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An evening with Uwe Boll

9:30: A couple of vacant, generic teens make their way to the shore of a lake.

David: They’re going to shag. They’re going to shag and they’re going to die.

The girl peels off her top.

Guy: You’re nuts.

David: No, they’re her tits. Boom boom!

A few minutes later the girl has lost her boyfriend and is looking around for him in a creepy old house (of the dead!). We’re not going to explain why, as it’s already becoming apparent that nothing in this film really happens for any discernable reason.

Girl (walking around alone): Is that you Matt?

Justin: Is that you Matt? Making those scary zombie noises in the dark, just like you always do?
 
He gets a really nice zombie-hand-through-the-chest death, but she just gets mobbed and the camera cuts away. As the zombies attack the rave we notice that deaths where no-one actually dies are becoming a recurring theme, presumably to save the gore budget for later.

25:50: Having arrived at the island and insightfully taken the zombie-led desecration of the site as a cue to drink all the beer that’s been left behind by the dead ravers, the cast have split up. A generic blonde girl sits in a tent, waiting for her meathead boyfriend to get back from peeing. Silouettes of zombies appear all over the tent. She screams and the camera cuts away. The zombies never make it through the canvas.

 

David: Tents! Our one true weakness!

Ben: Zombies and tents. It’s like Daleks and stairs.

From this point on, the movie becomes a blur of people walking around looking vacantly at things, people getting killed by zombies, and zombies getting shot up - gore now thankfully abundant - during which James counts the same shot of a zombie running through the trees being re-used about four times.

29:30: A notable scene in which Jurgen Prochnow fights off a very slow zombie seige of his boat by very slowly turning around and shooting each one in turn. Very slowly. Each time the camera cuts to a new angle, the weather changes from fine to raining or vice versa. Boll and continuity have never met, and they would not like each other if they did.

48:50: Everything crescendos with the single most spectacularly, gloriously inept action scene we have ever witnessed. Now armed to the teeth and apparently trained in military level gunplay and Bruce Lee standard combat, our ‘heroes’ pick off several hundred zombies in a whirlwind of stitled choreography and seemingly drunken editing. Characters constantly change weapons between camera cuts and zombies appear and disappear at random. If Boll and continuity ever met, they’d absolutely bloody hate each other.

Uncle Uwe also tries out a little bullet-time, but in his hands the technique translates into stopping the action, spinning the camera around a character aiming a gun, and restarting the action again. This same shot is repeated for almost every single member of the cast. Our minds are now close to capsizing, but we can’t stop laughing.          

In a downward spiral of idiotic plot and gore, the film stumbles to its conclusion and we all go back to cheering every time we see Max Wanko’s name on the screen during the credits.

David: That was the greatest film I’ve ever seen in my life.

Justin: It was like watching a friend’s student film. You know they had no recources and you know they’re completely rubbish at film-making, but you just can’t help liking it.

8 comments

  • Chiropteran - October 15, 2008 3:02 p.m.

    I hesitate to make a comparison with Ed Wood. I mean, Ed sincerely believed he was good. Hmmm. Does Uwe believe the same thing, even though he hates videogames?
  • hooterscpufantasm - July 20, 2009 8:58 p.m.

    @Kaeda I played the fourth one and it sucked majorly. actually, I think that one was called Alone in the Dark, but it was just a crappy attempt to revamp the original series which was actually enjoyable if old. So yes, the *new* Alone in the Dark was a horrible game. But not the actual old but fun original game. Yeah.
  • midgiemelendez - April 6, 2009 1:53 a.m.

    fourth, yayyyyyy!!!!! woopdedooo!!!!! kind of a month late huh
  • kibblesnbits1053 - February 11, 2009 5:38 a.m.

    Does anyone else realize that the fish picture from Alone in the Dark looks ALOT like 3:09 here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmG4kYsrq0s ?
  • secondshooter - January 27, 2009 8:55 p.m.

    Oh, Chiropteran, Dr. Boll think he's the greatest director to ever grace the Earth. He thinks that he is the only real genius and everyone in Hollywood are "retards."
  • edwharton - August 7, 2009 8:19 p.m.

    I did see Alone in the dark for two reasons Slater and Dorff, two completely competant actors, who we make famous for pretending to be make-believe people and it was a standard tinsel-town popcorn movie, a mindless diversion and nothing more. You are right GR, for the most part some gamers are elitest bastards and should lighten up.
  • Kaeda - May 3, 2009 10:42 p.m.

    In all fairness, Alone in the Dark was a bad *game*.
  • Darkwun - May 1, 2009 11:43 a.m.

    this is my all time fave GR feature! though no mention of kristanna gettin her tits out? the filsm only redeeming feature!

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