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8 games with disastrously botched rescue missions

Operation ‘Let everyone get
ripped to ribbons by Raptors'

Failing to rescue anyone in: Dino Crisis 2

The mission

An entire city is transported back in time to the Cretaceous period while fiddling about with some sort of scientific energy voodoo. Our heroes Regina and Dylan do a DeLorean and travel back to rescue the researchers of the city, before they become too familiar with the period’s overly familiar lizards.

Where it goes wrong

The game’s leads spending most of their time solving absurd door puzzles in abandoned research facilities, instead of, y’know, protecting people from dinosaurs. It’s no surprise then, when they actually get to Edward City, the entire place and all its inhabitants have already been served up as part of a grizzly Prehistoric buffet.

How the day could have been saved

Note to self: ‘Must not spend hours looking for keycards when there are people trying to avoid becoming dino lunch.’ If Dylan and Regina had just listened to this advice, then perhaps they could have arrived in Edward City before the entire town relocated to loads of Raptors’ stomachs.


Operation ‘Inadvertently
crush the girl with a cow'

Failing to rescue anyone in: Earthworm Jim

The mission

Our mud-munching pal overhears a despicable plot by Queen Pulsating, Bloated, Festering, Sweaty, Pus-filled, Malformed, Slug-for-a-Butt where she alludes to kidnapping her sister Princess What’s-Her-Name. Jim then travels to a series of planets, which all handily take the form of infuriatingly hard 16-bit platform levels, to rescue the mysterious maiden.

Where it goes wrong

During the game’s first level, Jim innocently launches a cow into space.


Above: What goes up...

Despite the bovine butchery, the super-powered worm continues on, eventually defeating Queen ‘there’s no way in hell we’re typing that again’. He’s then reunited with the princess and all looks right with the world. Well, until a certain cow comes crashing back to Earth, squashing our hero’s love interest, before dropping into a pool of lava with the damsel still beneath its hooves.

How the day could have been saved

Tough one. But we’ll say not launching 500lbs of unprocessed beef into the air would have been a good start. The campaign for fair and equitable treatment for video game cows starts here.


Above: ...must eventually break every bone in your hostage's body

54 comments

  • Conman93 - August 3, 2009 12:13 p.m.

    I knew straight away resi would be in this
  • SaulFidgeonGuy - August 2, 2009 12:09 p.m.

    what about FF VII Crisis Core? at the start, you go on a mission to find Genesis and some other Soldiers instead, Genesis turns out to have gone evil, your friend Sephiroth runs off to join him(and we all know how that works out), and Angeal is thinking of doing the same
  • Ricky1794 - August 2, 2009 10:29 a.m.

    HAHAHAHAHA I like the Far cry 2 one i remember that the first time around i helped my merc buddies and i hid behind the bar counter for like ten minutes and then died when i coughed and actually pressed the B button, stood up and got shot.....and died soon after.........Anywhere 100KM in that general direction,I wanted to tell the mercs the same thing
  • yoreAtowel - July 31, 2009 5:23 p.m.

    "Don’t be fooled kids, old Albert is worse than Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin combined." ! -------------> O_o
  • jar-head - July 31, 2009 5:06 p.m.

    lmfao STARS
  • Red - July 31, 2009 4:50 p.m.

    I think it was my sixth play through before I finally figured out it was actually Snake killing the Darpa Chief and the Arms Tech President. I was like ten at the time, and even today that game is still confusing as shit to me.
  • MarchIntoTheSea - July 31, 2009 4:46 a.m.

    @ Boxmeitzer there is a warning in the beggining
  • Billiam101 - July 30, 2009 11:16 p.m.

    what the f*** gr Einstein is my hero and for one after he made the bomb he said "what have i done i have destroyed the human race" (he was sorry)
  • dweller - July 30, 2009 10:58 p.m.

    I had forgotten the end to Earthworm Jim. Thanks!
  • FETALJUICE - July 30, 2009 8:26 p.m.

    Earthworm Jim's ending made me laugh
  • sixboxes - July 30, 2009 7:48 p.m.

    "500 pounds of unprocessed beef". my new favourite way to say cow.
  • Cyberninja - July 30, 2009 7:40 p.m.

    ok thanks for telling me what to if i am ever am in a game
  • crumbdunky - July 30, 2009 7:09 p.m.

    The Far Cry 2 one was so obviously going to go tits up that I actually chose to let them die anyway-which is rare for me(saving the kids that is). Dino Crisis is the one that I have stuck most in my mind. After that any game where you look for key cards AT ALL is auto failed in my book. Having said that if Capcom want to get round me(after RUINING RE5 so badly)a new Dino Crisis would be a great place to start.
  • JosefRaikov - July 30, 2009 4:56 p.m.

    @ nadrewod999: Actually the SAS (Special Air Service) existed before the marines so it would actually be that the Marines are the American "form" of the SAS. "He Who Dares, Wins."
  • silvereye - July 30, 2009 4:31 p.m.

    What about half life? You try and save the facility but in the end it gets nuked. Gordon never saves anyone, all the charachters who DID survive had to do it there own way, with very little help from Gprdon atall!!!!
  • Terro - July 30, 2009 3:27 p.m.

    I tried to save the African Villagers, but then I got all confused and wondered off, forgetting all about them. Captcha: Summon Indian XD
  • Wizrai - July 30, 2009 3:23 p.m.

    Eww at FOXDIE bandana.
  • Corsair89 - July 30, 2009 2:43 p.m.

    I hate rescue missions because you usually have to escort them out of whatever they needed rescue from.
  • norid - July 30, 2009 2:36 p.m.

    i figuerded Snake would be on here
  • DarkMatter032 - July 30, 2009 2:27 p.m.

    EarthWorm Jim!!! FTW!!! Reminds me of the stage "For Pete's Sake", where you try to save the poor mutt's ass...

Showing 1-20 of 54 comments

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