Features

We hate war. All this bickering about exclusives and online support and which console has a more phallic controller, well, it makes us sick. There’s already more than enough war in the world, and definitely not enough love, sweet love.

In the spirit of peacemaking, we’ve envisioned a game industry filled with love, and we’re sharing it with you in the only way we know how - with tasteless illustrations by resident art

The bright colors and delirious sounds of cutesy games often gloss over ultraviolent gameplay. The sadistic deaths visited upon characters in these kiddie games are always hidden behind candy and rainbows. But violence without gore is like a cheeseburger without cheese. Sanitizing violence to make it “kid-friendly” hurts society more than it helps, and teaches unrealistic life lessons. We want to set things right, so we’ve

Black Friday is probably the best holiday of the year. If you’re like us, you’re scoping out sweet deals for yourselves (or if you’re a good person, for your brethren). It’s almost a point of pride waiting in line at 4am just so you can snatch up cheap DVDs, games and other assorted electronics from your favorite retailer (extra points for wrestling something away from an older person).

We love videogames.

That said, there will be no further mention of why gaming doesn't suck this week. Instead of our usual chipper attitudes, we'll be taking a focused look at the shallow, lazy and dull parts of gaming we can't stand, like these videos from last year's Week of Hate. Get ready for a week of furious, loud and loathsome articles, culminating on Friday in absolutely nothing but more of this:

Is there anything better than a bag of popcorn, a cushy sofa on which to recline and an iPhone or iPod Touch loaded with games? Well yeah, there is, especially considering what popcorn fingers can do to a touchscreen. But when you’re on a bus on your way to work, being able to punch up a bloody gorefest like Alive 4-ever or kick it through the uprights in a football sim does help while away the commute time.

If you’re reading this, you’re just a click away from ‘Procrastination Land.’ It’s a glorious place where you don’t have to worry about answering emails and nothing gets done, a paradise where browser games about sharks biting helicopters and naked men riding tiny bicycles in the snow are the norm.