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8 characters you would never trust with your kids

Sephiroth


We know what you're thinking, but it's not the fact that Sephiroth is a brooding, mentally unstable, sword-wielding freak that makes him an unfit custodian. It's the fact that our kids are just too young to understand that gender can get more complex than "boys" and "girls".

The author of this particular editorial has a stepson, and this stepson is legitimately unable to accept the fact that Sephiroth is a man. His naive, innocent, unspoiled seven-year-old mind just cannot countenance the concept of somebody looking like a girl but having boy parts. Even when his gender is explained, the child forgets and continues asking the question, "Why does she have that big sword?"

Let's wait until we get our children into high school before they start becoming thoroughly confused about who the males and females actually are.


WaLuigi


Yet again, we have to pull out the "just look at him" argument. Would you want that leering, lanky, undoubtedly stinking old cretin to be stooped over your innocent, moon-faced darlings? WaLuigi is the kind of guy who would lick half an ice cream before giving it to the child, and since it's rather clear that WaLuigi doesn't scrub his mouth and definitely has a thin film of damp fur growing on his tongue, we don't want anybody's mouth going where WaLuigi's has been.

If this poor man's Wario hadn't got lucky enough to land himself a job at Nintendo, we're fairly certain he would have spent his days in the park, bony fingers clamped around an emptying bottle of bad beer, screaming vague and incoherent obscenities at lithe young girls until the weather turns and he seeks shelter in a local library, where he will sneeze into the books and be thrown out after trying to start a fire under one of the tables. Not parent material.


Diglett


Diglett can't look after kids; it's barely even sentient! What were you thinking? STUPID!


Baraka


We think Baraka is misunderstood. Yes, he's a murderous and immoral demonic crossbreed, but just look at that face. He's always smiling! We think that, deep down, Baraka is just an unfortunate cherub with a whole lot of love inside, and nobody whom he can share his affections with.

However, that doesn't alter the fact that he has gigantic kitchen knives that shoot out of his arms at a moment's notice. We shudder to think what would happen if Baraka is playfully tickling an innocent little tyke, only to get careless and unleash a pint-sized fatality that you definitely couldn't blame on a passing British nanny.

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58 comments

  • michaelmcc827 - April 16, 2010 7:52 p.m.

    BY JIM STERLING??? Ew, gross!
  • TizzleSniper - April 16, 2010 7:53 p.m.

    lol, the diglit one was so awesome
  • lava_lamp - April 16, 2010 7:53 p.m.

    Wait, what? This article says it was written by a Jim Sterling. 0_o
  • Hexar - April 16, 2010 7:53 p.m.

    I enjoyed the direction you went with Sephiroth. The gender bending issue however would keep the kids occupied. Oh and: Baraka .... wins....
  • OnyxOblivion - April 16, 2010 7:54 p.m.

    Kratos would be a great babysitter! Sure, the baby would be dead, and the house would be a wreck...But you could pay him in imaginary red orbs!
  • lava_lamp - April 16, 2010 7:57 p.m.

    Awe, after reading it I can deffiantly say it wasn't written by Jim Sterling :( That would've been sweet if GR hired him.
  • litrock - April 16, 2010 7:59 p.m.

    Jim Sterling? God, that is the best thing ever. The most hilarious games troll with the most hilarious games site? That is the apocalypse of awesome.
  • EricBratcher - April 16, 2010 8 p.m.

    Surprise! In addition to his existing duties elsewhere, THE Jim Sterling has agreed to grace GR with some of his own personal brand of "isn't there medication for this?" insanity. Bask in it, people. This guy knows how to punch a yak. Oh, wait - that's a different article. Stay tuned.
  • QWERTYCommander - April 16, 2010 8:02 p.m.

    Also, Diglett would leave a lot of holes in the floor.
  • 510BrotherPanda - April 16, 2010 8:03 p.m.

    http://www.vgcats.com/super/?strip_id=32 Is this why Diglett would be an unsuitable baby sister? Accidental R-Ape?
  • Wikipares - April 16, 2010 8:04 p.m.

    Jim Sterling? On Games Radar? Dear God. My head may explode from the awesome.
  • Felixthecat - April 16, 2010 8:09 p.m.

    JIM STERLING IS WRITING FOR GAMEZRADAR?!?!?!?! OMG YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!
  • DoubleJ - April 16, 2010 8:19 p.m.

    How could you not include to add the Noid from "Yo! Noid"? He did very bad things to me when I was a child.
  • DoubleJ - April 16, 2010 8:21 p.m.

    Also, credit to the great Jim Sterling for me even signing up here to leave a comment on this article. Looking forward to seeing more from him here, and elsewhere.
  • Ramijiman - April 16, 2010 8:40 p.m.

    tingle creeps me the hell out!!!
  • JackSkellingtonsSkin - April 16, 2010 9:29 p.m.

    Wait the Origami Killer may have some murderous tendancies but they proved themself of being able to care for children who are not in the 10-12 male bracket. I would gladly thrust my kids with the Origami Killer anyday.
  • dalenorth - April 16, 2010 9:32 p.m.

    Who is Jim Sterling?
  • jesusfrk15 - April 16, 2010 10:38 p.m.

    if sephiroth were to raise a child, he would probobly corrode it's little mind
  • Cyberninja - April 16, 2010 10:43 p.m.

    i would let diglett watch my nepfews any day if a burgler came in it would use a rock slide to crush them
  • RebornKusabi - April 16, 2010 10:45 p.m.

    Holy ****! Jim Sterling?! That's seriously awesome! I haven't even read the article, just saw the name... thought "wait WHAT" and read the comments to see if my brain wasn't ****ing up lol

Showing 1-20 of 58 comments

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