. Streaming audio. Streaming photos. LAZLOW: Is it that where there's like--like--there's a cup and there's two girls and-- PEDESTRIAN MAN 5: Yeah. But there's a backdoor you can take. It's-- LAZLOW: Listen. I don't need to hear about your backdoor. I'm trying to do a radio show. (alright, oh, so you're doing a radio show?) Yes. (is it streaming online?) Listen. (is it streaming online?) Listen. All I know is this Internet is seriously cutting into my radio career because I gotta tell you, the MP3, please. Nobody's gonna be talking about MP3s in a few years. (OK, I'm gonna th--I'm gonna show you--) Radio is coming back. (Radio is not coming back.) Because it's Lazlo-- Yes! (Radio is not com---) It's Lazlow 2.0. I'm out here on the street. Dude, this is some edgy sh*t! PEDESTRIAN MAN 5: No, it's not edgy sh*t. It's not edgy sh*t at all. LAZLOW: Dude, it's not. It's the radio. PEDESTRIAN MAN 5: I wanna download it. LAZLOW: It's the radio. PEDESTRIAN MAN 5: Streaming radio. LAZLOW: Listen, I--I wanna start my own clothing line. Can you help me with the website? PEDESTRIAN MAN 5: Virtual or real? LAZLOW: Yeah, uh--pft. Real! (OK) I want to sell like bowling shirts, karate uniforms, like trainer's cock socks. PEDESTRIAN MAN 5: How much memory do you have? How much memory? What're the gigs? LAZLOW: I don't know. I just want a website where you can buy Lazlow stuff. PEDESTRIAN MAN 5: How-much-memory? What are the gigs? LAZLOW: I don't know. Listen. I'll tell you what I need. I need stuff. A lot of my fans-- PEDESTRIAN MAN 5: Do you have an external hard drive? LAZLOW: A--No! A lot of my fans have huffed gasoline, they watch professional wrestling, you know. They wanted to be able to-(I did too)-to put on a Lazlow shirt and knock kids off a bicycles. And you know and--and that-- that was (that's how I'm living) rock n' roll, in Vice City in the 80s, I mean, that was rock n' roll. Then my career hit the skids and I'm--I'm stuck doing this, and talking to you with your horn-rimmed glasses and you've never (this is--) seen a vagina. What is-(I've seen many vaginas, OK?)-what is happened to me? Listen, let's go--I'm gonna go talk to this chick over here. Excuse me. (me too! lady--) Leave her alone! (lady!) Leave her alone! (hi, how are you? what's your URL?) Leave her alone. PEDESTRIAN MAN 5: How much memory do you have? Excuse me, ma'am. PEDESTRIAN GIRL 2: What do you want?! LAZLOW: I--I'm doing a radio show. PEDESTRIAN GIRL 2: Nobody listens to the radio anymore. Give me a break. We have the Internet. You ever heard of it? Now leave me alone. I'm trying to send a text message. LAZLOW: Imtry-to-seh-ah-tes-message. LOL. Listen, I'm doing Radio 2.0. You know, radio has been around for a long time. This is like real- time MP3. PEDESTRIAN GIRL 2: Whatever. If I can't send emoticons through it, I'm not interested. If you get really drunk and pretend that your face is a punctuation mark, you can really get to the bottom of life's gripping questions. LAZLOW: Ahhh--OK. PEDESTRIAN GIRL 2: Whatever, old man. LAZLOW: Old man! You bi--You'll never get to experience the 80s, except for one of those stupid clip shows on [Me-TV] where washed-up comedians make snarky comments. You know, I may be bitter and divorced but--but I plan on getting a sports car, you know, and figuring out how to play online games and--and banging chicks like you and then dropping you back off at school. You know what? Nobody likes your breasts. You know that? Huh? When I was massively famous in the 80s, you know, launching my radio career, there was this weird performance art about robots and--and a very bizarre man theorized that one day DJs would be replaced by robots and that a machine would pick the music and hold humans in slavery, walking around with their portable devil DJ machines. And here we are, in Liberty City, and the world is oblivious. They've got headphones on. But I'm here doing this, trying to get people to listen to the radio, to rise up, 'cause they're all controlled by robots. Speaking of robots, let's, uh, take a quick break. This is the Lazlow Show on Integrity. -------------------------------|COMMERCIAL BREAK|------------------------------ =============================================================================== PART III =============================================================================== ANNOUNCER: He's still a dork. And people keep giving him jobs. Maybe they feel sorry for him. It's that wise-cracking dufus, Lazlow! Only on Integrity. LAZLOW: Alright, you're listening to Lazlow 2.0, you know, it's called Integrity 'cause it's, you know, sort of about me, you know, ah, like--like how I'm gonna someday be a like a millionaire in blue jeans, you know, a guitar kind of slung over my back, singing--singing about the struggles of--of being a blue-collar guy, 'cause, you know, this show's about everybody, no--not just of people with money, you know. Li--like this guy. Here's--here's a working-class guy on the street--street food kind of vendor guy. Hey, how much is a hotdog cost, guy? HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: You [already] got a radio show? LAZLOW: Yeah, you're--you're on the radio. (ohhh) Tell us about how you live, uh, like piled eighteen high, uh, just to make it in Liberty City? HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: Oh, first let me say hi to everybody. Juanita, how are you? How you doing? My friend Paul. He lives uptown. Hi, hello. I'm doing good. Selling hotdogs. I want to say hi to my kids. I want to say hi to everybody. LAZLOW: Oh, my gosh. You people just breed like rabbits. Listen, just give me the hotdog. HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: I wanna say hi also to my friend Paulito. I wanna say hi to the guys over at the delicatessen. They're always so nice to me. LAZLOW: Why are you--listen, why are you people so friendly? HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: Who--who people? LAZLOW: You people. Where're you from? HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: I'm from Central America. ... Hello? LAZLOW: I'm sorry. I'm--I'm stupefied. I--I can't really understand what you're saying. C--Could you-- HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: You stupid? LAZLOW: No. You gotta work on the English, a little. HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: You stupid? Hey, you know what, man? YOU've got to work on the English. Heheh. We're a team, right? We're--we're a comedy team. LAZLOW: No. No. We're not a team. I am a radio genius and you are so--so-- I'm trying to expose the dailies. This is sort of like a radio documentary, like I'm exposing, you kn---you know, how--how sh*tty your life is and--and now your--your father looked down on you one day and (hey) whatever dusty sh*t old town you were in and said "son, someday you'll be huffing car fumes on a--on a sh*tty street corner selling food poisoning to--to celebrities like Lazlow". HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: Hey, guy. You--you think your--your father is proud of you? C'mon, man. LAZLOW: Well, I mean, my father was, you know, kind of strangely silent my whole childhood which kinda explains a lot but--listen, dude, I'm trying to bring the media back to the people on the street corner, you know, on the radio, because I thought to myself "Lazlow, get back to what you know, get back to entertaining people, you know, sleeping with groupies in--in broom cupboards and--and--and on yoga mats, you know--" HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: What is this? 1969? LAZLOW: No, I-- HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: I'm also listening, guy, that your name is Lazlow? LAZLOW: Yes. HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: You make fun of me and your name is Lazlow? That's a clown name. That's a stupid clown. Heheh. LAZLOW: Listen, I'm not a clown. Dude, I've been around. You--I--I--I (you haven't been around) used to do coke off a toilet seat, you know, I took payola, you know, I--I got paid to make nasty comments about people and e--e-- everybody said I was really funny and that I was a great guy, you know, and deep down don't you feel like you've a deep dark secret you can't admit and (yeah) the hell starts kinda rising up again inside and the--the lying and the deceit and, (yeah) you know, and you look at your best friend and even though he--he's a guy, you know, you jus--you just wonder "what if?" (yeah, OK) and-- and, you know, and I mean-- HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: But I don't go spilling it on the streets like this to a hotdog guy. Right? LAZLOW: I know there's this--quite a struggle, uh, being a hotdog vendor living eighteen people to one of those tiny rooms in-(no, mister, mister)- having to (hey, hey, hey) wire money back to sh*thole or wherever the fuc* you're from. (hey, guy) I understand. I'm from the Midwest. HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: Hey, listen guy. You don't know my story. Alright? LAZLOW: Yeah. HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: My--my mother raised me. And my grandmother raised me. LAZLOW: Right. HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: But we would wake up every day and we had no money. We had no water. LAZLOW: Uh huh. HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: You know--you know what we used for water? LAZLOW: Urine. I don't know. What? HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: Tears. LAZLOW: Tears! HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: OK? The tears of my family. That's what we had to drink 'cause we had no money. LAZLOW: So you would milk your grandmother, like she's some kind of tearcow. HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: You don't understand our culture, man. LAZLOW: No, I don't. (you don't unde--) I see it (you--you) on the television, you win all the fuc*ing sh*tty singer competitions on TV 'cause "oh, we've got passion" (no). Well, guess what I've got (you know what we have?). Huh? I've got a convertible. HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: Please, hippie. LAZLOW: Hippie?! HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: Yes. Hippie. LAZLOW: Dude, you're a real prick. What's your--ohh, you're on the street selling food poisoning. You-- HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: Listen, listen. These are good hotdogs, OK? LAZLOW: Shut up. HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: No, no. Listen. You shut up. LAZLOW: Dude, wh--why don't I shove your fuc*ing stupid face in the hotdog water, huh? How would you like that? I'll--I'll--let me give you a little bit of (ow) American history. (ow) OK?. To people like you. (ow) Let me grab the back of your fuc*ing head and shove your stupid face into the fuc*ing hotdog water. I am a fuc*ing celebrity on the edge and I-- HOTDOG VENDOR GUY: Please don't do that! LAZLOW: --I had it. Take it--how do you like America now, motherfuc*er! Yeah! That's right. God, I fuc*ing--I feel alive again, you know, like a--like a man when you just grab the back of the head of another man and you just shove it right where you fuc*ing--where you want it. G--go! Yeahhh! That'll teach 'im. I'm a man! RESIDENTIAL MAN: No, you're an a**hole! LAZLOW: Hey! Pipe down up there. Go back to beating up your fat wife. RESIDENTIAL MAN: You'd better shut up or I'll come down and beat the sh*t out of you. LAZLOW: Hey, you know what? I think I'ms gonna get a couple of blocks away from here. God. Why are the street vendors in this town such a**holes, man? Alright, this is, the Lazlow Show on Integrity. It's in association with ZIT. You know, my sponsor. You know, speaking of foreigners, if we're going to get to the underbelly of this city, you know, we should take a cab ride. Excuse me, taxi! Yeah, uh, take me to Frankfort and Jade near Star Junction, please. So, riding in a cab it's--it's a serious Liberty City experience, you know, because these people, ah, drive for like eighteen hours straight and pee in soda bottles, you know, then they talk to their friends on cellphones and Jack-fuc*-astan or wherever they're from and, ah, toss off, ah, but the immigrants, the--they--they bring the city alive, you know, them and the stock brokers. But you know, people say "Lazlow, are these p--" CAB DRIVER GUY: You are Lazlow?! You are kidding me. I remember you. You used to be on the radio! You were so funny. LAZLOW: Yeah, thanks--yeah, man. I was on Chatterbox a--and I'm coming back. I'm on the air now. CAB DRIVER GUY: You [were the funnyful one] but what happened to you? LAZLOW: Uh, what do you mean? CAB DRIVER GUY: You turned into an annoying creep. All you talk about is how many woman you sleep with. You don't look like you've had any women. LAZLOW: Please. OK? Th--this moustache, a lot of girls have ridden these handlebars, huh? You know. I mean, since my divorce. CAB DRIVER GUY: Nobody wants to hear about your problems. LAZLOW: Hey, dude, that's show business, OK? It's about reality these days, not entertainment. OK? 'Cause, I gotta tell you, once you've flown first class, you know, it sucks to take the bus again. Tha--that's why I got all these addictions. CAB DRIVER GUY: Bring back that vegetarian guy. That was funny. LAZLOW: Don--don't tell me how to do my show. Pewtoo! I spit in your cab. CAB DRIVER GUY: Get out of my cab! I don't want washed-up celebrities in my cab. LAZLOW: W--washed up? Dude, I'm doing a new show! See you in hell, buddy. CAB DRIVER GUY: See you later, Lazlow! LAZLOW: Alright, this is the Lazlow Show. The station is called Integrity. I--I should mention that we are--we are sponsored by ZIT. Ah, we are going to take a quick break. This is the Lazlow Show on Integrity. -------------------------------|COMMERCIAL BREAK|------------------------------ =============================================================================== PART IV =============================================================================== ANNOUNCER: What is integrity in broadcasting today? Cookie-cutter monotony, overseen by [hand ringing] lawyers, irrelevant executives, paranoid consultants and greedy fund managers and stock brokers. Now, radio finally has integrity. LAZLOW: Alright, Liberty City, you're in for a surprise. It's, ah, the Lazlow Show here on Integrity. I'm out on the streets. You got too comfortable, Liberty City, you know? Like you're in a dance club and you're having a bit of fun with one of the ladies, and you stick your hand down a stripper's panties, you know, and you discover a pair of balls. Well, guess what, baby? The bitch is back. But I'm not a bitch. I'm a man. Ahh--you--you know, walking the streets of Liberty City you always see a film crew doing some sh*tty TV show or movie, you know, screws up traffic. Like here. This film crew has blocked off this entire street in Liberty City. Now I know for my brief period as a fluffer that the best thing about these film shoots is the craft services table. Being famous means that you need a buffet that follows you wherever you go, you know, and you've a--a special portable toilet if you're--you're too fat to fit in a hotel bathroom. I mean, God! So, let's just walk over here to the craft services table. Oh, awesome! Snake a couple of sandw-- FILM CREW MAN: Hey! What are you doing?! LAZLOW: Hey. Slow down, Neanderthal. C--Can't you say I'm doing a--I'm doing a radio show here, huh? Live, you know? I'm here to interview the star of this--ahh--whatever you're shooting... FILM CREW MAN: It's a music video, dumb*ss. Ahh--that's the lead singer standing right next to you. SINGER: [?], this food is awesome. FILM CREW MAN: Aw, thanks, man-- SINGER: Hey, you're Lazlow, aren't you? I met you backstage at the Love Fist Show. LAZLOW: Oh, yeah, man, I was always backstage at the-- SINGER: You were snuggling that guy. Totally sucking face. LAZLOW: Wo--wo--wo--wo--wo. Hey. That wasn't a guy. Alright? Sh--she just looked like a guy. A--an--and besides, you know, in the 80s all the guys looked like chicks. SINGER: Young man, are you still incontinent? LAZLOW: Dude. Look. That was totally a misunderstanding, OK? I was really drunk. I--I don't think that was urine anyway, 'cause--'cause see, I--I had this move, you know, when I'm at dinner or at a party with a really hot chick, I--I pretend to spill something on my jeans, you know, and--and then I can rub one out right in front of her and she thinks I'm trying to get a stain out. It's awesome. Hey, what's your video about? SINGER: Oh, it's [?]. I'm finally going to sing something meaningful about rain. And how your soul gets wet too. [what?] a lot of smack. You know, a song that you can sing at your [birth], right before you go off [? embarrassed stupid]. LAZLOW: Sounds brilliant. Yeah--I don't think anybody has ever gone with the rain angle. Goo--good vibe for a video. You see, there are celebrities on the streets of Liberty City. You can bump into 'em anytime. These are the kind of encounters that--that Liberty City is all about, you know, where a man lies under a rain machine, you know, singing about a soggy soul and a bunch of unionized a**holes move around apple boxes. So, this is the Lazlow Show on Integrity. Ah--we're going to take a quick break. We'll be back right after this. -------------------------------|COMMERCIAL BREAK|------------------------------ =============================================================================== CREDITS =============================================================================== {roddyrod} Contribution: You in the ? Part II, Pedestrian Man 3. {deadiknight} Contribution: I met you backstage at the Show. Part IV, Singer. {Crawdad's Dad} Contributions: I--I mean, you kno--women are wearing curtains now that--that make them look pregnant. Part I, Lazlow. Only hundred dollars a quarter. Part II, Pedestrian Man 3. Is it that where there's like--like--there's a and there's two girls and-- Part II, Lazlow. {Xynn} Contributions: Go play some Sudoku and on yourself. Part I, Lazlow. If you get really drunk and pretend that your face is a punctuation mark, you can really get to the bottom of life's questions. Part II, Pedestrian Girl 2. [...] walking around with their portable DJ machines. Part II, Lazlow.