8 awkward first dates with video game characters

Date two: Elizabeth (BioShock Infinite)

"Elizabeth," I said, taking a pull off my pint, "You know--for someone who's spent almost their entire life trapped in a giant statue's head, you're pretty well-adjusted."

"Well, I try," she said, adjusting her dress and staring at her white wine. Her eyes widened. "Say, is that a Chinaman?"

I inhaled through clenched teeth. "Pretty well-adjusted aside from the racism, anyway."

"It's not my fault!"

"You say that, but I'm almost sure that when you went off to the bathroom earlier you ripped open a rent in space and time and walked through it into a dimension where my mother wasn't Irish, because she isn't, now."

"I didn't do that. I love Irish people! Some of my best friends are Irish. I eat potatoes all the time. Love 'em."

"You did. You're doing it again, now! Under the table, where you think I can't see. I can hear a barbershop re imagining of Nine Inch Nails' Closer coming from down there! You can't just whitewash things when you're upset about them. Keep doing that and your fears will eventually power a people's revolution run by a cartoonishly evil woman!"

"God, you're being so Irish about this. I just want to make things better."

"You know, your version of 'better' seems to involve an awful lot of turrets that shoot autonomously at people you don't like. It's not one of those, is it?"

There was an awkward moment of silence, only broken by the distant crooning of 'I wanna fuck you like an animal' echoing from the barbershop quartet.

"Well... No," she said, sheepishly.

"Whatever, Elizabeth. We're done here. If you want to carry on, then go to an alternate universe where I give a shit."

Next up... Lydia, from Skyrim




  • rxb - October 22, 2013 7:05 a.m.

    Very funny. I'd take my chances with Bayonetta.
  • GoldenEagle1476 - October 21, 2013 3:21 p.m.

    Thank god you didn't go all the way with Citra.
  • mentalityljs - October 21, 2013 2:08 p.m.

    Good stuff! What about doing an article match-making the 'gamers we hate playing with' profiles with game characters. That could be fun.
  • Sjoeki - October 21, 2013 9:38 a.m.

    This is one of those reasons why this is one of the first sites I check when I get home, great job! Elizabeths date was pure magic! Would like to see a date with tali, with her taking apart the furniture or something so she could ship it back to the flotilla, where you have to help her with her emergency induction port as she is starting to get drunk, or that awkward moment where you give yourself a nosebleed as you hit into her helmet trying to go for a kiss.
  • bedelicious - October 21, 2013 8:59 a.m.

    No male characters? :(
  • GrantHowitt - October 21, 2013 4:06 p.m.

    Next time, I think, yeah. Wanna get me some of that Solid Snake action.
  • bedelicious - October 22, 2013 6:05 a.m.

    Nice :D
  • Y2Ken - October 21, 2013 8:51 a.m.

    Oh, and great article by the way. Funny stuff!
  • Y2Ken - October 21, 2013 8:50 a.m.

    ... Nope, I'd still want to go out with Bayonetta. Only other issue being that she's something like eight feet tall.
  • GR_RyanTaljonick - October 21, 2013 8 a.m.

  • Mdgeist316 - October 21, 2013 6:35 a.m.

    I damn near spit out my coffee while reading this. Good job.
  • C.King - October 21, 2013 6:25 a.m.

    the tomb raider just skins for the sake of skinning? funky
  • Talvari - October 21, 2013 5:09 a.m.

    Awesome article xD

Showing 1-13 of 13 comments

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