Nov 14, 2007
Plick, plock, plick, plock, plick, plock, "Tell grandma to bring the car around". Plick, plock, plick, plock, "Tell grandma to bring the car around". Plick, plock, plick, plock, plick, plock "Tell grandma to bring the car arou - mwaaaaaaaah!"
That last sound, in case you're wondering, is the noise of a normally happy-go-lucky gamer being pushed over the edge and having to commit a heinous act of physical violence upon a random hapless victim within reach. What preceded said sound was the source of his discomfort: Balls Of Fury.
Seeing as how this is a table tennis game based on a movie whose sole point of comic note is that Christopher Walken turns up in it pretending to be Chinese, we didn't have high hopes, but this? Playing Balls of Fury for the first time is a bit like the scenes in CSI when the crime team turn up to find eight corpses minced up in tiny pieces on the carpet and someone mutters under their breath "Good God, what happened here?"
What indeed. We're not acquainted with many of the actors starring in Balls of Fury but we're pretty sure it wasn't cast from the Troll Actors Guild. Look at their digitized avatars, however, and the absence of necks and the faces sinking into their heads can only suggest such a deal went down. It's like the guy who was given the job of crafting the characters had to do it from blurry photos and only using the World of Warcraft character creation system.
Then there's the repetitive sound bites (limited cheaply but mercifully to just one per character) - crackly non-funnies that never seem to stop. If there's anything more irritating than this humourless noise we'd like to see it. Wait! We have a winner. The ping-pong itself, that's more irritating. You don't move; you just swing at the right moment. And that's it.
Balls Of Fury is a "game" in as much as it comes in the right shaped box, bearing the product's name, containing a disc with code on it, an instruction manual and a price tag that roughly matches (unjustifiably so) the other prices in the shop. It's also a game in as much as Falling Down The Stairs is a game. And should you see it coming your way, just one thing should leave your lips: "Tell grandma to bring the car around."