An evening with Uwe Boll

35:29: Good guys and bad guys alike arrive at a small palace inhabited by Meat Loaf. Again, we couldn’t accurately tell you why. We find vampire Meat Loaf sprawled on a bed wearing a £2:99 Hallowe’en wig. He is surrounded by completely naked vampire ladies, who is transpires are actually played by local Romanian prostitutes. Boll hired them because they were cheaper than actresses, and presumably so that he could get ten exposed nipples and one full-frontal in the same scene. Meat Loaf does a very good impression of a man coming down off a three day acid bender.

A completely tension-free fight kicks off, during which Madsen nails an vamp with his arm-mounted crossbow, which appears just for the occasion before instantly vanishing again.

Everyone: Where the f*ck did that come from?!

Ben: It’s a crossbow. You can’t exactly hide something like that up your sleeve.

But that's exactly what Madsen does, before pulling it out again to smash a window and inflict sunlight flame-death on Meaty. We can’t work out whether Boll intended the weapon to be concealed, messed up the editing, or just plain old couldn’t care less. But what we do know is that we now all want arm-mounted crossbows.

1:09:40: After a few more shots of someone riding a horse and a really shaky camera pan up a mountain to a castle, Rayne arrives at Kagan’s place for the climax. She gets into the castle using the none-more-cunning plan of pretending to offer up the legendary vampire heart and hoping that no-one checks to see that it’s actually in the box she’s given them. Naturally, it works. Madsen and co. however, have a different infiltration method.

Madsen: Well Sebastian, I’m afraid there’s only one way in there.

Camera cuts immediately to a shot of a rat in the castle’s dungeon.

James: As rats!

Sadly their plan just involves blowing a door open with a couple of medieval grenades. It’s unclear as to why Madsen felt so ominously about this scheme.

1:15:23: But even better than the break-in plan is Madsen and Sebastian’s method for escaping after being predictably thrown in the dungeon.

Madsen (in ‘empty’ cell’): Thrall, my companion has gone! I don’t know what’s become of him.

In a move both impossibly moronic yet agonisingly inevitable, the guard goes into the cell in an effort to work out how Sebastian has managed to vanish into thin air in front of his companion's face. Sebastian swoops down from the ceiling and kicks him in the head. Our reaction is a mixture of cheering, laughter and despairing tears.

1:16:15: Rayne is tied up, ready to have the mythical vamp’s eye cut out of her head by Kagan (don’t ask). He already has the rib, but how or why is never explained. Madsen and Sebastian loft swords and make a rescue attempt. The orchestra swells.

Ben: Ooh, dramatic! Actually, not it’s not. It’s just shit.

The ensuing fight is indeed crap, but is occasionally lifted by excessive dismemberment and the use of Madsen’s magic crossbow. Rayne is eventually freed, and having finally bothered to check the box, Kagan realises that she still has the heart. They fight, they exchange quips, and Kingsley phones it in from the moon. Without a phone.

Eventually everyone apart from Rayne is dead. She has won. She has the rib, and thus freedom is in her grasp. She can grab the last relic and make sure that it never falls into evil hands again.

Everyone: Get the rib! Get the f*cking rib!

But instead she sits down and looks a bit mopey, seemingly having forgotten the entire plot of the movie. The last shot is lifted straight from the end of Conan The Barbarian. The credits roll.

Ben: He got the ending to his own film wrong.

Justin: Let it be recorded that Justin was entertained.

David: I was both entertained and amused.


  • Chiropteran - October 15, 2008 3:02 p.m.

    I hesitate to make a comparison with Ed Wood. I mean, Ed sincerely believed he was good. Hmmm. Does Uwe believe the same thing, even though he hates videogames?
  • hooterscpufantasm - July 20, 2009 8:58 p.m.

    @Kaeda I played the fourth one and it sucked majorly. actually, I think that one was called Alone in the Dark, but it was just a crappy attempt to revamp the original series which was actually enjoyable if old. So yes, the *new* Alone in the Dark was a horrible game. But not the actual old but fun original game. Yeah.
  • midgiemelendez - April 6, 2009 1:53 a.m.

    fourth, yayyyyyy!!!!! woopdedooo!!!!! kind of a month late huh
  • kibblesnbits1053 - February 11, 2009 5:38 a.m.

    Does anyone else realize that the fish picture from Alone in the Dark looks ALOT like 3:09 here - ?
  • secondshooter - January 27, 2009 8:55 p.m.

    Oh, Chiropteran, Dr. Boll think he's the greatest director to ever grace the Earth. He thinks that he is the only real genius and everyone in Hollywood are "retards."
  • edwharton - August 7, 2009 8:19 p.m.

    I did see Alone in the dark for two reasons Slater and Dorff, two completely competant actors, who we make famous for pretending to be make-believe people and it was a standard tinsel-town popcorn movie, a mindless diversion and nothing more. You are right GR, for the most part some gamers are elitest bastards and should lighten up.
  • Kaeda - May 3, 2009 10:42 p.m.

    In all fairness, Alone in the Dark was a bad *game*.
  • Darkwun - May 1, 2009 11:43 a.m.

    this is my all time fave GR feature! though no mention of kristanna gettin her tits out? the filsm only redeeming feature!

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