5 of gaming's most cringe-worthy sex scenes

Inspired by Kratos' GOW III sexcapades, get under the sheets with these embarrassing erotic encounters

Words: Games_Radar_DaveMeikleham on March 10, 2010

Video games are great at recreating loads of things. Decapitations. Winning touchdowns. Letting you go medieval on a giant crab's crustacean ass for some type of damage. What they generally suck at, though, is trying to replicate the tender act of love making between a man and a woman… or a woman and some sort of green alien thing.

With Kratos getting ancient Greece all hot and bothered again with his heroically horny God of War III antics, we thought it would be the perfect time to look back at some of gaming’s other embarrassing bedroom antics. Below you’ll find five cringe-worthy sex acts that not only prove video game romance is dead, but that it almost certainly never existed in the first place.

Oh, and the following videos obviously all contain scenes showing the sexy time. So anyone who's not old enough to view them should promptly navigate away from this page.

Mass Effect 2

We totally understand the whole 'opposites attract' thing. What we can't get onboard with is kissing an alien dude with a face so jaggy it looks like it would shred any incoming lips to ribbons. And are we the only ones who feel the need to take a shower after that last lingering pillow shot?

The Indigo Prophecy/Fahrenheit

Nothing says love like bumping uglies on the back of a freezing train. Correction: nothing says love like bumping uglies on a freezing train with a dude that's technically a zombie. Call us picky. But necrophilia just isn’t our thing.

Dragon Age:Origins

Hello, BioWare? Yeah, James Cameron just called and told us to tell you to stop taking inspiration from his sickly sentimental love scenes. The cheesy Céline Dion-esque music, the long pensive looks; this has about as much believable passion as rubbing a Ken and Barbie together.

Heavy Rain

Woah, don't attack us with pointy things. We know we're ragging on Heavy Rain yet again. But c'mon, Ethan and Madison's love scene is as awkward as a post-prom back seat fumble fest.

Leisure Suit Larry 3

There's nothing quite like seeing the intimate act of love making broken down into a bunch of 8-bit pixels furiously gyrating from side to side. Still, we've got to give props to the feather boa. That's some grade A Carry On-style shit of the highest order.

Mar 10, 2010

Platforms:

Xbox 360, PS3, PS2

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2cute2Bcruel - September 11, 2010 7:34 a.m.

OK. I'll admit it. The makeout scene I saw in my game of HR was kind of titlating. Maybe one of the problems w/HR nudity is the realism of the graphics. Most of the main characters provided their likenesses for said characters.
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MotokoAramaki - July 31, 2010 6:50 p.m.

Thane was easily the hottest of the femShep relations possible. Garrus was cringe worthy, but I guess that's just how he is.
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soren7550 - May 16, 2010 3:24 p.m.

You mention Lucas technically being a zombie, but you fail to mention that Shepard is technically a zombie as well, even when Shepard is right above the guy you say is a zombie.
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AVenGer777 - March 21, 2010 8:39 a.m.

the Mass Effect 2 kiss is disturbing and i'd bang morrigan if she was real:)
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jackthemenace - March 14, 2010 12:50 p.m.

i'm surprised by how many of these are on youtube... @reCAPTCHA: ensemble him do WHAT!?
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inconceivable - March 13, 2010 11:13 p.m.

I thought I would laugh at these, but they're so fucking bad I did only cringe. Maybe I'll be laughing when all the polygons embedded in my corneas are gone. And this article could've just as easily been cringe-worthy kisses. Hmm, did you guys do an article about terrible game kisses?
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ken936 - March 12, 2010 1:18 p.m.

Ah, the heavy rain one was perfect. Like, I didn't think that sex scenes in games could advance that much. But.....That damn breathing....It ruins it. It sounds like they are chowing down on food together 0_0
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Eultima - March 12, 2010 2:57 a.m.

Sex scenes in games are always a joke. if u want slap your salami to something go look at freaking porno. games are meant to be games. I can understand it being in some games for love in stories, but its best be avoided if ya ask me xP
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jordanlacroix95 - March 12, 2010 1:38 a.m.

um the god of war sxe scenes are fine ...... not good but .... fine.
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american101 - March 11, 2010 10:45 p.m.

i got to agree and disagree, though arkward, it does bring another perspective to charaters, but still arkward.
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CreeplyTuna - March 11, 2010 8:10 p.m.

mass effect 3 should include tongue, cuz graphics should hopefully be even more bad ass than they are now
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AnonymouZ - March 11, 2010 4:11 p.m.

gatesolid is spot on. i didn't remember those gta 4 scenes... but i do remember seeing the graphicness and thinking... "lul, what are the 12 year olds who's mom bought this thinking about THIS?"
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philipshaw - March 11, 2010 3:10 p.m.

Heavy Rain and Fahrenheit’s sex scenes are really bad, ME2 are usually okay
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metalgatesolid - March 11, 2010 2:58 p.m.

There is nothing more awkward than a sex scene in a game especially if you wasnt expecting it. Take GTA IV for example. I wasnt quite expecting the level of graphic prostitute in car style sex. Add that to a 40inch HD TV and your dad walking in with a cup of tea and your having to defend videogames and stop yourself looking like a perve. The noises are even worse though especially to people outside the room who may over hear a moan and quizz you about "what do you actually do on the computer?"
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ihopethisisnotantistasblood - March 11, 2010 2:37 p.m.

what happens if you miss the qte?
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snothammer - March 11, 2010 5:18 a.m.

@straygator: That really should become a meme or something. If I ever have to give someone sex adivice, which will never happen, I'll just say, "R1 L1 U+QCB." And do a barrel roll just for good measure.
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MattK - March 11, 2010 4:18 a.m.

Ah, Leisure Suit Larry. Still making sex hilarious to watch after all these years (and I mean the classic Larry, not the shitty next gen sequels).
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Mike27 - March 11, 2010 3:44 a.m.

Those polygons are a real turn on.
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phoenix_wings - March 11, 2010 3:42 a.m.

Most of the pretenses in which sex is inserted into games is just...weird and unrealistic. SPOILER In HR, you can pretty much say "Yeah...just killed a guy--shot him right in the head. And I might also be the Origami Killer." And Madison will still try to make it with you. Someone who just outright murdered a dude and still had the blood on his hands ain't somebody I want to get with.
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mgkyo666 - March 11, 2010 3 a.m.

Ah love.......ROFL!
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