7 pieces of movie merchandise we'd never buy

As film geeks, we enjoy picking up the odd bit of movie memorabilia. But we wouldn't bid on any of this tat if it was the last item on ebay.

Ratatouille Pez dispenser
It may be a massive hit, amazingly animated and all that, but we're with UB40  on this one: “Rat in mi  kitchen, what am I gonna  do? Fix that rat!” Too right.  And by 'fix' that means 'kill'.  So, shoving it on a plastic  stick and having its nasty  ratty gob open and puke out  sweets scores alarmingly  highly on the Wrongometer.

Superman undercrackers
Are your pants fun enough?  Does your cotton gusset  scream, “Whoo!”? It doesn't!?  Then you need funderwear!  That's underwear… only fun!  Hmm, we can see that, for  children, this could be aces,  but the adult-sized ones  make us a bit queasy. It's a  pair of big, bright pants that  tells the world you're not getting laid! Oh dear...

Transformers shoes
It's a shoe! That transforms into Convoy and Megatron! Prepare to be too cool for school and the envy of the  playground set/pre-school  biscuit break. Actually, the  thing is, if you try to  impress your peers with a 'Transformer' that changes into 'clothing' that, umm, you can't even really wear, you'll quite rightly receive a stern shoeing.

Scream dress-up kit
Perfectly acceptable for Halloween costume party nights. Beyond inappropriate for confused men who think it might possibly lead to “sexy fun” of any kind. Sorry to be a bit camp but we're also feeling that it's a fashion no-no, with the fluted hemline AND sleeves. Less is more, Scream stalker-boy... now please, just take the sweeties and go!

Napoleon Dynamite talking action figure
This one is kinda cool. We love Napoleon and, for our money, anything that says, “I caught you a delicious bass!” can't be all bad. But in the fine tradition of movie dolls, the facial features have a creepy sense of having been hideously burnt and reconstructed with cut-price surgery. Which rather cheapens the experience.

ET Atari videogame
Back in the '80s, due to lengthy rights negotiations, designers were given only six weeks to design this bit of 'computer magic' – and it shows. Poor sales led to the demise of Atari and, according to urban legend, thousands of copies were buried in New Mexican landfill sites. That's no way to salute the little turdy guy. Or his alien mate.

Star Wars Sellotape dispenser
Hard to say which is worse here. Is it the mere existence of a “lovingly crafted” C3PO ceramic Sellotape dispenser or the, “Argh! There's a roll of tape emanating from my robot penis!” look on the poor sod's face? Or perhaps it's the vision of the marketing meeting: “Yes, Mr  Lucas. C3PO is real big with the stationery-ordering demographic.” This objet d'arse really should have been left in a galaxy far, far away.


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