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8 games with disastrously botched rescue missions

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Operation ‘Save your family so you can
watch them get killed ten minutes later’

Failing to rescue anyone in: Manhunt

The mission

During his execution escapades, former death row inmate Cash, who’s being forced to kill people for a snuff movie, has to endure the most unwholesome zoo trip we can imagine. His family have been kidnapped and imprisoned in animal enclosures, and Cash is forced to silently slaughter an entire gang undetected to save them.

Where it goes wrong

Trusting that snuff film director Starkweather (who’s holding Cash’s family hostage) would leave his relatives alone after he’d freed them isn’t the best judgement call. Soon enough, the perverted purveyor of films (who probably robs pensioners in his spare time), kidnaps Cash’s family again. He then machetes them up real good and makes our antihero watch it on VCR. What a gent.

How the day could have been saved

Well, if Cash hadn’t lived his entire life as a murderous scumbag, he’d never have ended up on death row. In turn, he wouldn’t have been manipulated into the whole interactive snuff movie thing. We blame his upbringing. Stricter parents, who never let him play video games, would’ve stopped his life going down the toilet.


Above: If only James Earl had spent more time helping the elderly, maybe then he wouldn't have turned into a man-strangling sociopath


Operation ‘Unwittingly infect
your hostages with a killer virus'

Failing to rescue anyone in: Metal Gear Solid

The mission

Save Kenneth Baker, president of ArmsTech and Donald Anderson, the DARPA Chief. This is the mission Solid Snake, our surprisingly talkative killer, must complete as he infiltrates an Alaskan base full of evil terrorist no-gooders.

Where it goes wrong

Oh Snake, if only one of the million questions you ask your superiors during MGS had been ‘Did you inject me with a contagious pathogen that’s going to off the very people I’ve been sent to save?’


Above: A close-up view of Snake's FoxDie-infested bandanna. Ewwww.

Had he, then maybe he wouldn’t have accidentally bunked off old Ken and Donald (OK, technically the latter was baddie Decoy Octopus) with the FoxDie virus. We might also have been spared 6 hours worth of codec conversations.

How the day could have been saved

If Snake had been a massive baby and refused any injections during his mission briefing. Sure, among the myriad of shit pumped into his body he was given a variety of drugs that stopped him freezing in the Alaskan wilderness. But there’s nothing exposure to sub-zero temperatures can do that can’t be fixed by carrying a trusty pack of smokes.


Above: The definition of a man's, man's, man's, man's man.

July 30, 2009



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54 comments

  • Conman93 - August 3, 2009 12:13 p.m.

    I knew straight away resi would be in this
  • SaulFidgeonGuy - August 2, 2009 12:09 p.m.

    what about FF VII Crisis Core? at the start, you go on a mission to find Genesis and some other Soldiers instead, Genesis turns out to have gone evil, your friend Sephiroth runs off to join him(and we all know how that works out), and Angeal is thinking of doing the same
  • Ricky1794 - August 2, 2009 10:29 a.m.

    HAHAHAHAHA I like the Far cry 2 one i remember that the first time around i helped my merc buddies and i hid behind the bar counter for like ten minutes and then died when i coughed and actually pressed the B button, stood up and got shot.....and died soon after.........Anywhere 100KM in that general direction,I wanted to tell the mercs the same thing
  • yoreAtowel - July 31, 2009 5:23 p.m.

    "Don’t be fooled kids, old Albert is worse than Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin combined." ! -------------> O_o
  • jar-head - July 31, 2009 5:06 p.m.

    lmfao STARS
  • Red - July 31, 2009 4:50 p.m.

    I think it was my sixth play through before I finally figured out it was actually Snake killing the Darpa Chief and the Arms Tech President. I was like ten at the time, and even today that game is still confusing as shit to me.
  • MarchIntoTheSea - July 31, 2009 4:46 a.m.

    @ Boxmeitzer there is a warning in the beggining
  • Billiam101 - July 30, 2009 11:16 p.m.

    what the f*** gr Einstein is my hero and for one after he made the bomb he said "what have i done i have destroyed the human race" (he was sorry)
  • dweller - July 30, 2009 10:58 p.m.

    I had forgotten the end to Earthworm Jim. Thanks!
  • FETALJUICE - July 30, 2009 8:26 p.m.

    Earthworm Jim's ending made me laugh
  • sixboxes - July 30, 2009 7:48 p.m.

    "500 pounds of unprocessed beef". my new favourite way to say cow.
  • Cyberninja - July 30, 2009 7:40 p.m.

    ok thanks for telling me what to if i am ever am in a game
  • crumbdunky - July 30, 2009 7:09 p.m.

    The Far Cry 2 one was so obviously going to go tits up that I actually chose to let them die anyway-which is rare for me(saving the kids that is). Dino Crisis is the one that I have stuck most in my mind. After that any game where you look for key cards AT ALL is auto failed in my book. Having said that if Capcom want to get round me(after RUINING RE5 so badly)a new Dino Crisis would be a great place to start.
  • JosefRaikov - July 30, 2009 4:56 p.m.

    @ nadrewod999: Actually the SAS (Special Air Service) existed before the marines so it would actually be that the Marines are the American "form" of the SAS. "He Who Dares, Wins."
  • silvereye - July 30, 2009 4:31 p.m.

    What about half life? You try and save the facility but in the end it gets nuked. Gordon never saves anyone, all the charachters who DID survive had to do it there own way, with very little help from Gprdon atall!!!!
  • Terro - July 30, 2009 3:27 p.m.

    I tried to save the African Villagers, but then I got all confused and wondered off, forgetting all about them. Captcha: Summon Indian XD
  • Wizrai - July 30, 2009 3:23 p.m.

    Eww at FOXDIE bandana.
  • Corsair89 - July 30, 2009 2:43 p.m.

    I hate rescue missions because you usually have to escort them out of whatever they needed rescue from.
  • norid - July 30, 2009 2:36 p.m.

    i figuerded Snake would be on here
  • DarkMatter032 - July 30, 2009 2:27 p.m.

    EarthWorm Jim!!! FTW!!! Reminds me of the stage "For Pete's Sake", where you try to save the poor mutt's ass...

Showing 1-20 of 54 comments

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