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6 life lessons to be learnt from Dead Rising 2

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4. Think outside the box

As seen in DR2:

When faced with the pressure of warding off a thousand zombies, most people aren’t at their most creative (or we imagine they wouldn’t be, if most people had ever fought a thousand zombies). But Chuck remains ice cool, surveying his surroundings with Jason Bourne-like accuracy. This allows him to fend off the oncoming masses with a variety of objects that the layman would discount as useless. Where you’d use a bench to sit on, he’ll use it to crack some heads. Where you’d use a paddle for canoeing, he’ll strap some chainsaws to it. Where you’d use a dildo for... Never mind.

As seen IRL:

During his lifetime, Leonardo Da Vinci is said to have invented dozens of things, including solar power, the calculator, and the helicopter. Although as his helicopter never actually flew, ‘invented’ may be a little strong.

But the point is that he’s gone down in history as a legend and, well, you haven’t. Yet. But get your thinking cap on and anything’s possible. Hell, it only took five minutes for us to ‘invent’ teleportation:


Above: This will definitely work

5. Everything in moderation

As seen in DR2:

Just by looking at Chuck you can tell he’s a real man. The broad shoulders. The gruff stubble. The, um, highlighted hair. And what do real men like to do? That’s right: look at porn and drink! It’s nigh on impossible to be in a casino without drinking at the best of times, but when other people’s lives are in your manly, spade-like hands? Well, that calls for a stiff one to take the edge off. It even helps to replenish your health. The trouble is that when it comes to holding his booze, Chuck’s no Oliver Reed, with anything more than a couple of tipples sending him over the edge. And a dodgy stomach’s not what you want in the middle of an undead-filled mall. They can smell the bile.

As seen IRL:


Above: This is good

And the same holds true in real life, as we all know too well. A few drinks in and your holding fort, impressing all before you with your rapier wit, hilarious anecdotes and Pitt-besting good looks. But then some assclown orders 18 Flaming Sex on the Russians and before you know it you’re face down in a pile of the dinner you don’t remember eating, wearing your boxers as a headscarf.


Above: This is not

So follow the Rising star’s lead: little and often, and you’ll be fine.

6. Kids are a pain

As seen in DR2:

We don’t want to disparage the tenderness of the father/daughter relationship, and there’s no doubt that Chuck’s dedicated to his little sprog. But with her constant need for medication, and the specific windows in which you must give it to her, there’s also no doubt that she’s a royal pain in the keister.  Now we know what Amy Winehouse’s parents must feel like. Having fought your way through waves of zombies to get her the good stuff, you’d think she’d just be grateful and take it to suit your schedule, rather than giving you the cold shoulder as she sits there playing Mega Man. Our parents never stuck to the recommended daily dosages and we turned out fine… *twitch*

As seen IRL:

 
Above: Angry internet baby

On a plane. In a restaurant. On a car journey. In the park. In your own home. Just some of the places where kids are an irritant. If they’re not screaming and stamping their feet, then they’re vomiting in your shoes or drawing crayon murals on your freshly painted walls.  Of course we’d never recommend being anything other than an admirable parental figure like Chuck, but there’s no denying that little people (children, not midgets) = big annoyance.

So there you have it. Six unexpected but priceless pieces of life advice, all gleaned from a game about controlling a zombie outbreak while wearing a man thong and wielding a mop. The power of video games triumphs once again. Are there any other games out there that have improved your life? Let us know in the comments.

Oct 8, 2010

Topics

Capcom

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24 comments

  • Collymilad - October 10, 2010 2:09 a.m.

    Lady Gaga is the biggest piece of worthless shit to grace our TV screens for quite a while. I love the way she tries to be unique when she's just another piece of trash pumped out by the lowest common denominator machine. I can't be the only one that cringes when she makes her little speeches about being yourself and how she was "born this way" jesus christ. Sickening. She makes the average manufactured trash look almost realistic.
  • philipshaw - October 9, 2010 2:17 p.m.

    Beat the game a couple of times and I have to agree with every in this list
  • MisterFish - October 9, 2010 4:37 a.m.

    The teleporter won't work unless you have a touch screen. If you don't and you try to push it, you're just getting greasy fingerprints on your monitor. Clicking won't work either; you need to actually touch the button.
  • enlargedhousecats - October 8, 2010 10:41 p.m.

    take everything in moderation or you'll barf out your forehead
  • chilarome - October 8, 2010 10:08 p.m.

    i also learned that plasmids do not work. no matter how many *cough* dirty *cough* needles i stuck in my wrist, i had no fire or ice powers. sad face
  • chilarome - October 8, 2010 10:01 p.m.

    penguins don't live in the Arctic Circle.........
  • Babzors - October 8, 2010 9:23 p.m.

    haha love this game. definently better than the first. funny article
  • batman5273 - October 8, 2010 9:03 p.m.

    LOL! Kids are a pain!
  • MetalReborn - October 8, 2010 9:02 p.m.

    i lost 20 pounds while playing WoW. Im not even kidding lol. Who needs to eat when you can raid ulduar, amirite?
  • ThePeanutGangsta - October 8, 2010 9 p.m.

    Great article, and Lady Gaga wore that to campaign against eating meat which is just so contradicting and I learnt how to drive from Grand Theft Auto.
  • celticsfan645 - October 8, 2010 8:08 p.m.

    Pfff. Ill be impressed when you develop a teleporter for neatly drawn stick figures.
  • Grif - October 8, 2010 7:29 p.m.

    Great article, really funny read.
  • CARDYKEV - October 8, 2010 6:34 p.m.

    Have nobody heard of a "urinal bomb" before?
  • Koouunn - October 8, 2010 6:28 p.m.

    lol i reall y think that those blue prints for the teleporter wil REVOLUTIONIZE THE WORLD
  • AlSwearengenHatesCocksuckers - October 8, 2010 6:23 p.m.

    I would love to send Lady Gaga into a crowd of zombies with that dress on....
  • Dexsus - October 8, 2010 6:10 p.m.

    Shenannigans! Your teleportation device doesn't work.
  • Redeater - October 8, 2010 6:04 p.m.

    @Clovin64 +500 xp for best comment ever
  • FETALJUICE - October 8, 2010 5:43 p.m.

    That dude with his face in the urinal got owned!! lol Great article!
  • Cleanser247 - October 8, 2010 5:43 p.m.

    I think I'll rent first.....
  • 8bitBaby - October 8, 2010 5:38 p.m.

    lady gaga wouldn't get very far in that meat dress, in the middle of the zombie apocalypse. but these are some true words of wisdom.

Showing 1-20 of 24 comments

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