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6 soul-destroying jobs characters have to do in games


Palace Guard, somewhere in the ancient Middle East

Now hiring in: Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

We bet there were loads of rubbish things about working hundreds of years ago. Low pay, crap dental plans and the chance you might get turned into a monster by a bunch of evil sand. In fairness, that last one only really applies to anyone unlucky enough to hold a position as a palace guard in Prince of Persia. Though we suppose lounging about all day staring at smoking hot Arabian wenches takes the sting off a bit.

Occasional glances at old timey thongs aside, this job really sucks the ancient evil-sponsored fat one. If being transformed into an undead demon courtesy of the Sands of Time wasn’t bad enough, these formerly stoic gents have to suffer the indignity of getting done in by the Middle East’s answer to a crime-fighting Hugh Grant.

 
Above: Oh the shame


Bartender, Moriarty's Saloon

Now hiring in: Fallout 3

 

Poor, Gob. What an existence this sad, mutated soul lives. Forced to a life of miserable servitude by a dastardly tavern owner, the ghoul has to serve beer to the type of moody assholes with daddy issues that wander out of underground vaults and suddenly think they can solve all their problems with weapons of mass destruction.


Above: Man, the Vault Dweller is such a douche

And we’ve not even touched on the whole ‘having your workplace situated within spitting distance of an unexploded nuclear bomb.’ Sure, most of us suffer crappy commutes into work every morning. But unless you have to precariously pass volatile nuclear weaponry each day, we think Gob’s journey has you beat. Ah well, at least he can look forward to his retirement.

Oh.


Mysterious merchant of illegal, undead-killing wares

Now hiring in: Resident Evil 4

You no doubt think the Merchant has got a pretty kick-ass job, right? He gets to choose his own hours, he lives in sunny Spain and he’s got one helluva loyal consumer base. Trouble is, that particular base is limited to just the one customer. A customer Resi 4’s trench coat-sporting gun peddler has to follow wherever his La Plagas-murdering adventures take him if he wants to eat.

Worse, the particular corner of sunny Spain he’s stuck in is actually the most dangerous place on Earth. Seriously, just imagine trying to sell some lemonade in the most war-torn part of Baghdad. Now times that by fifty and add a giant human-scoffing troll and you’re not even close to the sheer suckage of the Merchant’s average working day. 

 

July 20, 2010


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33 comments

  • MANIACXIII - July 22, 2010 10:44 a.m.

    i feel sorry for the merchant in resident evil 4,he is alone on in that country with all that zombies,BUT he has very good weapons,that makes it easier and more fun :D
  • revrock - July 22, 2010 3:03 a.m.

    Being a thwomp in the mario universe or a sleazebag agent in Madden would blow... Also, forklift driving in Shenmue was the worst in game job ever!
  • DriveShaft - July 21, 2010 9:50 p.m.

    Dawww Gob. Felt so bad for him, even when I went to Underworld and found Carol, that glimmer of hope for his happiness got sucked away when you couldnt tell him about her :L
  • rocketfuel - July 21, 2010 8:51 p.m.

    Being an adoring fan of the grand champion of the arena. That probably sucks.
  • OriginalJonty - July 21, 2010 3 p.m.

    Being a crew member of the Ishimura in Dead Space must've sucked.
  • pimlicosound - July 21, 2010 2:19 p.m.

    Surely being a member of the German armed forces between 1939 and 1945 is the worst job in all of gaming.
  • Clovin64 - July 21, 2010 11:42 a.m.

    The Merchant from Resi 4 has two customers actually. Ada also buys weapons from him in the bonus "Separate Ways" missions. At least the Merchant is a gentleman- Ada gets the Chicago Typewriter for a much cheaper price than Leon. I was nice to Gob in Fallout 3. Its only good looking people I'm nasty to.
  • philipshaw - July 21, 2010 10:40 a.m.

    I always wondered how the merchant in Resi 4 got to places because there is a point where you are underground and there was only one way to get there. I guess he just follows you in the distance
  • theemporer - July 21, 2010 6:21 a.m.

    Any job in my game of fable 2.
  • phoenix_wings - July 21, 2010 5:51 a.m.

    Poor Gob, I was always nice to him, I like cheap liquor. I'm thinking that being any contractor or law enforcement officer in any of the Hitman games would be a shitty-ass job. For instance, the birthday party in Blood Money. You're able to put knock-out drugs into the donuts so the FBI agents in the van will pick them up and eat them. Then when they're passed out, you slip inside the van and steal their clothes...only one of them. Make it into the house and eliminate all targets without getting rid of the clown and imagine that job. What a shitty birthday party... Sorry kid, both your parents are dead. Here's a blue elephant balloon animal.
  • Spybreak8 - July 21, 2010 4:28 a.m.

    You gotta love that in any Zelda game you can just walk into people's houses or stores and do whatever the f**k you want lol. That last one, the merchant from RE4, was hilarious.
  • PipGirl - July 21, 2010 3:59 a.m.

    Ahhh, cops in GTA would have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning...
  • FunkSoulBrother - July 21, 2010 1:47 a.m.

    Cool
  • Thuperman - July 21, 2010 12:46 a.m.

    Also being a guard in Assassins Creed would suck as well.
  • Caio - July 21, 2010 12:24 a.m.

    Working at Black Mesa probaly sucked. Same goes for Aperture Science, maybe even a bit more. But what really takes the prize is signing a Dead Contract in Planescape: Torment. For all of 50 coppers, you are obligated to be ressurected and work for all eternity in a Mortuary. Must be awesome.
  • Doctalen - July 21, 2010 12:14 a.m.

    That screen for Gob, that can't be from Fallout 3, you witness the explosion from 15 stories up so whatup with that?
  • Zeb364 - July 20, 2010 10:40 p.m.

    @MonkeyIslandFanatic: I care! I love that game, still play it occaisonally. And just a sidenote, he's actually not the only character in that game who complains about his job, alot of them do. The best is the gay henchman from the 60's who hates his job because he doesn't get to wear the skirts the henchwomen do.
  • MonkeyIslandFanatic - July 20, 2010 10:05 p.m.

    WHADDA YA BUYING? I know no-one cares about the game, but in TimeSplitters: Future Perfect there was an engineer for an evil eugenics company who actually complained about his job, whereas most of these guys seem pretty content.
  • skynetiscoming - July 20, 2010 9:52 p.m.

    @Cyberninja Being a nameless henchman in any game would kinda suck. Following a set path all day long until someone shoots you in the back of the head without warning, or being knocked unconciuos and thrown off of a freighter so you can drown in your sleep.
  • Cyberninja - July 20, 2010 9:20 p.m.

    what about anyone in a mgs game they get killed a whole lot

Showing 1-20 of 33 comments

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