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8 most annoying things NPC teammates do

5. They’re not doctors.

It must be some kind of flaw in all programming languages that causes every character to heal using the most powerful healing they have. Other times, they choose not to heal at all:



Be very careful what you hand anyone without a meat brain. Any NPC character is likely to whip out his Eternal Salve of Fixing Everything when a band-aid would do nicely or you’re about to rest.


Above: Not an NPC

6. You have to work together.

Since the code of the samurai prevents us from relying on anyone other than ourselves, we weren’t sure about this one, so we checked it out:



Turns out, you do need to work together. Some might wonder why game designers didn’t realize that having to work together is going to be a hindrance to the player, but we think the developers knew it was going to be a problem from the beginning. How else can you account for the very next non sequitur from your partner, Sheva?



This little bit of dialogue comes close to the beginning of the game. Remember it well because the next 15 hours of your life are going to be filled with doors that are too strong for Chris to kick in, but not strong enough to withstand Chris and Sheva, who can hold her own despite her smaller size.




Above: Why didn’t they try the doorknob? 

7. They lack natural language processing skills

Even when we speak rrrrrreeeeeaaaaalllllllyyyyyy sllllllloooooooooooowwwllllly, they don’t seem to understand what we’re talking about. Sometimes we feel like they don’t even really care about what we have to say.



Fable II included a helpful feature that allows you to skip any conversation by holding down the A button. If you don’t skip it, these four heroes will keep talking until your Xbox melts a hole through your coffee table.



The funny thing is that it’s always a conversation, even when it’s just someone lecturing you with an oddly self-satisfying monologue. Of course, this is all the time since your character never says anything in Fable II.

 



8. We hate meeting new people.


Let’s face it, if most NPCs had what it takes, they’d have grown souls and become real people. Let’s see what our abruptly appearing new friend Jenkins from Mass Effect has to say:







Thanks for that helpful info, Jenkins! At least someone gave him a outstandingly ordinary name for us to remember him by.

Being a newly introduced character in a game without a last name, quirky personality trait or more than one remark to make about the away mission you’ve been sent on, is very bad news for an NPC. We didn’t have the heart to tell the guy, but Jenkins was about one flying laserbot away from the desktop trash can in the sky.




Above: Even the other NPCs knew his fate was sealed 

Aug 5, 2009



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73 comments

  • FanofSaiyan - December 12, 2009 9:46 p.m.

    Have to admit, this really defines all the problems NPC's cause in games.
  • eee - December 11, 2009 6:08 p.m.

    I agree in Left for dead I wish they had enough brains to run when the entire team besides them are getting gang raped
  • adadadad - August 11, 2009 7 p.m.

    MAY WAS FIRST BUT THENN REFRES TIMED OUT. MADE MAY /CRY. SAD DAYZ. SAD DAYZ.
  • dante1924 - August 11, 2009 2:55 p.m.

    @Sausage Lozenge: You're just pissed that I insulted your favorite president, an incompetent fool who caused the economy crash by pooling all of the nation's money into a war so pointless, it makes adadadad's comment seem like the best comment ever (no offense to you adadadad, but you are NOT first).
  • Chronas - August 11, 2009 8:02 a.m.

    ack, i hate having to keep people supposedly as good as you alive, even though they shouldn't need babysitting. for the record: i hate escort missions. reCAPTCHA: term damsel
  • adadadad - August 10, 2009 11:30 p.m.

    FIRST! GOOD ARTICEL. MAY THINK PS-CRAP NPCS ARE DUMMBER THAN XBOX 360, COS ITS NO AS POWERFUL AS XBOX
  • dweller - August 10, 2009 7:55 p.m.

    Poor Jenkins. reCaptcha: 52 gelatin
  • Sidnapolis - August 9, 2009 8:34 p.m.

    @lovinmyps3: You sound like a commie. @relic: You're exactly right. And here's an example of what that AI code would kinda look like: if (ally->size size || ally->ai ai) ally->action="Run"; else ally->action="Attack";
  • Makk_Mizzy - August 9, 2009 9:02 a.m.

    LOL! DANG! WHY MY BOY OBAMA GOTTA GET PLAYED LIKE THAT, HIS FACE ALL OVER THIS ARTICLE AS IF ITS GONNA WOOO THE VOTES OF THE REPUBLIC COMMUNITY THRU THE MEDIA AND GAMEWORLD! THAT'S JUST TRIFELING AND WRONG! IMMA DEMOCRATE BY THE WAY, LOL!
  • oryandymackie - August 8, 2009 11:21 a.m.

    Has anyone tried to take Jericho through Evergreen Mills? I eventually gave up and just told Jericho to stay where he was. And I NEVER came back for him. To my knowledge, he's still there.
  • deadslayer97 - August 8, 2009 4:02 a.m.

    i forgot to put i was talkin' about re5.
  • adadadad - August 8, 2009 12:50 a.m.

    for fucks sake, yes this is funny but grow a pair and swear more gr http://www.gamesradar.com/f/games-vs-girls-which-is-best/a-2008073011325861001/p-3 shame on you
  • relics - August 6, 2009 8:18 p.m.

    Spoken like a true, naive child....well done. PS. I'm not defending Hitler, I am saying he had his henchmen do the dirty work, just like obama is now.
  • TheWebSwinger - August 6, 2009 8:12 p.m.

    @Relics: You dumb son of a bitch, that has to be the most ignorant statement I've ever seen. First of all...regardless of whether or not he did it with his own hand, Hitler DID murder millions. Why would you defend that. Second of all, how in the WORLD do the elderly (who are, let's face it, ABOUT TO DIE) deserve health care more than immigrants? They're people just like you or I. Well probably more like I...to say they're like you is an insult to their intelligence.
  • relics - August 6, 2009 7:44 p.m.

    @lovinmyps3 - Actually, Hitler didn't slaughter millions.....he had people do it for him. Fast forward to 2009, Obama's new healthcare plan will ration or eradicate health care to the country's elderly, the people who need it most....meanwhile the same plan will be giving free health insurance to the nation’s estimated 12 million illegal aliens. Gee, what a swell guy he is. Maybe you need an education.
  • lovinmyps3 - August 6, 2009 7 p.m.

    Haha, so true.
  • Glides - August 6, 2009 1 p.m.

    That woman on the top of the first page looks like Michael Jackson. And also everything you've said here is completely correct. NPCs can't drive worth a damn. 44th I guess
  • CreeplyTuna - August 6, 2009 3:17 a.m.

    they should have included how in almost every game(with the exception on about...2), you have to heal all of your downed teammates, but they never heal you back.
  • JizzyB - August 6, 2009 3:08 a.m.

    Funny article, too true. I liked Fawkes' gung-ho attitude though, especially when he killed all nearby civilians as well as enemies.
  • devildog18 - August 6, 2009 3:05 a.m.

    i hate that my NPC teamates always die, but i still feel guilty that i can't save them

Showing 1-20 of 73 comments

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