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8 characters you would never trust with your kids

Sephiroth


We know what you're thinking, but it's not the fact that Sephiroth is a brooding, mentally unstable, sword-wielding freak that makes him an unfit custodian. It's the fact that our kids are just too young to understand that gender can get more complex than "boys" and "girls".

The author of this particular editorial has a stepson, and this stepson is legitimately unable to accept the fact that Sephiroth is a man. His naive, innocent, unspoiled seven-year-old mind just cannot countenance the concept of somebody looking like a girl but having boy parts. Even when his gender is explained, the child forgets and continues asking the question, "Why does she have that big sword?"

Let's wait until we get our children into high school before they start becoming thoroughly confused about who the males and females actually are.


WaLuigi


Yet again, we have to pull out the "just look at him" argument. Would you want that leering, lanky, undoubtedly stinking old cretin to be stooped over your innocent, moon-faced darlings? WaLuigi is the kind of guy who would lick half an ice cream before giving it to the child, and since it's rather clear that WaLuigi doesn't scrub his mouth and definitely has a thin film of damp fur growing on his tongue, we don't want anybody's mouth going where WaLuigi's has been.

If this poor man's Wario hadn't got lucky enough to land himself a job at Nintendo, we're fairly certain he would have spent his days in the park, bony fingers clamped around an emptying bottle of bad beer, screaming vague and incoherent obscenities at lithe young girls until the weather turns and he seeks shelter in a local library, where he will sneeze into the books and be thrown out after trying to start a fire under one of the tables. Not parent material.


Diglett


Diglett can't look after kids; it's barely even sentient! What were you thinking? STUPID!


Baraka


We think Baraka is misunderstood. Yes, he's a murderous and immoral demonic crossbreed, but just look at that face. He's always smiling! We think that, deep down, Baraka is just an unfortunate cherub with a whole lot of love inside, and nobody whom he can share his affections with.

However, that doesn't alter the fact that he has gigantic kitchen knives that shoot out of his arms at a moment's notice. We shudder to think what would happen if Baraka is playfully tickling an innocent little tyke, only to get careless and unleash a pint-sized fatality that you definitely couldn't blame on a passing British nanny.

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58 comments

  • kangaroocory - November 20, 2010 2:26 a.m.

    What's the origami killer from? I don't get it.
  • Millikin - September 7, 2010 1:32 p.m.

    You forgot Voldo from Soul Calibur. He has the scouts symbol on his crotch.
  • HeavyTank - April 22, 2010 1:35 a.m.

    ...knowing everything about Sonic makes you cool now?Guh-reat. (TO EVERYONE WHO MIGHT TROLL ME, I'M JOKING)
  • SumthingStupid - April 20, 2010 11:21 a.m.

    What about the clown from twisted metal?
  • g4m3rk1dd - April 19, 2010 2:31 p.m.

    now do a article explaining the top 7 that you want them around :|
  • Alfredhitchshot23 - April 19, 2010 2:41 a.m.

    F**K Tingle!!!!!
  • jakery22 - April 18, 2010 2:06 p.m.

    I would definitely trust Kratos with my Children. :P. I mean who would seriously try and do anything with him there. :L. No idea who jim sterling is (so i pretty much fail there)But from this article and what everything everyone says about him he must be epic. :L.
  • BluePikmin - April 18, 2010 11:47 a.m.

    I'd say two diglets per child would work
  • coolbeans - April 18, 2010 3:49 a.m.

    in the waluigi u said wario instead of waluigi...
  • lovinmyps3 - April 17, 2010 10:41 p.m.

    The Origami Killer entry was pretty damn funny. "We can't put our fingers on it, but something tells us that he may not be trustworthy." Ha! =D
  • DriveShaft - April 17, 2010 9:59 p.m.

    *shudders* WaLuigi...
  • Felixthecat - April 17, 2010 9:06 p.m.

    @HeavyTank & everyone asking who Jim Sterling is Mr Sterling is an awesome jarnalist with awesome jarnalistic skill's. He is also very funny and cool and I love him. In an actual explanation, he's a writer for Destructoid who used to live in the UK and moved to US. He know's everything about Sonic.
  • sleepy92ismypsn - April 17, 2010 8:49 p.m.

    i have got to play heavy rain.
  • Clovin64 - April 17, 2010 8:20 p.m.

    Sephy would be the best babysitter ever! Kratos would probably be a bad influence though. I wouldn't be confortable leaving my kids alone with a very angry bald tattooed man who wears nothing but a loincloth and a frown.
  • SausageLozenge - April 17, 2010 8:04 p.m.

    Gamesradar has gone too far this time! What give them the write to tell me who I can and can't let watch my kids. Don't tell me how to raise my kids! I don't tell you how to review games! oh wait...
  • linkganon - April 17, 2010 7:39 p.m.

    here's an obvious one, how about one of those soldiers from the metal gear universe. here's why, they'd be stupid and would be unable to watch them as somebody would sneak in easily and snatch the kid when they are not looking. next, colonel volgin is an obvious one because he hates capitalism, he might end up electrocuting your kids and act like nothing happened. and since sephiroth is on here, why not post raiden in his metal gear solid 2 skull suit. lol, not even a grown man (President Johnson) could determine his gender. last one i feel like mentioning is solidus because he'd kidnap and send your child to war, and your child would look a lot like raiden.
  • JimSterling - April 17, 2010 6:34 p.m.

    HeavyTank: Psst ... wrong Jim Sterling.
  • HeavyTank - April 17, 2010 6:05 p.m.

    Okay, who the hell is this Jim Sterling? I just read his Wikipedia entry, it isn't as impressive as to justify all these "OMFG EPIC" comments... "Jim Sterling is a television producer and writer. A native of Boulder, Colorado, Sterling moved to the West Coast in 1988 to attend Pepperdine University. After graduation, he worked at 20th Century Fox as production assistant. Later he acted, wrote and produced the independent film Gunplay (1994), a dark comedy which became a cult favorite through minimal German distribution. Sterling also wrote an article for the site GamesRadar."
  • EffinChrys - April 17, 2010 5:20 p.m.

    "Parents like to claim that videogames are destroying our nation's youth, but that doesn't stop them using the Wii, Xbox 360 and PS3 as surrogate babysitters so they can continue having unprotected sex and squirting out more little toads that they won't look after properly." All of our collective childhoods summed up in one drawn-out sentence of funny image-inducing words. (SQUIRTING) !
  • FartsOnMilk - April 17, 2010 4:39 p.m.

    Sw33t! Jim is a fine contribution to this website and hopefully sometime he will grace us with his precense on TalkRadar. Also if you don't know who Jim Sterling is goto Destructoid and you can read up on his articles and features as well (and I highly suggest that you do). Also, cocks.

Showing 1-20 of 58 comments

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