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8 games with disastrously botched rescue missions

Operation ‘Watch a sociopath’s wife
and kid get blown to Kingdom Come’

Failing to rescue anyone in: BioShock

The mission

After being contacted by mysterious Irishman Atlas, protagonist Jack is asked to find and rescue his new ally’s wife and child who are trapped in a submarine-like bathysphere.

Where it goes wrong

Jack taking on insane evil-doer Andrew Ryan, who completely controls the city around him, was perhaps a tad over ambitious. Subsequently, Ryan locks Jack in a room just as he’s about to save the wife and sprog. He then throws loads of baddies at him and waits until the silent hero is within touching distance of the bathysphere before blowing it up.

How the day could have been saved

By buying a set of earplugs. If Jack had done this, he wouldn’t have been forced to obey orders (from the actually evil) Atlas, who controls him through the hypnotic control phrase ‘would you kindly’. Granted, Atlas’ missus and nipper would still have been murdered brutally, but we’re sure they’d have gone to Heaven (if they ever existed in the first place) or something. Probably.


Operation ‘Stalk your
imaginary girlfriend'

Failing to rescue anyone in: Braid

The mission

To infiltrate a dream-like world as dapper hero Tim, with the objective to find and save a mysterious princess. After negotiating a series of worlds filled with puzzles that require cunning, intuition and a really in-depth tips book, Tim finally finds his special lady friend. She’s being carried off by a brutish knight hell bent on making her do unspeakable things (read: forcing her to wash his chain mail unmentionables).

Where it goes wrong

Well, the fact Tim’s trying to save someone who isn’t real is probably the first wayward step. You can’t save what doesn’t exist, and instead of being an actual compilation of lady bumps, the princess is really a symbol of his sorrow for helping design the A-bomb. You see, Tim is a weapons scientist who worked on the bomb and the entire game is a dream fueled by regret and driven by obsession in the hopes of changing a past that can’t be altered.

How the day could have been saved

If someone had dropped a piano on the asshole below. That way, we’d all be way more ignorant, that pesky A-bomb would never have been created (Einstein wrote to the Prez asking him to start research into it) and Tim wouldn’t have had to dream up a make-believe rescue mission.


Above: Don’t be fooled kids, old Albert is worse than Hitler, Mussolini and
Stalin combined.

54 comments

  • Conman93 - August 3, 2009 12:13 p.m.

    I knew straight away resi would be in this
  • SaulFidgeonGuy - August 2, 2009 12:09 p.m.

    what about FF VII Crisis Core? at the start, you go on a mission to find Genesis and some other Soldiers instead, Genesis turns out to have gone evil, your friend Sephiroth runs off to join him(and we all know how that works out), and Angeal is thinking of doing the same
  • Ricky1794 - August 2, 2009 10:29 a.m.

    HAHAHAHAHA I like the Far cry 2 one i remember that the first time around i helped my merc buddies and i hid behind the bar counter for like ten minutes and then died when i coughed and actually pressed the B button, stood up and got shot.....and died soon after.........Anywhere 100KM in that general direction,I wanted to tell the mercs the same thing
  • yoreAtowel - July 31, 2009 5:23 p.m.

    "Don’t be fooled kids, old Albert is worse than Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin combined." ! -------------> O_o
  • jar-head - July 31, 2009 5:06 p.m.

    lmfao STARS
  • Red - July 31, 2009 4:50 p.m.

    I think it was my sixth play through before I finally figured out it was actually Snake killing the Darpa Chief and the Arms Tech President. I was like ten at the time, and even today that game is still confusing as shit to me.
  • MarchIntoTheSea - July 31, 2009 4:46 a.m.

    @ Boxmeitzer there is a warning in the beggining
  • Billiam101 - July 30, 2009 11:16 p.m.

    what the f*** gr Einstein is my hero and for one after he made the bomb he said "what have i done i have destroyed the human race" (he was sorry)
  • dweller - July 30, 2009 10:58 p.m.

    I had forgotten the end to Earthworm Jim. Thanks!
  • FETALJUICE - July 30, 2009 8:26 p.m.

    Earthworm Jim's ending made me laugh
  • sixboxes - July 30, 2009 7:48 p.m.

    "500 pounds of unprocessed beef". my new favourite way to say cow.
  • Cyberninja - July 30, 2009 7:40 p.m.

    ok thanks for telling me what to if i am ever am in a game
  • crumbdunky - July 30, 2009 7:09 p.m.

    The Far Cry 2 one was so obviously going to go tits up that I actually chose to let them die anyway-which is rare for me(saving the kids that is). Dino Crisis is the one that I have stuck most in my mind. After that any game where you look for key cards AT ALL is auto failed in my book. Having said that if Capcom want to get round me(after RUINING RE5 so badly)a new Dino Crisis would be a great place to start.
  • JosefRaikov - July 30, 2009 4:56 p.m.

    @ nadrewod999: Actually the SAS (Special Air Service) existed before the marines so it would actually be that the Marines are the American "form" of the SAS. "He Who Dares, Wins."
  • silvereye - July 30, 2009 4:31 p.m.

    What about half life? You try and save the facility but in the end it gets nuked. Gordon never saves anyone, all the charachters who DID survive had to do it there own way, with very little help from Gprdon atall!!!!
  • Terro - July 30, 2009 3:27 p.m.

    I tried to save the African Villagers, but then I got all confused and wondered off, forgetting all about them. Captcha: Summon Indian XD
  • Wizrai - July 30, 2009 3:23 p.m.

    Eww at FOXDIE bandana.
  • Corsair89 - July 30, 2009 2:43 p.m.

    I hate rescue missions because you usually have to escort them out of whatever they needed rescue from.
  • norid - July 30, 2009 2:36 p.m.

    i figuerded Snake would be on here
  • DarkMatter032 - July 30, 2009 2:27 p.m.

    EarthWorm Jim!!! FTW!!! Reminds me of the stage "For Pete's Sake", where you try to save the poor mutt's ass...

Showing 1-20 of 54 comments

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