8 characters you would never trust with your kids

Sephiroth

We know what you're thinking, but it's not the fact that Sephiroth is a brooding, mentally unstable, sword-wielding freak that makes him an unfit custodian. It's the fact that our kids are just too young to understand that gender can get more complex than "boys" and "girls".

The author of this particular editorial has a stepson, and this stepson is legitimately unable to accept the fact that Sephiroth is a man. His naive, innocent, unspoiled seven-year-old mind just cannot countenance the concept of somebody looking like a girl but having boy parts. Even when his gender is explained, the child forgets and continues asking the question, "Why does she have that big sword?"

Let's wait until we get our children into high school before they start becoming thoroughly confused about who the males and females actually are.

WaLuigi

Yet again, we have to pull out the "just look at him" argument. Would you want that leering, lanky, undoubtedly stinking old cretin to be stooped over your innocent, moon-faced darlings? WaLuigi is the kind of guy who would lick half an ice cream before giving it to the child, and since it's rather clear that WaLuigi doesn't scrub his mouth and definitely has a thin film of damp fur growing on his tongue, we don't want anybody's mouth going where WaLuigi's has been.

If this poor man's Wario hadn't got lucky enough to land himself a job at Nintendo, we're fairly certain he would have spent his days in the park, bony fingers clamped around an emptying bottle of bad beer, screaming vague and incoherent obscenities at lithe young girls until the weather turns and he seeks shelter in a local library, where he will sneeze into the books and be thrown out after trying to start a fire under one of the tables. Not parent material.

Diglett

Diglett can't look after kids; it's barely even sentient! What were you thinking? STUPID!

Baraka

We think Baraka is misunderstood. Yes, he's a murderous and immoral demonic crossbreed, but just look at that face. He's always smiling! We think that, deep down, Baraka is just an unfortunate cherub with a whole lot of love inside, and nobody whom he can share his affections with.

However, that doesn't alter the fact that he has gigantic kitchen knives that shoot out of his arms at a moment's notice. We shudder to think what would happen if Baraka is playfully tickling an innocent little tyke, only to get careless and unleash a pint-sized fatality that you definitely couldn't blame on a passing British nanny.