9 games that had sex needlessly shoehorned into them

Red Dead Redemption

<Sniff> Red Dead is so noble it’s gonna have us blubbing like bandits who’ve just been locked up in a county jail for 20 years. Where GTA IV lets you hire hookers, have your wicked way with them, then have an even wickeder way with them when you beat in their skulls with a baseball bat, Redemption is different. John Marston has no problem shooting precisely 14,000 men throughout the course of his Western adventure. But at least he’s a faithful outlaw, and he’ll always honour his wife by refusing the service of prostitutes. Yep, Red Dead is squeaky clean on the old unnecessary sex frontier…

Oh yeah, that’s right. It’s got one of the most cringe-worthy and graphic hump-athons we’ve seen in a game for ages. Our total bad. Must have slipped our minds. Alright, so Abraham Reyes’ kitchen sexual siesta is about as pleasant as having salsa poured into your peepers, but you can’t argue its of vital importance to the stor… Ok, so it’s been completely crowbarred in for no apparent reason. You tell us you weren’t gagging to see a fat Mexican maid been given what for, though.

Above: Murdering majestic bald eagles is one thing. But watching two people engage in the act of love making? Now that really is too much

Outlaw Golf 2

Good old golf. Is there anything more dignified that sinking a 50 foot eagle putt as you strike a dignified, hunched pose in a burgundy V-neck? While we consider ourselves knowledgeable enough about golf to know our pars from our bogies, we must have missed the bit where the rules say it’s fine to be caddied by a 20 stone gimp.

Apparently, having greens filled with tanks and one that’s shaped like the shitting Death Star trench ain’t enough to keep gaming golf enthusiasts entertained. No, they seemingly need to see a dominatrix indulge in a bit of S&M with a leather-clad freak every time she holes a put.

Now we know one of the below is about golf…

We’re just not sure which.

Indigo Prophecy/Fahrenheit

And they say romance is dead. Or, in this case, necrophilia. How can we write about games that needlessly shunted in a bit of monkey lovin’ without paying respect to the Holy Grail of forced virtual sex shenanigans? In case you missed it first time round, the spiritual predecessor to Heavy Rain has a scene where the two main characters do it on a freezing train.

Oh, and the dude is technically a zombie.

Above: Eh, not to kill the mood or anything. But you know he’s a little challenged in the living department, right?

Still, at least David Cage learned his lesson about shoving in totally pointless, awkward sex scenes when it came time to make Heavy Rain…

Yeah, we’ll just be shut up now.

Aug 10, 2010

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  • SenatorPepper - August 12, 2010 4:30 a.m.

    That last pic really made me wish I hadn't just eaten at Denny's.
  • FauxFurry - August 12, 2010 12:52 a.m.

    A few other article suggestions: Games that shoehorn in Fight Scenes/Violence when it doesn't fit into the plot. That would be a mighty long list(largely populated by JRPGs). Games with Gratuitous Gluttony. Is any game enriched by scenes of characters eating, especially to excess,outside of pandering to the 'generously proportioned gamers' out there? They're just trying to cash in on the food fetishists not left satisfied by the Food Network and Hollywood movies with erotic eating!
  • FauxFurry - August 12, 2010 12:42 a.m.

    The God of War series' quicktime sex events (that doesn't even read out right. He has tons of stamina for ripping innocent bystanders in half but only 30 seconds to spare for the sex dolls/wenches? It looks like Kratos is over-compensating for something.)didn't have to be tacked-on had the game been open-world game or an rpg. It would have fit the setting as much as the pre-Abarahamic Religion general lack of body shame in the game.(At least the characters don't have some goofy Oedipus Complex-fueled breast fetish in addition to rage issues.) Plan a scene around a fertility festival or showing Kratos make Daddy's Little Replacement Relative and there they go. It's a hack-and-slash,though. Those are all about shrinking the population,not replenishing it. I second/third/fourth the notion that GamesRadar do a feature about games in which sex adds to the game such as the Sims series or Spore(what passes for sex in a game about Evolution which is E-rated for some reason despite the fact that evolution is as much driven by sexual selection as it is by environmental pressures and competition between species)or, of course, Leissure Suit Larry(or Rapelay?).
  • Samael - August 11, 2010 10:03 p.m.

    @ViewtifulBrandon A good guy? He was NEVER a good guy! He was almost more of a bastard than Allende and once he got power he became just as bad if not worse! There's a newspaper article that appears after Reyes gains power that shows he became a tyrant as well. I so desperately wanted to beat the shit outta him at least once...
  • ViewtifulBrandon - August 11, 2010 6:25 p.m.

    Reyes could have done so much better :/ That was disgusting, but it did show that even though he was a good guy he was still a liar and a prick when it came to women
  • Modroneman - August 11, 2010 2:19 p.m.

    Shoehorned shmoohorned.. I like sex!
  • philipshaw - August 11, 2010 10:32 a.m.

    It's like David Cage doesn't know what sex is lol
  • HawtKakez - August 11, 2010 9:20 a.m.

    I hope there is a follow up article with games that needed sex shoehorned in.
  • MaynardJ - August 11, 2010 7:23 a.m.

    @Ihopethisisnotantistasblood: I'm presently playing Killer 7, and was also going to mention that one scene. Not quite functional, though it could be there to give old Harlan some more personality as a total badass:-)
  • DrillurSimpson - August 11, 2010 4:52 a.m.

    Uh, I'm going into game design, and the first game I make will be about boobs. I don't care if it's childish. Tits are never bad.
  • AuthorityFigure - August 11, 2010 2:21 a.m.

    Conclusion: Custer's Revenge had it's legitimate sexual content.
  • TheWebSwinger - August 11, 2010 1:34 a.m.

    Dark Watch. @Crazytar: yr doin it rong.
  • alexcook - August 11, 2010 midnight

    I've played most of those games. The article is pretty spot on to me, but I agree with a lot of the posters about ME2. It's optional, and it's implemented well. Baldur's Gate 2 still had the best romances in a game IMHO, and it didn't need a scene though. JPorFavor, I know exactly what you mean about Fate Stay/Night. I own the anime series and played the game for the other versions of the story. The mature scenes were disgusting as you said, but that's sort of the company's MO. It's a shame that they generally are great stories with that added in to it just like Tsukihime (spelling?).
  • Samael - August 10, 2010 11:20 p.m.

    Damn...and just when I thought I was beginning to like...well maybe tolerate Meikleham's articles...he has to bring up how "horrible" the Garrus/alien romances in ME2 are, with all the finesse of a little girl at a playground screaming "EWW!" at an earthworm the class clown threw on her. I mostly agree with the other examples on this list, but Bioware is one of the very few game companies out there that can make romance and sex in a video game work and, IMHO and THOUSANDS of others, not feel weird or tacked-on. The Garrus romance was no exception. Maybe, just MAYBE, we're not just romancing him for his appearance? Maybe we like his intriguing backstory, well-written dialogue and Brandon Keener's voice-work as well? Just a thought.
  • AnonymouZ - August 10, 2010 10:26 p.m.

    oh em gee GR. since when is sex NEEDLESS?
  • theschwartzb - August 10, 2010 9:06 p.m.

    Yes, I would also like to know the answer to KNITEpanda's question.
  • oufour - August 10, 2010 8:16 p.m.

    i don't know about mass effect, i think they implemented it nicely into the game. but that red dead thing is FUCKED UP man.
  • SweatyCrease - August 10, 2010 8:12 p.m.

    At least Abraham Reyes didn't make Marston wait for the vinegar stroke, that would have been a little bit awkward.........
  • Doctalen - August 10, 2010 6:57 p.m.

    The RDR was really revolting. I freaked out when I saw that lady's breasts. Really out of everything why was that included.
  • crazytar - August 10, 2010 6:25 p.m.

    i've only played ME2 and RDR so i didn't have known about these other sexy games. thanks Gamesradar!