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38 favourite bullshit PR cliches

“An unparalleled level of control”
Massively complex controls that you won't use half of”


“Instantly accessible gameplay”
“As interactive and challenging as the process of playing and watching a DVD”


“Epic, involving narrative depth”
“A sh*tload of self-indulgent cut-scenes”


“For players of all ages”
“For players under the age of three”


“We're about putting smiles on faces”
“We have no real direction any more and no actual gameplay to speak of, so we're staying vague on what it is that we actually do these days”

“We're in this for the long haul”
“We hope sales will pick up one day”


“A new era of home entertainment”
“We've made a new dashboard layout with more links to things you can buy”


“A mature script by Hollywood veteran X”
“Full of immature adolescant obsessions like gore and boobies, and written by a guy who did a couple of episodes of Star Trek: TNG and a straight-to-video slasher flick back in the day”


“A colourful host of loveable, wacky characters”
“Every character in this game is so desperately hateful that no court in the land would convict you for beating them to death if they existed in the real world”. Also apply to anyone or anything described using the word "zany".


“A hilarious adventure”
“Playing this game feels like watching a bad stand-up comedian get progressively drunk out of desperation and piss himself on stage, before eventually starting to cry under the spotlight”


"exciting"
“We really have no specific or quantifiable positives to discuss in relation to this game”

“!”
“We have used up our quota of the word "exciting" and have only exclamation marks left with which to try to hold your interest”
NOTE: It's a well-known games journalism fact that a newly announced game can be immediately and accurately reviewed by starting at a perfect 10 and subtracting the number of exclamation marks in the press release to arrive at a final score.


“For more information on the game, please visit [insert URL here]”
“We have run out of things to say about this game. Please leave us alone. We must drink now”


“A community-driven. social gaming experience”
“Here's the basic interface, now bugger off and amuse yourselves, because we're not giving you any content.”


“It will appeal to all fans of series X” / “It's an exciting new adventure in the vein of game X”
“It’s a massively derivative, less fun cash-in of game X and we're too lazy to try to sell it on its own merits. Primarily because it HAS none of its own.”


“A ground-breaking, 3D, online community”
“A chat room with graphics. People still use chatrooms, right? Awesome!”

“A chance for fans to explore previously unseen parts of the much-loved franchise X universe”
"It's a cash-in movie license, but we haven’t actually based it on the movie because either, a) We couldn't afford the actors' likeness rights, b) We’ve already milked the franchise so hard there's nothing left to use, or c) The license is totally inapproriate for a game and we only bought it because the brand name is hot sh*t this year"


“Built from the ground up”
“We’re going to make a few tweaks to our archaic engine and pray no-one notices our lack of effort. Kind of like the Emperor’s New Clothes”


“X-number of new [insert feature/item/clothing]”
“All the shit we didn’t have time to put in last time, delivered in a pleb-dazzle of numbers designed to cover the fact we’ve not got an exciting crux to the game"


“All new [insert absolutely anything here]”
Unless it has a giraffe on a unicycle in it or you can control the game with buttock clenches, it’s not new. Rather, it's tweaked.



The Top 7... PR disasters
We chronicle the embarrassments that the industry would rather you forgot



Games that shot themselves in the foot
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38 comments

  • shnizoid - July 28, 2009 8:33 p.m.

    this is fucking hilarious! and true!
  • LieutenantCipher - July 3, 2009 2:05 a.m.

    "a bad stand-up comedian get progressively drunk out of desperation and piss himself on stage, before eventually starting to cry under the spotlight" Have you been watching Family Guy GR? XD
  • jar-head - April 24, 2009 12:21 a.m.

    GR wins
  • Picnic1 - April 5, 2009 1:01 p.m.

    This was a recent one from Nintendo: “…what you’re seeing is this average business model, the typical business model of, say, the five to six year generation of hardware is just not valid anymore. The Wii is a very approachable, accessible platform that’s going to interest gamers for years to come.” Translation: At the moment we've made so much money from the Wii that we're using £50 bank notes as toilet paper. Spend money on creating new technology in a few years time? Are you mad? Half our new buyers are grannies who think that Teletext has good graphics. We should have spotted this years ago- the Gameboy's graphics were rubbish compared to the Game Gear but people didn't care. Now we're going to milk this cash cow until its udders are sore like we did with the Gameboy and Sony did with the PS1 and PS2.
  • gatornation1254 - March 29, 2009 6:10 p.m.

    Great article i agree with them all.
  • kurkosdr - March 26, 2009 6:11 p.m.

    [b]"we are shifting focus into developing titles for the value-minded audience (and for the mobile gaming scene)"[/b] "we 've lost the bet to turn the company into a developer of A-grade games, and now we are back into making crap for the bargain bin, hoping into tricking 10 year olds into forking over their allowance for our excuse of games" See: Majesco [b]"compelling AI that will trick your brain"[/b] "CPU opponents will have a massively unfair advantage over your character, because the AI we coded is so damn weak that there is no chance in hell they would get close to beating you in a fair fight" Most common in the racing genre, where opponents actually drive flying carpets (ex the cops of NFS:hot pursuit 2, or drivers in 4x4 Evo 2) [b]"realistic simulation of Activity X" (usually includes piloting or driving, but can also be used for trains and ships)[/b] "the controls will be so stiff you 'll end up crashing somewhere every time you attempt to drive the damn thing"
  • dougle - March 26, 2009 2:42 a.m.

    nail on the head
  • OldRustyDusty - March 25, 2009 8:26 p.m.

    Hahahaha this is great. I've seen/heard/read all of these, and the explanations are spot-on, very funny but sadly true.
  • Z-man427 - March 25, 2009 7:08 a.m.

    "NOTE: It's a well-known games journalism fact that a newly announced game can be immediately and accurately reviewed by starting at a perfect 10 and subtracting the number of exclamation marks in the press release to arrive at a final score." back when i was a Journalism major, i was told that a journalist gets 2 exclamation points to use in their entire career. anyone who uses one to fill characters, like the person who inspired the above quote, are idiots. great article though. i never tire of these things. whenever i read excerpts like these, i try to figure out which words were left out in order to make it sound positive.
  • somerandomchap - March 25, 2009 4:54 a.m.

    haha awesome, i want to play a game with my ass then i will have buns of steel
  • TrevorISme - March 24, 2009 11:37 p.m.

    Heh this made me laugh hard I Especially love when they put these sayings on the front of the box like over the box art to catch casual gamers eyes as they search the store for an exciting new Wii Game!
  • Grenade - March 24, 2009 11:03 p.m.

    This article is full of truth.
  • JoeMasturbaby - March 24, 2009 10:44 p.m.

    i couldnt stop laughing at the "zany" joke. hahaha re-captcha: Pro-Kruger
  • Thelonius - March 24, 2009 10:32 p.m.

    LOL. Another great gr article.
  • Mittenz - March 24, 2009 10 p.m.

    “All new [insert absolutely anything here]” Unless it has a giraffe on a unicycle in it or you can control the game with buttock clenches, it’s not new. Rather, it's tweaked. Sooo, Rayman aving rabbids is original with its wiifit control scheme?
  • CaptainWow - March 24, 2009 9:39 p.m.

    You forgot; "Sign up now to take part in the Beta" We can't afford games testers anymore, so you lot f*cking do it
  • GamesRadarBrettElston - March 24, 2009 8:23 p.m.

    Star Trek TNG is my favorite show of all time, and your jokes at its expense have reduced me to tears. Fitting then, that my reCaptcha is wounded $87
  • Kerfluffle - March 24, 2009 7:44 p.m.

    “A chance for fans to explore previously unseen parts of the much-loved franchise X universe” basically means Star Wars: The Force Unleashed “X-number of new [insert feature/item/clothing]” can apply to any expansion with the word "Sims" on it.
  • Xplosive59 - March 24, 2009 5:01 p.m.

    great article as alays GR im glad to see the week of hate is back again as i loved the first one is it going to be annual? recaptcha: 21 Fannie
  • Corsair89 - March 24, 2009 3:59 p.m.

    "we're about putting smiles on faces" *shudder* That E3 horrified me more than anything in Silent Hill or Resident Evil could. reCaptcha: Flintstones cream

Showing 1-20 of 38 comments

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