The Guy Game (Xbox, 2004)
We had a totally kick-ass paragraph written for this, but in the end there's no way our words could so eloquently capture The Guy's Game's etheral beauty as this extract from its Wiki page: 'In the "TitWitz" portions of the game, the more times you are able to correctly predict the outcome, the higher the "Flash-O-Meter" raises, and more nudity is shown. At first, the breasts are obscured by a Guy Game logo (Soft and Squishy), then digitally blurred (Sorta Chubby), and finally uncensored (Super Stiff).' Quite.
Above: That's it faithful Piranha Plant, shield us from the filth
Playboy: The Mansion (PS2, 2005)
Is there anything Hugh Hefner can't apply a sexual slant to? Well, maybe a charity for orphaned duck-billed platypuses. Putting you in the fluffy slippers of Hef, this 'business simulator' lets you develop either casual, business or romantic relationships with characters, as you try to build up the grot-giving empire from scratch. While we're all for developing sound business practices in our PS2 games, we somehow can't focus on prudent investments and bi-quarterly fiscal reports when there are so many blurred 128-bit genitals being thrust around.
Above: Tom Nook owns that ass
7 Sins (PS2, 2005)
Adapted from visionary director David Fincher's gritty thriller S7ven, the almost definitely official game of the movie sees you track a demented killer as a rookie cop. Over the course of this moody adventure, you'll witness brutal killings based on the seven deadly sins, do a sick in your mouth when Kevin Spacey cuts off his fingertips and tell all your pals you totally knew it was Gwyneth Paltrow's head in that box. That, or it's a sleazy game about getting your rocks off and taking upskirt shots.
Above: The game so sexy, we had to shove in Tingle so the space-time continuum didn't explode
Dead or Alive: Paradise (PSP, 2010)
How often have you been sitting there looking at your PSP collect dust and thought: "Gee I wish I could play a game about attractive women who spend all their time buying skimpy underwear for other equally attractive women." Well, good news, my friend, because all your cripplingly sad fantasies have been answered with the latest iteration of a series that used to be about karate kicking dudes in the face. Hello spank bank? We have an incoming deposit... of shame.
Above: Awww, ain't it nice to see a video game bullet enjoying his work?
Enjoy Your Massage! (Wii, 2010)
First babies horribly spelt with a 'z' was a genre. Then it was fashion. And now 'giving happy ending massages to stressed 2D housewives' can proudly stand beside the first person shooter and adventure game. That's it Enjoy Your Massage!, earn that Nintendo Seal of Quality. Earn it hard. A bit harder... lower... yeah, a little lower... just a smidge lower...
Above: Birdo says no to side boobs
Can you think of any other games that got you all hot and bothered... then immediately filled you with shame? Give us a shout down below... woah, not that low!
June 4, 2010