The makers of the other
return with an equally-unadvised trawl of plot-thieving and bad jokes.
That includes Charlie Sheen getting rammed into a door by his crotch. Sigh.
The part where Voiceover Bloke says: “Some moments should never be taped.”
Funny, that’s exactly what we were thinking.
Oddly morose considering the subject matter, as a leprechaun is shipped to South Dakota – and makes life hell for Jennifer Aniston.
“We’re, like, really scared,” drones Aniston (around the 1:10 mark) in a dead-eyed manner that suggests she’s having about as much fun as we are.
Sean Connery wears a bikini and grows his hair out – but that’s OK because he’s got a gun!
Really, take your pick.
There’s the floating stone head, the kaleidoscope title cards – and, of course, Connery’s bizarre togs.
Age Of The Hobbits (2012)
A dialogue-free trailer for The Asylum’s latest masterpiece, a historical fantasy that involves people running around in animal skins and hurling spears…
The part where Christopher Judge suddenly turns up brandishing a spear.
What is Teal’c doing here?!
I Drink Your Blood, I Eat Your Skin (1970)
So obsessed with its own title, Voiceover Bloke repeats it as often as possible.
At least every 30 seconds, actually, which means footage from the film is kept to a bare minimum of severed heads and foam-mouthed men.
“A young boy infects an entire town with rabies.”
OK, you’ve officially lost us.
The Room (2003)
An agonising two minutes of all-out banality in which Tommy Wiseau attempts to act, but seems to have knocked back a few too many drinks before the cameras rolled.
The supposed press quotes at the end, which come credit-less, meaning Wiseau probably just made them up himself.
Pocket Ninjas (1997)
: A whole three and a half minutes of bad acting, kung fu and rollerblading as teenagers attempt to give their crime-riddled city a makeover.
The 30-second segment in which a woman in lycra attempts to pick up a newspaper that keeps skittering away on the pavement.
Now that’s entertainment.
I Hate Valentine’s Day (2009)
Ropey romcom rubbish in which a woman who sleeps with a guy then refuses to go out with him because she’s afraid of getting hurt.
Cue the guy attempting to woo her in every way he can think of. Wonder how it ends…
Any moment that Nia Vardalos hands out her twisted romance advice.
People scream, buildings explode, William Miller takes his shirt off, then points a gun through a hole in a door.
WHY? “It’s a rottweiler…” Miller pants.
The rottweiler itself is revealed – and it looks like it’s just jumped out of a tiny-budget computer game.
House II: The Second Story (1987)
OK, the effects have a crusty sort of charm, but there’s no denying this is one cruddy trailer, replete with terrible line readings and no attempt to tell us the film’s plot beyond the “two guys inherit a house!” line.
Which is probably because that’s all the plot there is.
“Looks like you’ve got some kind of alternate universe in there or something,” says John Ratzenberger.
Has anybody checked his credentials?
Old Dogs (2009)
About as funny as being smacked in the nuts with a golf ball.
Robin Williams is bad with kids, John Travolta flirts with waitresses and Justin Long wears fake facial hair. Sigh.
Seth Green is cuddled by a gorilla.
Presumably after having been hideously violated. Groan.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)
A glossy, atmospheric compilation of clips from Timur Bekmambetov’s silly actioner, which takes the tongue-in-cheek premise cripplingly seriously.
Lincoln (Benjamin Walker) races along on a horse brandishing an axe.
Time to rewrite the history books…
Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus (2009)
Though the premise recalls other seriously dodgy B-movies, this trailer treats its subject matter with the utmost seriousness as a shark goes up against, yes, a giant octopus.
A massive tentacle swoops through the air and destroys a plane mid-flight. Impressivo.
Bula Quo! (2013)
Rock outfit Status Quo return in a bizarre 90 seconds of scenes that don’t seem to fit together.
The result is a plate-smashing, face-punching mosaic of incomprehensibility.
OAP Aussie jet-skiing…
You wouldn’t see Harold Bishop attempting any of that rubbish.
Battlefield America (2012)
A businessman helps a young dance troupe fulfil its dream of competing at a dance competition.
Y’know, sort of like
Britain’s Got Talent
only without Simon Cowell. Or talent.
The mother of a dancing kid doesn’t support his dream.
We don’t just don’t buy it – isn’t America the homeland of pushy stage moms?
A Talking Cat (2013)
“Hey dad, did we get a cat?”
A trailer for a super low-budget ‘comedy’ about a mysterious cat who turns up at a family house, much to everybody’s confusion.
The bit where a strange, talking black CGI hole appears where the cat’s mouth should be…
Mega Python Vs Gatoroid (2011)
“There’s something in the water!”
That something appears to be either a massive crocodile or a massive snake. We’re not sure which.
A load of party guests unsheathe handguns as a giant crocodile crashes the party. Then a snake swallows a train.
Don’t you just hate it when that happens?
The Messenger (1986)
Fred Williamson stars as the messenger of death – a badass mofo with a leather jacket, leather trousers and some really big firearms.
Williamson hands out the grenades, tossing one to a scared guy who screams like a little girl before it explodes.
Anaconda 4: Trail Of Blood (2009)
Weird sound effects and an overuse of exclamation marks herald the arrival of a giant snake, which swiftly gobbles up an unfortunate young man.
The bit where one of the cast members laughs his head off – except his laugh sounds like something from
Alvin & The Chipmunks
Track Of The Moon Beast (1976)
A dated peak at
Track Of The Moon Beast
, in which mineralogist Paul Carlson (Chase Cordell) transforms into a fearsome creature after being hit by a lunar meteorite.
What would you use to hunt a massive “demon monster” thing?
In this film they decide to use a bow and arrows…
Suburban Commando (1991)
Hulk Hogan’s quest to break the family film market gathers embarrassing momentum as he plays an interstellar hero who hides out on Earth.
The part where Hogan turns up kitted out like some sort of medieval RoboCop.
Miley Cyrus stars as Lola, who’s so hooked to her mobile phone that her friends call her ‘lol’.
Oh, the hilarity.
“Friendship is not that easy to turn into love,” narrates Cyrus, in what is clearly meant to be some sort of revelation for its teen audience.
It’s just painful.
A green-screen embarrassment that involves actors shooting at things that clearly aren’t there.
The truly atrocious CGI, which looks like something out of an eighties videogame.
Has to be seen to be believed.
Butterfinger The 13th (2011)
Campfire tales lead to frisky teenagers getting naughty before some shadowy figure (presumably a psycho killer) appears.
It’s all sponsored by a chocolate bar.
Which doesn’t explain why the whole things looks so tasteless.
Killjoy 2: Deliverance From Evil (2002)
Some guy gets shot by some girl, so the guy’s friends summon ‘Killjoy’ to get bloody revenge.
Killjoy turns out to be a prosthetics-lathered clown with a really annoying laugh and a hairdo pinched from Diana Ross.
Loud, flashy and violent, attempting to sell us on the premise that aliens with ridiculously hi-tech weaponry would ever engage in a war at sea that even remotely resembles the board-game
The part where it suddenly starts to look like
, and you have to double check that you’re still watching the
Step Kids (1992)
“We’re like the Brady Bunch from Hell,” is how Laura (Hillary Wolf) describes her family in this trailer.
At least the Brady Bunch were entertaining.
The whole first minute of the trailer, in which Laura attempts to introduce us to her ‘modern’ family.
But we’re bored by the time we get to her mum’s rich new beau.
Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)
We all know Ed Wood’s film has been branded one of the worst films ever made, and the film’s trailer doesn’t exactly do it any favours.
Campy, histrionic and featuring some really dreadful special effects.
The bizarre and bold claim by Voiceover Bloke that “It’s safe to say that the grandchildren of some of the people in this theatre will not be born on Earth…”
Samurai Cop (1989)
Matt Hannon swishes his long brunette locks in the wind while also clutching a samurai sword.
Then things get
Hannon chops some poor sod’s arm off, then gives him a crazy-eyed glare.
Mark Frazer’s response? “Damn.”
Jason Mewes screams a lot and Moises Arias wears an oxygen mask as four guys hit the road to compete in some sort of video game championship.
At least that’s what we think happens.
Some guy called Gary enters wearing a hurricane-proof wig and a pair of sunnies.
Resolutely B-movie. The portentous opening gives way to silly little puppets called ‘hobgoblins’ that can sense everything that you can desire.
Oh, and they also kill you.
“I go all the way on a first date!” proclaims some woman in a leopard print bodysuit.
Cheers for that, love.
Repeats ad nauseum that Piper Laurie scared the shit out of us in
, while suggesting the same won’t be true of this tired-looking ghostfest.
Any of the moments wherein Roger Davis is lumbered with truly horrific direlogue – far more disturbing than anything else on show.
The Hottie & The Nottie (2008)
Joel David Moore attempts to woo perky princess Paris Hilton, but he has to deal with her absolute minger of a roommate first.
“It’s a very well-known law of physics,” says Prototype RomCom Best Friend. “The hotness of one girl is directly proportional to the ugliness of her best friend!”
We do love it when movies throw faux science around, especially when it’s this insulting.
Dinocroc Vs Supergator (2010)
David Carradine sucks on a cigar while a Playboy model pretends to be a scientist.
Meanwhile, a giant crocodile is on the loose…
The part where a dinosaur-type monster chases a yellow jeep, which is clearly ripped straight from
Gary Busey plays, well, Gary Busey, running around screaming like only Gary Busey can.
Until he has a low-budget car crash that lands him in Heaven.
“It’s never too late to change, Archie, they want you to go back. As a dog…”
Gary Busey returns to Earth as a dog…
Godmonster Of Indian Flats (1973)
“Do you believe in the monster?” asks a kid as a guy in some kind of monster suit creeps up from behind.
Sadly, they spot it just in time to scream and flee.
Well, the whole thing, which features just about the least convincing movie monster ever made.
(Yes, we’re even counting The Creeping Terror.)
Santa With Muscles (1996)
“Hulk Hogan is Black Thorn, and he’s definitely been naughty,” intones Voiceover Guy as the wrestler throws himself out of a moving jeep.
Meanwhile, there are explosions and fax jokes.
So Hogan thinks he’s Santa Claus – and he has to foil an evil band of scientists?
C Me Dance (2009)
Pure bible-bashing exploitation as a dancer who suffers from a terminal illness somehow overcomes said illness with a little help from the big man upstairs.
About as subtle as being force-fed a copy of the Good Book one page at a time.
A sudden bloody flash of a man’s hand being nailed to (presumably) part of a cross.
That’s before the devil turns up, looking like he’s just stepped out of the WWE ring.
Empire Of The Apes (2013)
Super-low budget sci-fi that looks like it was made in the early seventies, but was actually put together
Our brains feel like they’ve been scrambled.
Um… Just… All of it?
Super Mario Bros (1993)
An OCD-baiting mash-up of nineties tunes and Bob Hoskins dashing around like a blue-arsed fly.
Fiona Shaw pitches up gurning like a crazy person.
Meanwhile, King Koopa’s a guy, not a lizard.
Not Another Celebrity Movie (2012)
A load of celebrity look-alikes play Brad Pitt, George Clooney et al as a studio attempts to cast them all in a heist movie that will save the business.
‘Tom Cruise’ enters…
Closely followed by ‘Angelina Jolie’.
Vampire Dog (2012)
Completely momentum-free ad for one of the worst-looking family flicks we’ve ever seen.
A kid’s lonely when he moves town with his mom, so his granddad sends him a pet dog.
Which just happens to be a vampire dog.
Not the part where the dog starts talking, but the bit where a bandana-wearing villainess announces that she needs the dog’s DNA for her anti-aging formula.
Because of course she does.
Disaster Movie (2008)
An unholy mash-up of spoof snippets intended to make you laugh.
You’re more likely to run screaming in the opposite direction.
Jason Boegh shows up in full drag as Carrie Bradshaw aka Sarah Jessica Parker cira
Sex And The City.
It’s truly unnerving.
The Giant Spider Invasion (1975)
A rather gorgeous young lady gets into bed with a tarantula, then gets up for no apparent reason and discovers that her house is overrun with the spindly web-spinners.
Cue screaming and running.
A giant fluffy pipe-cleaner comes through the window to grab another scantily-clad young woman…
Jack & Jill (2011)
Adam Sandler complains about having to pick up somebody called ‘Jill’ for the holidays, while Katie Holmes poo-poos his annoyance.
This doesn’t bode well.
“Are you going bald?”
Adam Sandler’s sister turns up -
played by Adam Sandler!
Somewhere a fairy just died.
What starts out as an orgy of beach-time fun quickly devolves into all-out carnage as the eponymous beast rises from the depths.
The rock-chick soundtrack, which doesn’t reflect the mood of the trailer’s images in the slightest.
We’ve got to admit, though, the bungee jump bit is good.
Birdemic: Shock And Terror (2010)
Introduces businessman Rod and model Natalie, whose stilted romance makes Anakin and Queen Amidala’s discussions about sand look positively steamy.
“I was wondering if we could keep in contact?” asks Rod. “Sure,” swoons Natalie. Barf.
The trailer unleashes its first dead bird, lying spread-eagle on the beach.
It looks like a fridge magnet.
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004)
Jon Voight attempts to hide behind a bad moustache and a terrible German accent, but we all know it’s really him playing a media mogul who wants to crack baby-talk for monetary gain.
Any moment involving Voight. We just can’t get over it. This is the guy who won an Oscar for
We bet the Academy is still working out how to retract the award.
It seems like love at first sight for Matthew McConaughey and Kate Beckinsale. That is until…
…McConaughey’s brother turns up, and he’s a midget – played by Gary Oldman!
In fact, the whole of McConaughey’s family are midgets apart from him.
Troll 2 (1990)
One of the worst movies ever made gets, unsurprisingly, one of the worst trailers ever made, too.
“They’re eating her… Then they’re going to eat me!”
That infamously awful moment from the film also gets an airing in the trailer.
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