5. They’re not doctors.
It must be some kind of flaw in all programming languages that causes every character to heal using the most powerful healing they have. Other times, they choose not to heal at all:
Be very careful what you hand anyone without a meat brain. Any NPC character is likely to whip out his Eternal Salve of Fixing Everything when a band-aid would do nicely or you’re about to rest.
Above: Not an NPC
6. You have to work together.
Since the code of the samurai prevents us from relying on anyone other than ourselves, we weren’t sure about this one, so we checked it out:
Turns out, you do need to work together. Some might wonder why game designers didn’t realize that having to work together is going to be a hindrance to the player, but we think the developers knew it was going to be a problem from the beginning. How else can you account for the very next non sequitur from your partner, Sheva?
This little bit of dialogue comes close to the beginning of the game. Remember it well because the next 15 hours of your life are going to be filled with doors that are too strong for Chris to kick in, but not strong enough to withstand Chris and Sheva, who can hold her own despite her smaller size.
Above: Why didn’t they try the doorknob?
7. They lack natural language processing skills
Even when we speak rrrrrreeeeeaaaaalllllllyyyyyy sllllllloooooooooooowwwllllly, they don’t seem to understand what we’re talking about. Sometimes we feel like they don’t even really care about what we have to say.
Fable II included a helpful feature that allows you to skip any conversation by holding down the A button. If you don’t skip it, these four heroes will keep talking until your Xbox melts a hole through your coffee table.
The funny thing is that it’s always a conversation, even when it’s just someone lecturing you with an oddly self-satisfying monologue. Of course, this is all the time since your character never says anything in Fable II.
8. We hate meeting new people.
Let’s face it, if most NPCs had what it takes, they’d have grown souls and become real people. Let’s see what our abruptly appearing new friend Jenkins from Mass Effect has to say:
Thanks for that helpful info, Jenkins! At least someone gave him a outstandingly ordinary name for us to remember him by.
Being a newly introduced character in a game without a last name, quirky personality trait or more than one remark to make about the away mission you’ve been sent on, is very bad news for an NPC. We didn’t have the heart to tell the guy, but Jenkins was about one flying laserbot away from the desktop trash can in the sky.
Above: Even the other NPCs knew his fate was sealed
Aug 5, 2009
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