You might have read this article so far and believed we were being just a little bit harsh toward the animal kingdom. However, we urge you to not be so wet behind the ears and appreciate that animal murder isn't even that bad. After all, if Rare has taught us anything with Viva Piñata, it's that all animals are very definitely full of delicious candy, and thus don't feel pain.
Viva Piñata is the closest gaming has ever gotten to a Jeffery Dahmer simulator, in that it's based around luring unwitting victims into your lair, mating with them, then killing and eating the unsuspecting fools. Quite right, too! We can verify that animals are full of candy, just in case you're feeling skeptical. We recently cracked open our beloved dog, Buckles, and it was all there. It didn't taste very nice, however, and some of the candy burned our tongues. He must not have been a very good dog.
The Final Fantasy series of games is perhaps the most morally ambiguous franchise ever created. While it is true that, yes, the game's many encounters with so-called monsters present a "kill or be killed" scenario, it's also true that these aren't vicious creatures so much as they are invaluable contributors to the planet's naturally occurring and crucially balanced biomass. While on the surface, you are putting paid to an army of murderous fiends, you are actually wiping out vast and potentially important sections of the environment.
Even worse, you end up doing it for no other reason than fun and profit. Once the game's characters have earned enough experience, it becomes a simple case of animal bullying on a scale that would give all of PETA's minions thirteen simultaneous heart attacks. No doubt a serious dilemma for anybody with a conscience. Naturally, we wholly encourage gamers to get out there and stove in the heads of every Tonberry they see.
Fans of animal purging need look no further than the third game in Hideo Kojima's legendary series. It even has Snake Eater in the title, so you know you're in for a wild ride.
What a selection, though! Snake Eater is not just a game in which you have the option to kill a handful of animals. You're actually encouraged to decimate and then consume as many innocent varmints as possible. It's a culinary genocide in which gaming hero Naked Snake ensures that no living thing finds sweet sanctuary from his merciless mouth. Sinking your teeth into the belly of a serpent, cracking open an unmindful crab, tranquilizing and cooking an adorable bunny rabbit – there is no end to the amount of critters that come unstuck during the course of your Russian adventure. This game lets you kill and eat a scorpion. A scorpion! Nothing is safe.
Just because an animal is extinct shouldn't mean we can't find a way to kill it. Dinosaurs are jerks, as evidenced in the documentary Jurassic Park. Annoyingly, we missed our chance to kill the damn things by a few billion years, but Turok at least gives us a taste of how much fun it may have been to take up a bow and stick a few of the reptilian ragamuffins in the neck.
They may once have been hailed as rulers of the Earth, but Turok cuts these overgrown geckos down to size, proving that they really aren't as tough as everybody makes them out to be. Dinosaurs have always thought they're it, but we know that they'd go down as easy as any other impractically proportioned lizards with brains the size of walnuts. They think they're the cat's pajamas, but they're more like the rubbish dinosaur idiots ... yeah!
Deer Drive is perhaps the ultimate in animalistic execution, and there could be no more fitting a game to close out on. The only rule in Mastiff's PC and Wii game is that you kill animals. That is literally it. You grab a rifle, head out into the forest and jam a bullet into the hide of every mawkish, defenseless, aggravatingly furry beast that dares to cross your path.
The most amazing thing about Deer Drive isn't so much the fact that you're thoughtlessly killing every woodland creature in sight, but the fact that the game itself is actively celebrating the needless death of each one that hits the dirt. In short, Deer Drive makes Bambi look like a freaking birthday party. The game rewards you extra points for shooting deer in the heart and lungs, or standing on your head while firing off as many rounds as possible into the skull of a passing moose. While this happens, an enthusiastic announcer screams "LUNGSHOT", reveling in the agony that you have most certainly inflicted upon nature's cutest creations.
The complete lack of remorse and taste means that Deer Drive may very well be more of a portal into the very birthplace of evil than an actual videogame, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't play it. Any game that screams "LUNGSHOT" at you deserves to be worshipped.
May 4, 2010
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