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Video games are great at recreating loads of things. Decapitations. Winning touchdowns. Letting you go medieval on a giant crab's crustacean ass for some type of damage. What they generally suck at, though, is trying to replicate the tender act of love making between a man and a woman… or a woman and some sort of green alien thing.
With Kratos getting ancient Greece all hot and bothered again with his heroically horny God of War III antics, we thought it would be the perfect time to look back at some of gaming’s other embarrassing bedroom antics. Below you’ll find five cringe-worthy sex acts that not only prove video game romance is dead, but that it almost certainly never existed in the first place.
Oh, and the following videos obviously all contain scenes showing the sexy time. So anyone who's not old enough to view them should promptly navigate away from this page.
Mass Effect 2
We totally understand the whole 'opposites attract' thing. What we can't get onboard with is kissing an alien dude with a face so jaggy it looks like it would shred any incoming lips to ribbons. And are we the only ones who feel the need to take a shower after that last lingering pillow shot?
The Indigo Prophecy/Fahrenheit
Nothing says love like bumping uglies on the back of a freezing train. Correction: nothing says love like bumping uglies on a freezing train with a dude that's technically a zombie. Call us picky. But necrophilia just isn’t our thing.
Dragon Age:Origins
Hello, BioWare? Yeah, James Cameron just called and told us to tell you to stop taking inspiration from his sickly sentimental love scenes. The cheesy Céline Dion-esque music, the long pensive looks; this has about as much believable passion as rubbing a Ken and Barbie together.
Heavy Rain
Woah, don't attack us with pointy things. We know we're ragging on Heavy Rain yet again. But c'mon, Ethan and Madison's love scene is as awkward as a post-prom back seat fumble fest.
Leisure Suit Larry 3
There's nothing quite like seeing the intimate act of love making broken down into a bunch of 8-bit pixels furiously gyrating from side to side. Still, we've got to give props to the feather boa. That's some grade A Carry On-style shit of the highest order.
Mar 10, 2010
